3 Years ago today…
The 5th of October. Three years ago today the Unthinkable happened. My heart is heavy. It is impossible not to think about it. Especially today. Thoughts of Steve appear on the screen of my mind every single day. But the “anniversary” is different, it is more intense. Just seeing the date makes the hair stand up at the back of my neck, and I feel cold shivers running up and down my body.
On the first recurrence of October 5th, I was in the rehab clinic in Germany for physical therapy after my knee replacement. At that time the preliminary hearing was going on and I was freaked out, on the verge of losing it completely. Fortunately I had excellent psychological support. I remember sitting on a bench overlooking the green pastures, in tidal waves of grief and fury, feeling so lonely. But then, someone came by and shared their life story with me, and mine was not quite so bad any more.
On the second recurrence, last year, I was in Denmark, and spent the day reading the entire transcript of the preliminary hearing from the year before. It included every single detail of what happened. Some 1500 pages of legal inquiry, testimonies, circumstances, minute details, who said what and when, who did what and how. It was excruciatingly painful, unbelievably sad, infuriating and also strangely liberating.
Today, three years later. I spent the day taking special care of my heart and body, together with my best girlfriend. In the early evening, at 6pm, we went to the trail where Steve was shot at 6:10pm three years ago. Perhaps for the last time. I wasn’t going to go, but woke up feeling that I must – to sit there one more time, bringing flowers, watching the petals slowly blow away in the breeze.
Meditating on the incomprehensible mystery of life and death, impermanence, and the amazing gift I have received by still being vibrantly alive today after all that happened.
“Life has been given to you to live. It is a gift of nature to you. It is not a punishment; it is simply a gift from existence. Rejoice in it, and burn your life’s candle from both ends together. Live as intensely as possible and the very taste of life will give you the clue why death is not to be feared. Once you have known your life, its fire, you will know that there is no death.
This life that one comes to know by intense living is eternal. The feeling of its eternity arises simultaneously as you live. The deeper, the more intensely you live, the quicker you feel there is no death. It is only an entry into another life.”
~Osho, From Personality to Individuality
❤️
The view is beautiful from the hills above. I think if him every time I pass the trail head.
Three years already.
Ahhhh Dear Lokita … i hear Steve saying “dip into the honey pot” “yummmmmmm”
I know he wants Us All, especially You, to savor the sweetness in our lives to the fullest! 😘😘😘☮️💜❤️🧡💛💚💙🖤💔💓🌹
When I think of Steve, I recall the last time I saw him. Jon and I had just completed another of your delicious workshops. We were pulling one of the loading carts and Steve approached us driving a small white pickup.
. He stopped to chat with us and I recall thinking “What a llight he is in our lives. Such a joyous man.” That is how we remember him always and his way of being resonates daily with us.
My heart is full with the love I feel from you and for you and Steve…you are a blessing dear Lokita❤️
3 years ago at 6 am I picked up the chronicle outside and looked at the front page story and started screaming..Aryay woke up and rushed out to me thinking I’d been attacked..no resolution to his loss but he is always in our hearts and Aryay has his photo from the memorial sitting above his desk to gaze at regularly ..
One of my last memories of Steve was at a memorable workshop in Middletown …we stayed in your casita and the couple next door were making love loudly and luxuriously all night long while my husband, Aryay snored through….in the morning I indignantly went to Steve to tell him of my travails and he smilingly gave me earplugs……acceptance and move on…impermanence
I love you Lokita
We’ve been thinking of you guys, and the Mystery. Sending Love to you, dear Lokita…
Crying with you as I read your blog… dearest Lokita… there are no words for the unspeakeable interruption of life that happened on that path. Interruption of the life of such a wonderful sweet Steve, whose heart was growing more and more open every day for others, who had so much to share and to give. It is just not possible to grasp this interruption of existence happened…I think of him with a big smile in my heart. He always made me laugh. I am with you in my heart. Love you so much.
Dearest Lolita, thank you for providing such a deep, profound post. I met steve in ’89 at Bpi Santa Rosa, only to yet receive another spiritual hello to join you and steve at Harbin years later.workin with you both was immensely beneficial in shaping my charter, manifest healthy experiences and love. Steve and I would laugh when in the midst of a totally packed and vivacious workshop he would come to me and say – “hey tony can you check my grounding cord”. Contact, amusement, remembering who we are. Contemplating after this read I will take the words of osho and live deeply into my existence, I’m again inspired by you. Thank you!!!
gratitude and love to you Lolita.
Most sincerely
Tony
Dear Sister,
Once again our lives run parallel paths, and your bitter sweet reflections buoy my own. This year I lost a young man who was most like a son to me, and have been bewildered yet again at how life seems to take that which brings the most joy. But roses on the path and the wind that lifts them like your words remind me that all blessings are gifts but for a moment … drops of rain on the hungry earth of my heart singing on the river of one soul. Music that makes whole. Blessed be, blessed be, thanks for sharing with all, with me.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan, I send you love and may your heart be open every moment to feel all there is ❤️