On Hip Replacement

Next week I will undergo hip replacement surgery. My left hip has been bothering me so much that most daily activities have become painful. With the knee replacement I waited for about 10 years, hoping for the invention of technology to reverse cartilage degeneration, doing lots of physical therapy and muscle building, and always having something more important to do than dealing with my knee. So now no more, I am going to take care of it so that I can enjoy an active, pain free lifestyle.

Some say that hips are related directly to the second chakra, that hip pain is a sign of held emotions and fear of intimacy, and that energy in the hips can be an indication that one is not ready to let go of the past and move forward. Ah well. That all might be so and yet it is also clear that I have arthritis in the hip joint that will never be cured and with time will just get worse.

This preparatory time is quite the opportunity for expansion and wakefulness! Under the magnifying glass of my awareness a thousand and one microscopic invitations for being present have appeared. The way I pull on my socks. How I bend down to pick up something from the floor. The manner in which I move around, make my tea in the morning. How I carry my bag or sit down on the toilet seat. How I curl up on my side and reach out to pet my Wonderdog Coco in the morning when we both wake up. How I tie my shoelaces and take off my undies and fill up the dog bowl, and sweep the floor and dust the cabinet. How I move when I dance, in a moment of high ecstasy, enveloped by loud, rhythmic music, not caring much about the pain in my hip. How I shift gears in my car.

I mean – everything! Every single moment has become an opportunity for growth and attentiveness.

None of these “things” I’m used to will be possible for me for a while after the surgery, at least not in their usual, mundane, almost automatic way. Facing this reality I am very acutely aware of how much I still – even after all I have been through – take for granted. And how much goes on every moment without me even noticing!

Watching it like the bright light dot of a laser pointer darting here and there, shining on the minute, I am quietly amazed at the intricacy of everything.

“Meditation means being in the moment, not leaving this moment. Someone asked Buddha, ‘How shall we meditate?’ Buddha replied, ‘Whatsoever you do, do it with awareness; this is meditation. Walking, walk attentively, as if walking is everything; eating, eat with awareness, as if eating is everything; rising, rise with awareness; sitting, sit with awareness; all your actions become conscious, your mind does not travel beyond this moment, it remains in the moment, settles in the moment – this is meditation.’ […]

So understand well that meditation is not just one of life’s innumerable activities. It is not just one link in the chain of man’s endless doings. It is like the thread on which all the flowers of a garland have been strung. Meditation is a lifestyle, not an activity. If one is meditative in everything one is doing, if the thread is running through each of the flowers, only then a garland is created. The thread is not even visible, it is hidden underneath the flowers. Nor can the meditator be seen; he is present, but hidden behind all the activities being done through him.” ~ © Osho, gratefully excerpted from Nowhere To Go But In

 

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Celebrating 75 Years ❤️

Today I celebrate the 75th anniversary of Steve’s birth, yes, even though he is no longer alive in his body.

I’m reminded of when he turned 60. For months before the big occasion, he’d been telling me that for his 60th he either wanted to go to Las Vegas and see a show or have a huge party at home. What would it be? We couldn’t decide which was better, so I secretly organized for our closest friends to meet and party with us – in Las Vegas. All Steve knew was that Las Vegas was going to be it. He was so looking forward to the trip since he had never been there before!

The day came, and off we flew, spent the afternoon lounging by the pool of the Hollywood Hotel (or rather: hiding by the pool because I didn’t want him to see our friends who were arriving throughout the afternoon, instructed not to go to the pool until the next day) and in the evening him and I took in the spectacular “O” show by Cirque de Soleil. He was ecstatic, it was all he’d wished for. His birthday celebrations were off to an excellent start.

The next morning after a late birthday breakfast we strolled along the fake canals of the Venetian, marveling at this made-up Italian world. We stood on a curved bridge, and just when a gondola was passing below us, with a barcarolli singing loudly about amore, amore, Steve suddenly spotted two of our friends on the other side of the Grand Canal.

“Oh my gosh, look, Lokita, there’s Frank and Suzie! What are they doing here?” he exclaimed, throwing his arms around in the air. It was a moment of so much joy, a great reunion, and many hugs, as they explained that Frank who was based on the East Coast, was there on business and Steve told them that it was his 60th birthday. How fabulous!

Together the four of us mosied over to the gelateria in the center of the fake piazza, and out of nowhere appeared Raul and Alicia. Steve could hardly contain himself with excitement that another couple from our circle of closest and dearest was here, with us! And on his birthday, of all days! Amazing.

“I can’t believe it! What a coincidence!”, he kept shouting, hugging and shaking his head. Impossible!

After devouring the ice cream and chatting away happily it slowly dawned on him what was going on, as more friends arrived. There was love and laughter in abundance, and we had a fantastic 60th birthday bash with Steve, complete with birthday hat and candles, a fine dinner and dancing the night away at the then-hottest outdoor rooftop bar in town.

Today, turning 75, he would have danced wildly and laughed loudly, sung along songs from the late 1960s played by a band made up of his friends, and he would have received and given so much love and exuberance. I can see his broad smile now!

Since we cannot know for sure if his disembodied presence is out there somewhere inexplicable or not, I reckon it’s a good idea to send him a lot of love today anyway, celebrating this wonderful man who was with us and touched our lives so deeply.

❤️ 🙌 ❤️

“You exist in time, but you belong to eternity – you are a penetration of eternity into the world of time. You are deathless, living in a body of death. Your consciousness knows no death, no birth. It is only your body that is born and dies.” ~Osho

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One more Year

I’m still missing Steve but I guess that will be so until my last breath. Unbelievable that a whole year has passed since my last blog post which I wrote on the day that marked six years since Steve died. Today, well, it’s been seven years.

In my life “7” has always been significant. For example, at age 14 I had a spiritual experience that set me on the tantric path. At 21 I became deeply involved in the field of my spiritual teacher and lived close to him. At 35 I rose in love with Steve and moved to the US. Always, cycles of 7 have signified the end and the beginning of a new phase.

So today, seven years after my beloved was murdered, the manuscript for my book is complete. Some 68,000 words are written, edited, re-edited, shaped, re-read and reviewed a thousand times. The final result is an intense and moving reading experience that spans the arch of me living in Australia, meeting Steve and being together for 17 years, and ending when I released his ashes into the sea.

There are anecdotes from our marriage, from teaching Tantra together, and from my childhood in Northern Germany, interspersed with spiritual insights into dealing with life-threatening cancer, loss, grief, murder and court drama, and the ultimate triumph: that I am still alive today, healthy and having achieved balance again in my life.

It could be considered a true crime memoir, a spiritual memoir, a transformational memoir… there is so much in this story that I find it difficult to categorize. But what I do know is that even I, the one who went through everything that is now a written book, can’t stop crying and at times laughing, when I read it!

What is most important to me is that this story will touch many, many people, whether they are finding themselves in times of crisis, or are intrigued by the story and wonder how this woman Lokita got through it all, or they simply want to read an engrossing, inspiring memoir. I hope that many readers will accept my invitation to reflect deeply on the way they live and think, and share more love and joy with themselves, each other, and those around them.

And so this 7-year mark feels like the beginning of the new phase as I am ready to present myself as a writer with a completed manuscript who is looking for representation and publishing; trusting, as always, that life will support my purpose and higher vision.

On another note, my Wonderdog Coco and I are both well. We spend most of our days and nights together and her unconditional love, enthusiasm and presence touch me deeply, again and again. She had an operation for some strange tumors in July which fortunately turned out to be harmless. My own regular medical checkups have shown nothing but excellent health, and I enjoy my life as much as I possibly can. I’m still missing Steve but I guess that will be so until my last breath.

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I am not my Story

Another October 5th, the date that shall forever be ingrained in my being. Six years today since my beloved Steve was killed. And somehow, life has gone on. Today I am happy to report that for the past few months I have been deeply immersed in creating an inspirational memoir. It is going very well, the creative juices are flowing freely, and I have turned into a complete recluse. It certainly has not been easy to revisit the difficult places, to reread my blog, and to choose what to tell in my book, and how to tell it.

Many times I have found myself in tears over my own story. The most horrible things happened, and I am still here. Somehow, I made my way through the great dissolution of my life, to find myself anew every day.

I am not my body, not my hair, not my breast, and no, I am not my story, either. The definitions of who I am have all vanished, and now there is just a vast me-ness enjoying every day, every meal, every walk with my doghter Coco, every swim in the sea; every breath, really.

Before long the writing will be complete, and then the quest for a literary agent and a publisher will begin. I am both excited and nervous to birth this new baby, nurturing it, and seeing it thrive.

Sending love and gratitude to you all for being in my life. ❤

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