Comments on the Preliminary Hearing

I want to hide my red, hot, teary eyes and raw heart behind very large dark sunglasses. I want to lie in bed, with my head under the blanket and stay there forever. I want to be busy 24 hours a day to never have to face a sleepless night again. I want to turn off the Internet so that I can’t read the explicit, chilling media coverage of the preliminary hearing about the Unspeakable. I want to read every single thing, to know what happened to my beloved Steve in his last moments.

I want to cry, shout, howl, kick, and scream at the very top of my voice. I want to explode, rip a pillow into 10,000 pieces with my bare fangs, stomp on the ground, and go completely f&#%*@$ crazy. I want to break down on the floor and never, ever get up. I want to wake up from this nightmare, to live as if none of this horror really happened. I want to vanish, to hide, to disappear. I want to curl up in a safe place where humans do not act like cruel monsters. I want to heal, to be carefree and happy again.

All in all, I want this trial (in every sense of the word) just to be over.

Closure? Moving on? Forgiveness? Compassion? No. Right now, definitely not.

PS from the following day 9/29/16: After I published this post, I felt so much better! Just being able to scream and shout and pound my fists in this writing piece helped me to release a lot. Thank you for all your love and care. I feel held, accepted and seen.

Also, to clarify: the preliminary hearing is not the actual trial. It merely establishes that there is enough probable cause to warrant a jury trial. The “real” trial will take place some time in 2017 and be much longer and more involved.

71 replies
  1. janu
    janu says:

    Oh lokita,my heart is with you,tears in my eyes,wish i could hold you right now.
    big big warm cyberhug <3
    ..and thank god it will be over at one point..until then i hope coco is close by..love love love

    Reply
    • veronique fleming
      veronique fleming says:

      OM my ganesha. (omg). I thank you for being so real, raw, honest, open. I wish more people would be this real instead of carrying on the front of “its all good” all the time. I feel you. I hear you deeply. so good to put it out there, it moves energy. may you keep moving energy forward. onward. one day @ a time. even one moment, one breath @ a time. by sharing your story, your experience, you are being held by a larger community of souls you can’t even imagine. you are loved. may you never forget that. so much love to you sister. one breath. this breath.

      Reply
    • wildflower
      wildflower says:

      OM my ganesha. (omg). I thank you for being so real, raw, honest, open. I wish more people would be this real instead of carrying on the front of “its all good” all the time. I feel you. I hear you deeply. so good to put it out there, it moves energy. may you keep moving energy forward. onward. one day @ a time. even one moment, one breath @ a time. by sharing your story, your experience, you are being held by a larger community of souls you can’t even imagine. you are loved. may you never forget that. so much love to you sister. one breath. this breath.

      Reply
  2. Grace
    Grace says:

    Let all of us who love you wipe the tears from your eyes, lay down with you and scream alongside you and kick and pound our fists on the ground. Let us hug and hold each other as one huge community of which you are most in the center. And let the love flow like to numb the pain even momentarily.

    Reply
  3. Penny
    Penny says:

    I have followed your journey closely Lokita. I have wept with and for you. I have been in awe of your strength and endless courage. I admire you so very much for your willingness to share your raw emotions. This too shall pass, be present, feel everything, every emotion, every tear……then embrace the sweetness of releasing it. I am sending you my strength and positive energy, in case your storehouse is running low. Please know that there is a lot of love for you in this big old world. You aren’t alone, we are all right there beside you.

    Reply
  4. Kim Burke McClellan
    Kim Burke McClellan says:

    My dear teacher said: Your beloved only died once. The ego wants to relive it, as if to somehow find the missing piece that would change the outcome. That is natural, it is how we are wired. But, It is already over. You are safe. Steve is safe. Perhaps, you must go through this. Perhaps, there is more benefit, merit…maybe. Maybe not. The Hearts of Angels are wide open to you all the way…
    My heart is open to you. I hear you.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Yes, my beloved only died once, and the crater of grief is reopened with each step of the legal procedure. Merit and benefit – I am ready!

      Reply
  5. Tracy Byars
    Tracy Byars says:

    Oh Lokita! SO much pain on SO many different levels. I cannot even imagine how painful this time is for you. There are no words adequate to express, to comfort, to mend any of this. Just know you are in my heart, and in the hearts of SO many people, feeling you, feeling a tiny bit of your massive, excruciating PAIN. Wish we could relieve some of it for you… but all we can do is hold you in love. <3 <3 <3

    Reply
  6. JEB
    JEB says:

    I cannot possibly imagine what you are going through, but I am hear to say that I bear witness to your pain, anger, sadness, and desire to hide in a safe place from it all. I consider myself a good person, and there are more of us than there are of the monsters. From what I can tell from your blog, you are surrounded (physically and/or virtually) by so many loving souls. It is a world filled with love, and hope, and acceptance. Sending those feels through the cosmos to you. It won’t make it all ok, but hopefully the burden you shoulder might be eased with the knowledge of lovingkindness being expressed right here, in the now, for you and all mankind.

    Reply
  7. Susan
    Susan says:

    After the death of my husband, I took a dream class. One of the dreams I shared was of meeting Kali- I didn’t know who she was at the time, but apparently described her to a ‘T’ down to the bones around her neck. In my dream, she was in a storm, destroying all the beautiful things in my life. She came to me and was going to destroy me, but I was holding a violet (the flower) and she stopped and fixated on it, then vanished. My teacher told me that there was an ancient legend about Kali being stopped in her fury by the innocence of a violet -that that was the only thing that had ever stopped her. After that I drew a violet and meditated on it; it seemed to help. So what I am saying/thinking is, get yourself a violet, or some protection. It sounds to me like you are very raw again, and exposed and vulnerable. You need protection. If I could, I would send you a violet pendant or some such, to hold, and focus on. Or maybe you have you own symbolic protection. Others protections I have heard and practiced is to wrap your chi shakra in silk. Reading this makes me feel that you are in a very exposed and vulnerable place, and that you need protection from the forces of destruction in the world. I want to encourage you to protect yourself, allow yourself to ask for help, allow yourself to protect that very dear pure soul that you are. <3

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, Susan, for the reminder. This is a time of feeling particularly raw, and I had forgotten about protecting my heart and soul, and not to let the rawness rule everything. I have a knee to heal, after all, to be able to stand on my two feet again and walk the earth without pain! I do have a symbol, and I will invoke it consciously today. 💖

      Reply
  8. Katalina Fisher
    Katalina Fisher says:

    Oh Lokita, This sucks on so many levels. I am sad that you must be thrust back into all of this again. It’s so cruel and so heavy. I wish there was something that I could do or say that could make justice prevail and to wrap you in a soothing, compassionate embrace. Please know that I and many, many other beloveds are here for you. We hear your cries and see your anguish and feel your pain. We are all here for you. We are in this with you. You are not alone. <3

    Reply
  9. linda zimmerman
    linda zimmerman says:

    Grief comes in waves of different intensity..like the ocean…but the ocean is so healing at the same time and is my refuge in times of intense pain. My heart is with you at this extremely difficult time. Hugs to you and Coco.

    Reply
  10. Sue Tobias
    Sue Tobias says:

    I hear you, Lokita, and I am totally with you in love and despair. I know that words cannot express how much I want this pain and anguish to be over for you. I know that you will heal and be carefree again and I know that the present moment totally sucks for you. I am hugging you in a warm blanket of love.

    Love forever,
    Sue

    Reply
  11. Mari
    Mari says:

    Sending you love and light Tantra sister ! You get to have all those feelings and more. Please reach out if there is anything I can do to support you. Love to you sweet heart

    Reply
  12. Laura Bridges Nieuwenhuyse
    Laura Bridges Nieuwenhuyse says:

    Love and co.fort to you, Lolita. Even in your Kali Durge goddess form, you are Divine. You are the Goddess. Long live Lolita. 💙💜💛💚

    Reply
  13. Elana Vollen
    Elana Vollen says:

    I cried with you a year ago. I am still crying with you now. So very, very sorry you have had to know this depth of suffering in this life. May you feel held.

    Reply
  14. Dave
    Dave says:

    It’s inconceivable and no story I read explains it in any way that makes any sense to me. Always reading, always following and holding for you strength and support. Sending love.

    Reply
  15. Corinna Joy Kavanagh
    Corinna Joy Kavanagh says:

    I just read this – I sent you a private message earlier.
    I love you and I want to scream for you! I want to go in to the court room and smash their heads in!
    I feel rage and all the feelings of feeling sorry for at least the girl are gone!
    I have no words of knowing how I could even begin to comfort you! All I can say: I love you and hold you in the deepest hug possible, so you can rage and scream!

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      When I testified in the preliminary trial on May 9th, and the accused young woman was crying the entire time, I also felt sorry for her, to my shock and surprise. But now, after reading the excerpts from her interview with the sheriff, that is all gone. All gone.

      And thank you for your love 💖 I will see you in December.

      Reply
  16. Kim Stanley
    Kim Stanley says:

    I am so sorry for the pain YOU have to go through due to other people’s senseless act of violence. DRUG ADDICTED people are a product of our society’s ills..and these people may not even remember what they did to Steve and Coco or others as they were ON DRUGS and brain damaged. It is SO SAD…and such a complex issue to prevent people that are hurting, isolated, abused themselves and whatever else from turning to drugs to numb their pain..and then…. they cause more pain to others. It is so sad to me..just makes me want to step out of society myself. I am so sorry for your suffering. It is NOT fair. And I am with you in spirit, as you heal..YES, be angry and feel all those feelings as needed. I wish I could wave a magic wand and red0 that day in time. I want you to have peace and joy again. LOVE to you LOkita and Coco!!!

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Hello Kim, yes, it makes me want to step out of society, too, even more so nowadays given what is going on in the US in particular and the world at large. So sad. Thank you for you loving thoughts.

      Reply
  17. Le'ema Kathleen Graham
    Le'ema Kathleen Graham says:

    So sad for you for all of this tragic reality you have had to endure. I’m sending a light rose color to your wise heart and seeing you surrounded by so much love and protection. May you be held tenderly in the arms of Divine Mother and come through this part swiftly and in Her grace. I love you!😇🙏🏻😇 Angels surround you keeping you in graceful protection filling you with healing energy to make it through to the other side.

    Reply
  18. Jason Weston
    Jason Weston says:

    My heart is ripped open with yours Lokita.. I know that place of rage so well. I honor your anger, your outrage, and everything else. Loving you…

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Dearest Jason, I have been thinking about you so much these last few days <3 and I know you that you know that place. My heart is with your heart. Sending love.

      Reply
  19. Danielle Kane
    Danielle Kane says:

    Dear Lokita, I am with you. The Unspeakable you bear so openly and beautifully speaks to my pain. And inspires and comforts me.
    Thank you for the reminder that I must pound and scream and be seen – I have been stuck these past months, after singing publicly in a concert about my son’s death and my healing path, which, ironically, is singing and making sounds. But for months afterwards I shut down and judged myself a fraud. I’m coming out of it slowly. You are brave to blog, to be seen. I learn from you and I allow Grace to hold me.
    Love, Danielle

    Reply
  20. Lourdes
    Lourdes says:

    I hear you Lokita and feel your pain which is in every heart of people that know and care about you and Steve! It all seems so unfair and I have no words to say to help relieve your pain except that I love you and send you a big hug. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I could also go to court with you if you let me know what’s the next court day. Namaste!

    Reply
  21. BERNARD RIZZO
    BERNARD RIZZO says:

    I’m sorry those savages wouldn’t take a plea and save you all the pain of reliving this. Perhaps they will be persuaded to do so before a trial.

    This I will say, if they DO go to trial, the courts will have no mercy on them. They will never see the light of day again.

    I hope you are able to move on from this horror at some point.

    Bernie Rizzo

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, Bernie. Whatever it takes for them to be held accountable 100%, every single day, every breath of their lives; they must face the court and the public, the media and the witnesses, and the gruesome, graphic details of what they did to two innocent people. They must sit there and hear it, be confronted with it, however long the trial takes, and beyond. That’s where justice begins, at least for me. And it’s a step in the right direction to continue living without Steve and without Audrey.

      Reply
  22. melantha
    melantha says:

    Dearest Lokita, I screamed, cried, pounded fists, all of it with you! You are so precious to have to go through so much. Pisses me off, and makes me so want to make it all better, the mom in me. Ultimately you are so very heart strong, heart centered and heart capable. I hold you ever dearly in my heart and meditations. Ever love, ever grateful for your, your truth, your sharing❤️

    Reply
  23. denise
    denise says:

    Thank-you for sharing your voice. It allows me to connect to something special of Steve’s your relationship which will never be over. I wish you safety and ease. I send love – they say love of a stranger is the greatest – may it be so!!!

    Reply
  24. Xandra
    Xandra says:

    Dear Lokita,

    Tears came to my eyes reading your post. I understand. Yesterday I prayed with all my heart to my spiritual teacher Adi Da that I can feel everything but that I would not attach to what is happening, be free at the same time of feeling it all. As you know I lost my home in the Valley Fire, and lost my partner unexpectedly 2 years earlier. Heartbroken I continue….

    Reply
  25. Tandy
    Tandy says:

    Lokita,

    I was hoping that being far away you wouldn’t have to see our here this media. It is graphic and disgusting. Please know we are all thinking of you and loving thoughts are heading your way. I have planted forget-me-nots on the trail and await their arrival soon as the rains come. Bless you and may your higher power relieve you of pain.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *