I want to hide my red, hot, teary eyes and raw heart behind very large dark sunglasses. I want to lie in bed, with my head under the blanket and stay there forever. I want to be busy 24 hours a day to never have to face a sleepless night again. I want to turn off the Internet so that I can’t read the explicit, chilling media coverage of the preliminary hearing about the Unspeakable. I want to read every single thing, to know what happened to my beloved Steve in his last moments.
I want to cry, shout, howl, kick, and scream at the very top of my voice. I want to explode, rip a pillow into 10,000 pieces with my bare fangs, stomp on the ground, and go completely f&#%*@$ crazy. I want to break down on the floor and never, ever get up. I want to wake up from this nightmare, to live as if none of this horror really happened. I want to vanish, to hide, to disappear. I want to curl up in a safe place where humans do not act like cruel monsters. I want to heal, to be carefree and happy again.
All in all, I want this trial (in every sense of the word) just to be over.
Closure? Moving on? Forgiveness? Compassion? No. Right now, definitely not.
PS from the following day 9/29/16: After I published this post, I felt so much better! Just being able to scream and shout and pound my fists in this writing piece helped me to release a lot. Thank you for all your love and care. I feel held, accepted and seen.
Also, to clarify: the preliminary hearing is not the actual trial. It merely establishes that there is enough probable cause to warrant a jury trial. The “real” trial will take place some time in 2017 and be much longer and more involved.