(Note the past tense.) Yes, I hit the wall, I arrived at rock bottom. No, I did not want to live any more. The dark night of the soul, the darkest hour, period. The tiredness was total and overpowering; I let myself be tiredness personified. The next session with my psychotherapist:
I cried my eyes out and told him over and over that I did not have the strength, power or will to continue with life. Then he, with his infinite wisdom and Padmasambhava-like clarity uttered what turned me around, instantly, and completely:
You already died, Lokita.
It snapped me out of my emotions faster than I could say the words. He spoke the simple truth: I already died. Even the safety and reliability of my body is no longer there. Impermanence and unpredictability have become very, very real.
I already died.
The statement gave me a new feeling. All thoughts of wanting to die disappeared. The fog of tiredness lifted. I saw that life has wiped away the past, as it always does, really. What is left are but the memories whose reverberations are shaping the present moment. Paraphrasing Jeru Kabbal from his fabulous Quantum Light Breath meditation, “The individual notes are gone but the melody continues to resonate.”
Yet what is real now, is fresh and unexplored territory; new notes altogether. Terms, indeed experiences like resurrection, rebirth, and resurgence are emerging.
Living nowadays is an experiment. It is no longer this state of being that simply is, that I take for granted. I know for sure that life in this body is finite.
So, every day I do something I haven’t ever done before. Going for a walk with Coco in the dark, or in pouring rain, or down a muddy palm-fringed road with my wellies on. Driving back and forth, back and forth on my driveway to compact the newly repaired dirt road so the torrential tropical downpours will not wash it away. Exploring strange and mysterious-looking trails I have never been to before. Going barefoot where I usually wear sandals. Eating things I would not normally eat.
It is empowering and uplifting. The freshness, the presence, yes, the permission! There is so much to experience and to learn, to explore and discover!
And especially myself. “You already died, Lokita”, Dr Matt said. And here I am, still breathing. Again and again and again: who am I?
I’ll keep you posted.
PS. Thank you for reading my blog and commenting. It continues to be an essential source of support and light for me knowing that I am held and loved, and that my writing is inspiring and maybe even helpful to my readers. Sending love and gratitude. 💖
In your process of asking the question, all your answers should have dropped away and only the question should be left. And the day that only your question remains, your question will shoot like an arrow into your innermost self – because then there aren’t any answers on the periphery to stop it. Then, you will travel inwards.” ~Osho, The Voice of Silence, Ch 16 (excerpt)