I already died

(Note the past tense.) Yes, I hit the wall, I arrived at rock bottom. No, I did not want to live any more. The dark night of the soul, the darkest hour, period. The tiredness was total and overpowering; I let myself be tiredness personified. The next session with my psychotherapist:

I cried my eyes out and told him over and over that I did not have the strength, power or will to continue with life. Then he, with his infinite wisdom and Padmasambhava-like clarity uttered what turned me around, instantly, and completely:

You already died, Lokita.

It snapped me out of my emotions faster than I could say the words. He spoke the simple truth: I already died. Even the safety and reliability of my body is no longer there. Impermanence and unpredictability have become very, very real.

I already died.

The statement gave me a new feeling. All thoughts of wanting to die disappeared. The fog of tiredness lifted. I saw that life has wiped away the past, as it always does, really. What is left are but the memories whose reverberations are shaping the present moment. Paraphrasing Jeru Kabbal from his fabulous Quantum Light Breath meditation, “The individual notes are gone but the melody continues to resonate.”

Yet what is real now, is fresh and unexplored territory; new notes altogether. Terms, indeed experiences like resurrection, rebirth, and resurgence are emerging.

Living nowadays is an experiment. It is no longer this state of being that simply is, that I take for granted. I know for sure that life in this body is finite.

So, every day I do something I haven’t ever done before. Going for a walk with Coco in the dark, or in pouring rain, or down a muddy palm-fringed road with my wellies on. Driving back and forth, back and forth on my driveway to compact the newly repaired dirt road so the torrential tropical downpours will not wash it away. Exploring strange and mysterious-looking trails I have never been to before. Going barefoot where I usually wear sandals. Eating things I would not normally eat.

It is empowering and uplifting. The freshness, the presence, yes, the permission! There is so much to experience and to learn, to explore and discover!

And especially myself. “You already died, Lokita”, Dr Matt said. And here I am, still breathing. Again and again and again: who am I?

I’ll keep you posted.

PS. Thank you for reading my blog and commenting. It continues to be an essential source of support and light for me knowing that I am held and loved, and that my writing is inspiring and maybe even helpful to my readers. Sending love and gratitude. 💖

Ask, “Who am I?” but don’t give any answer. Use all your energy in asking the question, and don’t save any of it for answering – because your answer does not have any value. Your answer will be something which you have heard somewhere or the sayings of some sages or from your social conditioning. It will be like dust which has gathered on you from the outside: it will have no value. Ask as if you do not have any answer left to give.

In your process of asking the question, all your answers should have dropped away and only the question should be left. And the day that only your question remains, your question will shoot like an arrow into your innermost self – because then there aren’t any answers on the periphery to stop it. Then, you will travel inwards.” ~Osho, The Voice of Silence, Ch 16 (excerpt)

 

 

42 replies
  1. Laura Bridges Newhouse
    Laura Bridges Newhouse says:

    Thank you for sharing your intimate journey with us, Lokita. Your story, in every chapter, shines light on our awareness and how we see our own lives. It gives us courage to keep asking “who am I?” while the landscape of our lifetime continues to change around us. Blessings and love to you and Coco.

    Reply
    • Janet
      Janet says:

      Lokita this is one of your most remarkable and touching posts. The idea that you can fully live again almost as a rebirth, Thank you for sharing. What a wise therapist you have.

      Reply
  2. Christina de Jongh
    Christina de Jongh says:

    Wish I was there to share a hug. Love you so much. No words…. what you are going through is unfathomable… Witness only… Love you so much….Christina

    Reply
  3. Peter
    Peter says:

    Dear Lokita, your blog posts continue to move and inspire me. I recently picked up Osho’s Body and Mind Balancing book. I’m about to start reading it, partly for inspiration and partly as a resource to support the life coaching work Lynne and I are now doing. Thank you for your ongoing courage and your life-affirming words. I read them all and remember fondly the wonderful time we had with you and Steve. Blessings!

    Reply
  4. Leslie
    Leslie says:

    Oh, Lokita! Your journey and your writing move me so deeply, I am in tears with each of your posts. Thank you for sharing your profound experiences with us so honestly and with such poetic articulateness. We only met once for a weekend workshop in NYC but you and Steve and that experience had a deep impact on me which continues to resonate even now. Please know how cherished and held in loving energy you are! Thank you again and all blessings to you! And please give Coco a sweet hello from our Murphy and Jackson!

    Reply
  5. Oceana
    Oceana says:

    This post is easily the most touching for me yet. I know what this tiredness is. I, too, came back from the edge in just this way. It’s a good reminder. You are well loved, lady Lokita. Your wisdom is deep, raw, and inspiring; and I am honored to partake. Thank you!

    Reply
  6. Tracy
    Tracy says:

    Each and every day you are rebirthing yourself!

    So sorry our connection was so bad last time we talked. Let’s try again soon!

    Love,
    T.

    Reply
  7. Emily Akemon
    Emily Akemon says:

    Thank you for sharing, Lokita. I always find something to connect to in your writing. Reading your words I look at my own experience in new ways. It is a gift.

    ❤️

    Reply
  8. Mary Alice
    Mary Alice says:

    This is another one I needed. Not because I want to die, but because life is calling me to live in a new way. Take risks. Why not. How not. Lokita, please send keep writing. Your voice is pure and so clear.

    Reply
  9. Lourdes
    Lourdes says:

    Your post is very existential and real. Your therapist woke you up from a dream state and into the moment. I send you my love and please know you’re always in my thoughts and prayers. The court is over, life goes on but your loss is real. Send you love Lokita❤️

    Reply
  10. Paul Roselli
    Paul Roselli says:

    Heartening to hear of life beating death and dying giving life again. I’ve watched plants pass away in winter only to rise like fisted hands pushing through in spring. Lokita I have died with you. Watching, reading, hearing reasoned and wiser voices talk of healing and justice in all that has taken place these years. Words are not adequate. But they are what we have. Love.

    Reply
  11. Debra DeAngelo
    Debra DeAngelo says:

    If you have already died… you have already been reborn too. You are starting over, as a newborn… and there are so many around you ready to pour love and support to you. And, like a newborn… you don’t just get up and walk right after you’re delivered… it takes a good long while, and mastering the tiny things first… just holding up your head is a task, at first… grabbing a spoon… rolling over.
    Don’t expect any more of yourself than you can do that day… going barefoot and trying new food… those are do-able.
    Sometimes I wonder if it would comfort you to be around a horse? I got an old horse to lead around, as therapy. It has worked wonders. I would be more than happy to share him with you… <3
    And… who are you? You are someone who, regardless of all that has happened to you, has changed my life and my trajectory, and has been, and is, a source of inspiration. Even though you've "already died"…. you are still Goddess to me.
    I love you, Lokita. <3

    Reply
  12. Marilyn
    Marilyn says:

    I got such powerful strong GOOSEBUMPS…when I read what he said. “You already died Lokita.”

    Wow…it even was a transmission for me. That you SO!

    xoxo

    Marilyn

    Reply
  13. Wayne Greenway
    Wayne Greenway says:

    You are such an inspiration Lokita and one of the toughest people I have ever met.
    Thank you for being who you are and showing us all how to persevere in these difficult times.
    With love and hugs,
    Wayne

    Reply
  14. Alan Revere
    Alan Revere says:

    When I read your words I drop into a different space and place, Lokita. You are my teacher and scout. Your stories are my lessons. Your struggles are my struggles. Your tears are mine, too. And the sun comes out every day anew. I am sending you love from LET 1 with the Shakti of my dreams. Thank you for introducing us.

    Reply
  15. EveLynn
    EveLynn says:

    I am totally without words! My heart is full of sorrow as well as inspiration. Sending you love, comfort, strength and powerful acknowledgement of well expressed truths. I am jolted into that truth which was difficult for me to speak about until now. I lost my beloved too back in the late 80’s and understand the stages of death and rebirth of which you speak. Thank you for giving it language.

    Reply
  16. Veetman
    Veetman says:

    Beloved Lokita,
    all your courage and letting-go must come from the same source as your pain and love and everything you describe so beautifully and sincerely. Again I thank you, thank you, for these sharings and messages of sincerity. Yes, fierce grace, and it will bring you forward to BEING, no more becoming. I wish we could meet someday, yes. What else to say than “Thank you”, and remember and see the love holding you up, as it shows up in so many ways! Yes, you have already died. Nothing left to loose. I know….

    Reply
  17. victoria
    victoria says:

    Your words deeply resonate on a deep cellar level awaking in me
    my inner wisdom and highest potential of truth. I feel so blessed to read your posts on this Blog
    never a superficial offering, always a deep meaningful words of awareness,
    love, light, encouragement and as you reveal the human story of
    living with grace as your constant guide always.
    Namaste in deep gratitude, Victoria. XoX

    Reply
  18. Ellen Cohen
    Ellen Cohen says:

    What a gift from Dr. Matt. And learning that lesson of impermanence and self reliance without having to go to Burning Man. Your description of all the new experiences you are embracing inspires me to open my mind and do the same. Thank you for sharing your intimate journey. Sending a big hug.

    Reply
  19. Karen Gimbel
    Karen Gimbel says:

    I value every blog post of yours, even though we’ve never “met” in person. Your journey and how you share your experience is moving me every time you post, and I read with great interest. Thank you for sharing. And blessings on every moment. This post moved me especially. “Die before you die…” is a practice I have been working with. The way you described your experience of this, though, with what you’ve “lived through” I find especially helpful. Thank you, deep bow. <3

    Reply
  20. Michele
    Michele says:

    Breathing into Mindfulness of LIFE and DEATH!! A moment by moment journey in the consciousness of now.
    You are LOVE & You Are LOVED!!
    Bows of Gratitude for your PRESENCE, WISDOM & BEARING WITNESS to your journey,
    Michele

    Reply
  21. Lines of Beauty
    Lines of Beauty says:

    I loved reading this Lokita. I think of you often as a source of great inspiration. You are absolutely held and loved, through and through. Thank you for telling your story. Xo, Louise

    Reply
  22. Aisha
    Aisha says:

    Thank you for sharing. It was exactly what I needed in this moment. I am so inspired by your journey and your willingness to live and experience all of life. Thank you…

    Reply
  23. Edie Weinstein
    Edie Weinstein says:

    So glad that in the midst of having died. you have chosen to live and grace the world with your precious gifts. In a somewhat similar way, but for different reasons (a heart attack on June 12, 2014), I have said that the woman I was died that day to give birth to the one I am now. Many blessings and much love to you. <3

    Reply
  24. Deja
    Deja says:

    You are held and you are Loved and you do continue to inspire me every time you share your heart so beautifully. Blessings Dear Lokita. 💖💫

    Reply
  25. Sara Firman
    Sara Firman says:

    Like so many of those commenting I found this blog especially powerful, in its writing and its message. The point at which everything shifts. And I love that the different things you find yourself doing are very grounded, of the earth and of the body. Thank you Lokita for all that you are offering in so many ways.

    Reply
  26. Lisa P
    Lisa P says:

    Beautifully said! I love reading your writings, they are so pure and loving. A lot of it resonates deeply within me from one soul to another. Sending love and hugs to you.

    Reply
  27. Karen Fitzgerald
    Karen Fitzgerald says:

    I spent one weekend in NYC at the Open Center, where you and Steve taught a class. I still talk about it often and was so shocked to hear about Steve and all you have been through. And you continue to inspire. Every time I see one of your blogs on FB I have to read it. Thank you, Lokita, for making our lives richer.

    Reply
  28. Sue Tobias
    Sue Tobias says:

    To do something different every day- so inspiring to actually take action every day- to reach for that fresh experience – to do something difficult/be someone different. Yes! I’m doing that today! Thank you for living and being with us, Lokita.

    Reply
  29. Katharine
    Katharine says:

    Thank you for your wisdoms. May they continue to be of benefit to you and others. As long as you are moved to continue writing them they are certain to be read. Always. K

    Reply
  30. Ken Kinghorn
    Ken Kinghorn says:

    Lokita, I’m so wishing for you to find freedom and renewal in the truth of those words. You’re an inspiration.

    Reply
  31. Sonya
    Sonya says:

    Wow – a deep breath of relief/release… a smile, a booming heart-beat… for you and with you. 👋🏾 ❤️

    Reply

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