Leaving the Cave
Nights have been difficult. As soon as my head meets the pillow and I get all snuggled in (with Coco), my heart starts racing. Racing like crazy. I ignore it, pick up my Kindle, read some pages in the latest novel, and eventually fall asleep. But I wake up again, heart racing, in the middle of the night.
My tendency is to focus mental attention away from the thumping of my heartbeat. I do a body scan. Or, starting at the feet, I imagine a slow wave of warm, dark liquid engulfing my toes, then my ankles, the calves and shins, up to the knees and higher up the thighs. By the time I arrive at the hips, I usually fall asleep. Only to wake up a couple of hours later, heart racing.
Dr M, my exquisite psychotherapist, asked me why I did not focus on my heart; perhaps it was trying to tell me something. So in a recent session we did. My heart told us of fear, of being scared to return to California soon, of being scared to travel to Costa Rica, of missing Steve, and being sad to say goodbye to my family, especially my father who is ill. Of letting go of our childhood home. All these feelings!
But one feeling was the biggest of all – the fear of being seen; especially standing in front of my community in the upcoming Tribute for Steve. Some 300 people are preregistered.
Being away from my close friends and community for the last six months has been a mostly solitary retreat; the simplicity of life in this cave has been incredibly healing for me. Sometimes I experienced loneliness but most of all the fullness and deep relaxation of my own company. I notice that the experiences of the past 15 months have made me much softer, and at the same time much stronger than I was before.
Physically I look different; thanks to chemo, my hair color changed from blond to mouse grey. I am slimmer, and there are more wrinkles on my face and my neck. But that’s not why I am afraid of being seen – it is more because I am strong, vibrant, fully alive, and at the same time I am completely bereaved, sad and vulnerable.
The prospect of leaving my cave and return to the world in a few days scares me. I know it is time, though.
Truth over comfort, said Dr M. In the end, I am who I am. Wherever I am. When I connect with the deep trust in that knowing, the fear evaporates, and I even get a little bit excited.
And I look forward to seeing everyone ❤️
Our deepest fear is not that we are weak. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world … As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”
Such a beautiful, vulnerable share! There will be 300 caring, loving people at Steve’s tribute to witness your steadfast beauty. Namaste.
❤️ I look forward to seeing you there.
Thinking of you during these days, Lokita. Embrace your strength while making room for the pain. Know you are cared for and loved. Blessings.
❤️ And, I have been appreciating my Friesendollar every day. Thank you again for your gift. As you can see from my blog, I have visited my favorite island many times in the past six months. ❤️
The nest is waiting for you here – warm and cosy <3
I was JUST talking with my friend about the Nest and how we met at the ferry in the dust in CR nine years ago. It will be wonderful to see you and join you in the nest 🙂
Our deepest fear is not that we are weak. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
This is so very profound, to think that yes indeed our empowerment of our self is what can scare us and cause so much pain. As I know only the light and the goodness within can unify and connect me to my highest potential. I so look forward to reading you Blog as your deep meaningful questions and answers are always what I need to hear and ponder on. Blessings xox Did you consider my offer to help you with you book and promotion of it which I wrote in your last Blog post?
Hello Victoria, thanks for your comment. Because I was traveling for the best part of last month, I have not been able to consider further the idea of writing a book. I thank you for your offer, and will be in touch when I have more clarity about it. <3
You inspire me. Happy thanksgiving Lokita. Xo
You shine for all of us, Lokita. Being able to hold and be present with conflicting realities is what we’re all called to do at this time. I feel close to you across the miles. Sending lots of love.
thank your for your courage.
You are changed forever and because of that I am changed forever! Witnessing your journey is so awe inspiring and has given me faith in the human spirit!
I can’t wait to give you the biggest hug!
So much to “handle” dear woman, and you do so with such an open heart, a deep strength, grace and true awareness. Thank you for your heart, your vulnerability… your Being. Your light shines bright into my heart.
Dearest Lokita, we are so joyful for the opportunity to be your witnesses as you have witnessed us growing and becoming the lights that we are! Come see yourself in our eyes! Take your image in and own it! <3
Love, Amy
P.S. I believe the quotation you ended your blog with was incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela. I have known and loved the full quotation for many years. Here it is in full, with the correct attribution to Marianne Williamson.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"
Thanks for pointing it out, Amy. I have corrected it.
❤️
My heart opens and experiences when I read your words. Thank you Lokita and Coco 😘
Well, I can’t wait to see you again. It’s that simple.
Dearest Lokita, Thinking of you in this time of change and loss- I celebrate you and your courageous journey. I look forward to the celebration of Steve and the wonderful community you both founded. With Love, Susan
much love to you Lokita …. honoring all the circumstances which make your heart race and wondering if you tried to put a big rose quartz on your heart, I had great success with it while having madly irregular heart beats…. it calmed it down to normal…big hugs
“Truth over comfort” – three great little words! Your path has always been so truthful and so transparent. Thank you for taking care of the needs of your wonderful community by having the Tribute to Steve. My spirit and heart are with you and the community (even though my body will still be here in New Jersey!).
Love, Sue
Much love, Lokita!
I’ve been wondering how you were feeling about being at the Tribute with so many (loving) people. And now, because of your willingness and courage to BE seen, I know. Thank you for sharing your deepest self with all of us. Steve will make it 301. love and blessings. Laurie
So happy to hear you surrendered and listen to your fear, making more room for life, love and presence. Looking forward to the community celebration.
Lokita – I’ve been thinking so much of you as the memorial approaches and sending prayers of kindness and surrender. Know that you will be looking out at 299 people who honor and love you and have shared deeply in the collective loss of, and gratitude for, Steve. I am so honored to have been included in your journey through your blog. Thank you for sharing yourself so fully and beautifully. Blessings, blessings, only blessings…
Dearest Lokita, you are beautiful. You are brave. You have been such an inspiration to me. Thank you for all that you shared with me. You and Steve were such mentors and fairy godparents when I went through my transition with Marcus. I can’t wait to hear your voice, taste your humor again and hear you laugh. sending tons of love and appreciation, Joya