Speaking about the Unspeakable
A wise friend suggested that certain words I use to speak about the events surrounding Steve’s death might not serve my own healing. For example, “Steve was murdered”, “he was killed” or “he was shot dead in cold blood” and so forth. Honestly, I had been using these words consciously because I really wanted everyone to know about it – in very clear language, without making it sound “nice”. Somehow speaking like that had felt right because it actually happened that way, and why bother disguising it in a nice word costume – he tragically passed away. He died suddenly. Steve left the earthly realm. He left his body. Steve’s sad and shocking death. Whatever!
Yet, I thought about what she said. So for the past few days I have been speaking about his death in other ways, without using the harsh words of the reality how it happened, and yes, I admit, it feels better.
The vibrations of different words, carefully chosen, are more gentle, less jarring, less shocking – for myself, and I imagine for the people I speak with, as well.
In myself I definitely sense a certain mental relaxation when I speak differently about his death, and my heart is more at ease. Not that it makes it any easier for me to come to terms with the loss of my beloved. But it helps in a tiny little way.
What happened to Steve, and Coco (and Audrey in Golden Gate Park) is simply unspeakable, and it will be forever in the hearts and minds of those of us who have been touched by him, or have heard about and shared in this tragic and improbable life story of ours.
Yet, there is also an invitation to shine the light of awareness on many aspects and ramifications of it. For one – how I communicate and think about it directly reflects back to me my self-care, as well as compassion for others.
I think it is important for all of us to look at the way we communicate, what words we choose, what the purpose is of each communication, and how it affects us and the person we speak with. And I am not talking about a complicated communication model – just awareness.
Thank you to my wise friend for her awareness!
PS. This, of course, also goes for the way I communicate and think about the cancer and its treatment — “healing elixir” sure sounds better than “toxic chemotherapy drugs”, and “curable cancer” feels a lot better than “deadly ill”, not to mention that “surrender” has a different tone than “fight the battle”.
Thank you for sharing my journey with me. I could not do it without knowing about all the love and support that you have for me.
Please know my love and blessings go with you with each post you write. The real words I wish to say are in the “beyond words” realm of human language and communication. Wholeheartsoullove.
Dear Lokita,
Its hard to fathom what you are going through emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically however your amazing strength leaves me in aw. Even as you process these events of the last several months you and Steve continue to teach, guide and counsel with your writing. You have given me personally some very valuable things to reflect upon and those things have helped in my own healing. As we journey through this temporary physical life its refreshing and meaningful to encounter such wisdom and beauty from a soul such as yourself and your beloved husband. You have both touched our lives (my husband and I) beyond measure. Thank you! We are so grateful. Thank you for sharing your journey, your wisdom and your thoughts. You are being herd and your gift is important.
Sending healing energy, love and blessing always,
Karen
Lokita, thanks for sharing your journey with us. Words and tone do matter, and can change attitudes and minds. Steve was a man of love, hope, peace and smiles. That’s how I remember him, with his beautiful smile. That and his strong positive energy. And his love for all of us, especially you!
Dear Lokita, you are the inspiration from whom I draw strength in my own cancer treatment. My sorrow for the loss of Steve is so deep. Your words today, the sharing of your wisdom through your writings eases sorrow and also my journey. I think of you every day and send love and sweetness in the midst of all you are going through. Thank you for being you and for sharing yourself so amazingly.
Lokita, I too share murder in my immediate family. It was 10 years ago and I notice when I use that word in the infrequent sharing of the story it always contains traces of unresolved violence, anger, frustration and grief from me. I try to find other gentler ways to describe the experience, however that is what happened and I can’t always find a way to sugarcoat it. As a culture we are so desensitized from violence that we see on screens and other media that to directly transmit the energy of the horrible personal experience to others does often have a positive effect, opening hearts in a way that gives them an insight into their own detachment. I send you many blessings and love, light and laughter. – JK
I agree!
Well said. The words in Genesis talk about how the creator “spoke” the world into existence. Most people miss that meaning. We too speak our world into existence one day at a time. I appreciate knowing the brutality of what happened. Sometimes the truth hurts but it also heals in the long run.
Dear Lokita,
Blessings on you and Coco
Nathalie
from SkyDancing France
Hi Lokita,
We have never met but we have community in common and I have often walked the trail where Steve left his body. You have given me such awakening in sharing your process and love. You are a great teacher and a brilliant loving soul. I
Grateful for your openness to teach even through this, to practice even through this, to stay open hearted and learning even through this. It gives me great hope and shows me How it is possible. Oh beauty, may you heal, may you heal, may you heal.
“Our tragic and improbable life story” a film about the lives of Lokita and Steve Carter. I don’t mean to be trivial, Lokita, but your life and your life as a couple with Steve must be told. We need to do a documentary, better yet, a film.
Hi Lokita,
Thank you for sharing these words of wisdom. What a blessing and easing of spirit for you at this time, that your friend shared her wisdom.
I think that that other language had its place. It really served to express the shock you/we all felt. Expressing it with those words was appropriate and healing at the time.
Bless you that you are now able to hear your friend’s message and shift your inner and outer talk.
With love,
Leslie
Thank you for your great sharings and insights. I was actually liking the way you were calling it directly with no sugar coating..but I see too it’s great to have different tools in the chest to use conciously.
Whatever you got it you are bravely digesting quite a chunk of humanity and life circumstance and as your doing this with such powerful presence you are transmuting this for all of us. Deep bow
Dearest Lokita, Having lost my best friend of 30 years I have also thought about the words I choose to describe her death. I’ve never liked the phrases “passed away” and “lost her courageous battle”. i simply say, “Karen died. When someone asks how I’m doing, I say” I’m grieving deeply in a way I’ve never allowed myself before.” Thank you for addressing this in your posting. My heart goes out to you daily. Much love, Laurie
Dear Lokita,
Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Yes, wise words indeed, plus the delivery from this wise friend, was mindfully chosen for your Heart to hear at this time. Words carry vibration that carries energy, that moves energy, shifts energy. Initially, you expressed the pain of separation from Love & anger for what you were feeling around having this experience. Honest human emotion, releasing & expressing. Moving through this experience, the energy is changing, You are finding Your Power to shift energy, through thoughts, Words & action. Your Voice.
When we speak from our Hearts, it is recognizable as Love. Your wise friend no doubt delivered this message for you from Love. And Love is So Powerful it not only moves energy, it transforms it. There is a quote from “the wizard of Oz”, where Glenda the good witch says; “you know, You had the Power all along my Dear.” WORD Infinite Love… <3
Lokita, We have never met, but my heart goes out to you. I loved your post. It felt honest and brave and real of you to say the dark words out loud in previous posts, and perhaps that is a necessary step. And I too realize I unnecessarily reactivated trauma each time I read those words again, and I notice a kinder feeling when reading your alternative words. With your cancer, if I may wonder… it has been said that “fighting the battle” does have some power against cancer….could you reframe that to reflect a positive kind of struggle, as well as surrender? There is greatness about struggle when entered into fully, willingly, with love – for life, or for anything else. To me, your posts reveal something loving and great engaging in a huge struggle, and it makes me want to cheer you on.
Thank you for reminding me of the power of words and language. Sending love, love, and more love. 💕
Lokita–Yes, my friend, we grow so much more in community, when we really listen to another’s advise and apply it to our own life. When you tried “different” words and felt how they affected you differently in the using, that is something we all need to be mindful of in our own lives.
Today, in the Christian church, is called All Saints Day. At our worship service this morning, we remembered those from our congregation who had passed on to eternal glory within the past year. After the roll was read, the congregation was asked to speak aloud the names of anyone else we wanted to be remembered. I spoke the name of Steve Carter. His spirit, zest for life, encouraging ways, and his smile (a smile that made you want to smile right back at him) made him a saint to many. He lives still in our collective memories. Carol
Dear Lokita, there is a power of creation in the words we use. The event of Steve’s death is not static, might I offer that for both you and I, to nibble on? I’m just feeling my way here, not claiming to be the authority at all. The moment that his life was suddenly changed, impacted yours so profoundly as well… and, what if there is a continuation of that event that is, as in life, an unfolding of the mysteries of our genuine and true connection with all that took place and is taking place? What if the softening into surrender and acceptance is only possible by claiming all of the words, all of the vibrations, of what did and is happening? That is what creation is, maybe? I’ve felt, when I was working to allow Shuchi to speak through me to her beloved, after she transitioned, that his pain and grief in feeling separate from her, was giving energy to his state of separateness, yet she was very real and very present in her communication of wellbeing from her new state of after the body-ness… alive in a very different way. I’m just offering this tenderly, because I really do not know how it all works… I have the comfort of what those who have transitioned have communicated through me (and, I do not consider myself a medium for that purpose – this was a one or two time kind of thing) and, at least from those situations, their new experience perspective was one of amazing, beyond words, love… as if their capacity to love had just about filled up the entire Universe. As my eldest sister was (recovering, we thought, but actually she was) on her way out, she vividly communicated with a dear friend who had been brutally murdered by her own son and she came away from that communication clearly in awe that her friend on the other side said she was fine, all was well, she was not suffering or damned or harmed in any true way, even though she and her husband lost their lives. Again, my understanding of these things is juvenile and amateur… and yet, perhaps, shifting your words now is a vibrational shift that is allowing for the peace that surpasses all understanding, not based on circumstances or conditions. Maybe it is there to lead you into that sacred space where you touch and are touched by the light of what was not harmed because it can never be destroyed. I don’t believe in putting makeup on maggots and calling it a fresh new look for Spring! I’m not advocating spiritual bypassing anything so that we are able to experience the awe of miracles of transcending the horror of something accurately, in a very grounded fashion, as a matter of not trying to make the pain disappear but of being willing to let go and see. I hope this is helpful. Sending you love and appreciation for your continued dedication to love and truth. You are one of the bravest people I know to have the desire to hold as much as you can of this with honesty.
Continuing to hold you in my heart, Lokita, as you courageously continue to step one foot in front of the other. May your recent discovery of the power of your chosen words support your healing process. Sometimes our words are direct and brutally honest, and other times they are tender and a salve for the soul – all of them are true.
Love,
Summer
Lokita you are truly giving a gift with every entry you write. Thank you for passing on this great wisdom.
Stephanie Winter Dunham
Lokita,
Since hearing about the tragedy in your life Sheryl and I have been thinking of you. I don’t want to say too much because I don’t want it to seem hollow. Words just aren’t enough. I just want you to know that the two of you touched our lives and that we wish you the best.
With lots of love,
Thomas and Sheryl
Hi Lokita- Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Yesterday our tantra community had a meditation honoring Steve and celebrating his life. We could all feel the tremendous love and gratitude and sadness. We were all gathered in that room because of you and Steve and your wonderful life’s work of spreading love and ecstasy to thousands of people. All of our lives have been transformed! I am sending you much love every day! Sue
Lokita, your ability to upshift your words as you move through this time is incredible. You are a gift.
(((((HUGS)))) You are in my heart. You are in many hearts. All beating together for you. <3