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Closure: Is it possible?

A few days ago, one of the three suspects in Steve’s death pleaded guilty to 2nd degree murder in exchange for testifying against his co-suspects. Since then, people have commented to me about the closure this must bring to me. I do very much appreciate their loving thoughts, and at the same time they made me think about the idea of “closure”.

For me, the guilty plea is but a step. There will be legal closure when the trial is done, the sentence  given and imposed, in a year or two. But on an emotional, psychological level, closure is elusive. What is it, really?

I had to come to terms with this horrific, unbearable event and accept it, even though it is completely unacceptable. Steve is gone, he was killed. He will never come back. Seven months last night.

But closure?

Allow me to digress for a moment. My cancer treatment is finished. My “field” – aka left chest – is healing from the radiation and is getting better every day. Strength is slowly coming back, and the color in my face is healthy and vibrant. Today was the final appointment with my medical oncologist to hear her suggestions for follow-up and continued care (not that many, really).

Like a cat’s nine lives, one of mine is coming to an end. Slowly, slowly I am opening to a fresh perspective, newly assembling my life that has been stripped of pretty much everything that defined “me”. In a way it is an uplifting time of rediscovery and newness. One might say that closure is near.

I give my very best to live in the present moment, yet “now” is shaped by what was. So is closure even possible? Can we simply draw a line under something and carry on, magically healed because of closure? The concept seems so permanent and final, when life is a continuum.

Closure is for facts and logistics, procedures and paperwork, agreements and contracts. It is not for the heart.

Steve’s and my family, our friends, our community and I will be marked forever by what happened to him, indeed by all the events in our lives. We learn to deal with the circumstances and move forward with the momentum of the Now, but closure? I don’t know.

Somehow life is not that linear for me anymore.

28 replies
  1. Jill Brown
    Jill Brown says:

    “Closure is for facts and logistics, procedures and paperwork, agreements and contracts. It is not for the heart.” Lokita, this is profound. Makes me think about the potential danger of ‘closure’ of the heart. Things just swim in there forever. James and I have thought of you a million times, and Steve. His life is like a favorite book, finished. One that can be opened again and again, reread, and shared. Maybe you should title this “closure is for your home mortgage, not for the heart”

    Reply
  2. Katalina Fisher
    Katalina Fisher says:

    I would have to agree with you on the notion of closure. What happened to Steve was pure evil. Forgiving from the heart their actions is not a requirement to be a better or ‘good’ person. It is NOT your responsibility to forgive them. In your continuing journey you may find closure of a sort for the changes that will happen in your life, but I personally do not believe that you need to forgive these people for their actions. Moving forward does not mean that you need to forgive them in your heart for their actions in order to be able to move forward. Moving forward means to step into the light of each new day for the opportunities that this new life has to offer you each day, with gratitude and love. This is a painful part of your past and it sucks, horribly. But that which is worthwhile to bring into your present are the love that everyone who knows you. feels for you. You have a strong support system Lokita. Anyone who knows you would do whatever they can to support you as you continue on your journey. I am here. Others are here. Please accept our love as you continue to move forward and know that Steve will always be with you in the many beautiful an varied ways that you will always hold dear to your heart and within your memories. He would not want you to stay entrapped by the evil of these people. They are not worthy of stealing anymore of your hearts emotions or time. Blessings to you. I hope that my words and the words of so many that love you will help you to move forward through all that you have been through. I presently am here to validate, acknowledge and hold space for all the pain you have had to deal with on all levels. You are beautiful and you are loved. Blessings to you sister <3.

    Reply
  3. deborah
    deborah says:

    Beloved Lokita,

    Your words, so powerful and true go right through me. Pierced by the light you shine.
    “Closure?….It is not for the Heart.” I feel the truth of this. The Heart does not “close”
    It does not “walk away”. It does not “move on or forget”. Perhaps it keeps breaking open,
    again and again to make space for all that is. No matter what that is. So we can find a
    way to “hold it” in our heart. I know nothing Lokita. I know only that I am humbled by your
    beauty.

    Reply
  4. Gaby Sitzmann
    Gaby Sitzmann says:

    Lokita, I agree with you wholeheartedly! Closure sounds like an absurd idea to me. We are shaped by our wounds, they might hurt less over time but they had an energetic impact that cannot just be closed off. It all may lead to transformation but then that is a spiral movement not a closing of a door. Anyway, we all have different philosophical ideas….
    Love and light
    Gaby

    Reply
  5. Judy Hancock
    Judy Hancock says:

    I so agree with this, Lokita. It is 9 years ago today that my beloved husband’s life was stolen by cancer. Closure is a myth. I am at peace, i am remarried to a wonderful man, but there will never be closure. I love and honour John every day, even as I move forward in my new life. I feel sure you will do the same with Steve. I know i will never forget him, either. Blessed be.

    Reply
  6. ane takaha
    ane takaha says:

    So beautifully expressed Lokita. How many times have I just wanted to take that feeling and put it in the closet forever. Like I could. Like we could. The heart is not linear. Many blessings on the heart’s journey.

    Reply
  7. Danielle Adair
    Danielle Adair says:

    As human beings of compassion, I believe we hate to see someone suffer. So the idea of closure, the hope that it will somehow heal your soul, is a compassion response. I myself don’t think there is “closure”, but more time passing, and hopefully, some peace. Closure is a concept. Lokita, you amaze me. Your strength is inspiring.

    Reply
  8. Alan Revere
    Alan Revere says:

    Thank you Lokita. The subject of closure has always fascinated me. I appreciate this perspective. Love,

    Reply
  9. linda zimmerman
    linda zimmerman says:

    Beautifully articulated…you make the profound , always, food for thought and self healing. Thank you .

    Reply
  10. Diane
    Diane says:

    Thank you, again, Lokita for your wise words. It’s just what I needed to read today as I ponder my relationship with Harbin. Your courage and strength continues to inspire us.

    Reply
  11. Katharine
    Katharine says:

    for me closure is linked to forgiveness-a word I experience being used often and vaguely by well meaning people. for me forgiveness process was work which I began only on my own terms and when I was ready. now it is more like a I place I visit from time to time-a place by the sea. a rock I pick up and then put down again and again and again. xok

    Reply
  12. Missy
    Missy says:

    Hello Lokita, You do not know me but I am a Harbin resident and follow your blog. I pray for you and Steve often. I do not know what I would have done in your situation. You seem so clear, thoughtful and kind. My heart aches for the painful part of the world that is so confusing and changes our life beyond recognition. But your words are so loving and mature and I thank you for them. I feel like I know you and I will continue to pray for you and send you my healing energy through tears.

    Reply
  13. Silvia
    Silvia says:

    Lokita, beautiful and powerful statement. I continue to send thoughts your way for your healing and strength.

    Reply
  14. Jason Weston
    Jason Weston says:

    Thank you for exploring here a question I’ve been grappling with the last four years since my brother was murdered. There is no closure in my heart, and it isn’t even a goal. His affairs have long been complete, and there will never be an arrest, let alone a trial. And for me, all of that is irrelevant. What’s present is my love, memories, and the rest of my family.

    Loving you so much dear Lokita, and feeling the depth of this profound process.

    Reply
  15. Xanet
    Xanet says:

    Oh Lokita: So elegant and profound as always. No there is no closure yet you are also right that one door is closing for you and another one is opening. I am so in awe of your strength, wisdom, and courage. I look forward to hearing about where the next part of your journey takes you. With so much love and friendship…X

    Reply
  16. Dilly
    Dilly says:

    All I can ma chere Lokita is that you are a brave lady who expresses her feelings in a beautiful way….. You are in my thoughts and prayers. 💛💙💜💚

    Reply
  17. Marci Javril
    Marci Javril says:

    Dearest Lokita, your teachings are now becoming as vast as the universe. We follow you but cannot truly conceive how all these contradictory experiences and feelings can ever be held by one person, especially our sweet Goddess Tantrika. Your wisdom has such a pull, such a hold on our heartstrings, we await every thought process you have, with hope, and compassion, and our own hurts diminish before your challenges. May you continue to reboot your life, into the new platform of What Is, building it from the ashes of What Was. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul, for demonstrating the possibilities, your grasp on insightful pathways to the Spirit we all contain. My guitar gently weeps with your song. Namaste, my teacher.

    Reply
  18. viola bestmann
    viola bestmann says:

    Suesse Lokita,
    das Bild von Dir und Coco am Strand ist schoen.
    Ich freu mich, dass Du am Strand spazieren kannst. Dein Koerper strahlt eine neue Energie aus oder bilde ich mir das ein?
    Hast Du heute etwas Schoenes vor?

    Reply
  19. Sue Tobias
    Sue Tobias says:

    Dearest Lokita- yes, life is not linear- that’s a great expression! Often something will remind me of you and Steve and tears will well up – at first I feel contracted and then I feel expansive with love and appreciation for your friendship and love and wonderful teachings.

    HO!! Love, Sue

    Reply
  20. Yolanda Rangel
    Yolanda Rangel says:

    Lokita, I pray for you and for you continued healing. Closure? I agree, the heart is always open and never closes to love and precious memories. You just keep taking care of yourself and leave closure to others. May the light of spirit continue to drive you forward on your brave journey.

    Yolanda

    Reply
  21. marcia brenta
    marcia brenta says:

    aryay and i continue to grieve for Steve and you. we read your blog and recent newspaper article and so much of the time I am certain it has to be a bad dream…I can’t fathom how horrific this process is..yet you are impressive, heroic, beautiful and vibrant. I am blessed to be able to read your feelings and process. Thanks for sharing your heart. We are with you in daily spiritual retreat and sentiment. Patienza as my father would whisper in my ear as a young girl., with much love to you Lokita…

    Reply
  22. Dhiraj
    Dhiraj says:

    Dear Lokita,

    The photo of you and Coco on the beach – such poetry, such yearning! You are right, ‘closure’ is Western society’s way of trying to hide from death. But you are alive and doing fantastic things. May you burst open into new dimensions! With love and admiration.

    Reply
  23. Tandy
    Tandy says:

    Lokita,

    You amaze me on a daily basis. I learn and heal with every post. You are a strong and brilliant woman. Thank you for your shares, thank you for you.

    Reply

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