I live in a very remote area. Currently there is no infection with SARS-CoV-2 recorded here. Seeing how fast it spreads worldwide, it makes sense to me to take precautions. For myself, because I am perhaps somewhat more vulnerable due to the cancer I went through. For those close to me, because I feel a sense of responsibility for others, also. Although here it is only an official recommendation rather than a regulation at this point, I am staying put at home, for an extended period of time, to not endanger anyone via my need to be with others, to go out and seek external entertainment. In some way I feel accountable to everyone. My mind and my heart tell me that staying at home is the right thing to do for everyone.

And while our normal way of life dissolves, there is a lot of information out there. In my social media feeds I get links to videos, interviews and articles that inform me that the Covid-19 situation is totally humbug, that it is a conspiracy by politicians who want more power, by corporations who want to profit from future vaccines or treatments, by media conglomerates who want more subscribers, by certain people who want to take our attention away from whatever is really going on, et cetera. Experts with impressive credentials share their insights, and their opinions about why theirs is the truth.

On the other side of the spectrum there is everything the media present to us. First China. Then Italy. Then Spain, Germany and France. Now the US. California. New York. The whole world. Large numbers of dead that cannot be accommodated in crematoria or graveyards. Serious warnings, and in places regulations, to stay home, to practice social distancing, to self-isolate, to quarantine. To help flatten the curve of new infections. Overflowing hospitals at the limit of their capacities. No idea when it will subside.

Whether this is a conspiracy or not, for me that is beside the point. Even if it was a conspiracy, and all those arrangements that are made worldwide were over the top fear mongering, it would not matter. We have no control. The fact is that there is a virus on the loose and we do not know for sure how to handle it. In this case I err on the side of caution.

Somebody told me that he is very disappointed that I, too, am buying into “this crazy hype” by choosing to stay at home by myself instead of socializing and carrying on with normal life. I was stunned. I get it that some people are cynical about what is going on in the world relative to this virus, and that they do not care about what the governments and medical experts suggest or prescribe. I appreciate that they are responsible for their actions, however motivated, and their decisions not to follow rules or recommendations, just as I am responsible for mine. I accept them because that is who they are. And I stay away from them.

With uncertainty looming large, underlying issues are coming up to the surface that can influence interactions with others. Solid relationships are suddenly challenged, old fights are being resurrected, miscommunications are happening everywhere. Long-held frustrations expose themselves, and anger and fear lead people to be unkind and harsh towards those they profess to love.

As we navigate through these uncertain days, weeks and perhaps months I believe it is crucial to be responsible not just for our physical health and that of our fellow humans, but also to cultivate inner peace, clarity and calm. If there is frustration about our life, it is bound to raise its head in the face of this helplessness and loss of control. In moments like these we are confronted with the fact that we are fragile beings, living inside mortal bodies. Our time on this planet is limited. Everything can change in a moment. We cannot rely on anything. Yes, I know; I know this for sure.

Now all of us have the opportunity to be truthful with ourselves. If dissatisfaction, anger or other issues arise in you, I encourage you to be with them, patiently, examine them, and talk about them with your loved ones and friends. If you find yourself disconnected from and arguing with your partner or others close to you or blaming them for your feelings and general life situation, take some time out to collect yourself. Recognize and remind yourself that they are not responsible for any of it.

Give yourself the space to investigate gently if what you are doing in your life is what you want to be doing. Find out if you really want to live the way you do, with the people you are with, your work, everything. We can adjust and make changes; we can celebrate, accept and love our life as it is, too.

Above all, let us cultivate awareness of how we handle ourselves, particularly in this global crisis! I am certain that we all share the same wish – to come out of this shared situation stronger, and together. Let us practice respect with our actions, take responsibility for ourselves and our life, and move beyond our individual ego into commonality and love. ♥

“The fact is that “responsibility”, the very word, has to be broken into two words. It means “response ability”. And response is possible only if you are spontaneous, here and now. Response means that your attention, your awareness, your consciousness, is totally here and now, in the present. So whatever happens, you respond with your whole being. It is not a question of being in tune with somebody else, some holy scripture, or some holy idiot. It simply means to be in tune with the present moment. This ability to respond is responsibility.”

~Gratefully excerpted © Osho, Sat-Chit-Anand: Truth-Consciousness-Bliss, Talk #20

Two months have passed since my last blog post. Nothing wanted to be written or shared; surprisingly so, as I love writing and it has been a therapeutic tool for me all my life. With no idea what to do about it, I trusted the process, and one day the past years revealed themselves to me as three very distinct phases.

The first phase was Trauma, the Great Dissolution: Illness, loss, murder, surgeries, chemotherapy, court. Even the tribute I held for Steve in December 2016 was part of that phase – looking so skinny and still shaky on my legs after the knee replacement surgery, standing in front of some 350 people with my doghter Coco next to me, facing all of you who loved Steve, and love me.

The Trauma phase was a long numb dark thick time period. My brain has blacked out many of the details; that time period is “just there” as something I know that happened, a bygone time span. Wiped out. Occasionally tiny fragments come back – of feelings, or colors, sounds, words, or smells. Friends remind me of a call I made to them back then, or a moment we shared, or feelings I communicated to them. Or they comment how I looked then, how much better I am now. My sister recently sent me some photos of us together six weeks after Steve was killed – me with my bald head due to chemo, my gaunt face in a big, wide smile. Can you imagine, I actually smiled during that time!

Eventually began the second phase – Healing. Some 120 psychotherapy sessions, meditation, taking refuge in my shell, bodywork, catharsis, and yes, anti-anxiety medication. For a long time. Learning not to feel bad about taking those little pills to help me sleeping. Me, who does not take any recreational drugs ever, resorting to anti-anxiety medication! (For the record, CBD products do not work for me.) Until an acquaintance told me lovingly that during times of intense trauma, these things are actually our friends. He had lost his wife to cancer, their 7-year old son was kidnapped, brutally raped and murdered. I trusted him, accepted my use and eventually it fell away.

Learning how to relate to the world with a story as heavy and intense as mine. Do I tell the story or do I not? Who am I? Learning to live by myself again after 17 years of loving partnership. Re-learning the simplest things in life – food shopping for one, doing laundry for one, cooking for one, repairing things alone, taking care of Coco alone. Re-establishing the balance between knowing that I can die any moment, and living every day as if it was the beginning of my life. Forging new friendships, deepening others and letting go of those that were no longer real. Reconnecting with old beloved friends who I had lost touch with when I met Steve in 1998 and moved from Australia to California.

At the tail end of this phase, I met a man who gently and lovingly reintroduced me to intimate connection. Apart from the physical intimacy, those few weeks with him were a small miracle for me – I could actually like another man! While our relationship did not develop into anything longer-term, it was an altogether very healing experience.

Without being consciously aware of it, I dedicated a lot of time to heal, to continue living, to share love with those closest to me, to cherish every moment that the divine mystery gifted to me, and I began and very much enjoy teaching again, moving forward on this tantric journey that is my life and sharing it with others. And yet — underneath it all there was something left, a blurred, dense, weighty cloud of grief and pain that would not go away. I could not reach it. So I just left it there.

Then came the grand finale of the Healing phase which I did not recognize as such until a few days ago.

I was offered a session on a new friend’s sound bed (German: Klangliege); a peculiar wooden massage-table-like contraption with strings attached to the bottom side which are played intuitively by the therapist. He closed the curtains, lit a few candles, I lied down, he covered me with a weighted fleece (“therapy”) blanket, and the journey began. As he played the strings, throbbing sensations entered my body, directly. With the heavy blanket on top of me, in the almost dark room feeling the resonance of the strings was a very subtle experience. The sounds floated all around me to hear, and their vibrations touched what felt like the very base energetic, cellular level right in the center of my body, the place that cannot be touched with actual touch or words, or even emotions; a very fine, fluid layer that I did not even know existed.

Tears flowed out of my eyes; their streams merging with the vibrations of the strings, loosening and releasing those last, deepest most remnants of the trauma I had been carrying; feeling enveloped in love and held by the sounds, by the therapist, by life at large. I left the session with a wet face, still crying as I wandered the city streets, relieved and lighthearted. That night I slept so good!

Since then I had not felt moved to write, to contemplate, to reflect or to inquire. Any efforting stopped then and there. I have been simply here. Nowhere to go, nothing to do. Enjoying the lightness, the freshness and the breezes of loving life. Still, I wondered why I wasn’t writing. What happened?

Then I finally got it; an aha moment: the sound session marked the end of the Healing phase, and thus started the third phase – Integration.

First, the Trauma. Then, the Healing. Now, the Integration. Taking the crazy experiences and intense feelings of the past and the powerful healing on all levels, and weaving them all together – integrating them – into the fabric that is my life, from first breath to last breath, in this one body. Mysteriously everything turned out ok, and it all fits together now, inexplicably and incredibly so.

Like my mastectomy scar: it stretches from below my left armpit all the way across to my sternum, where there once was a beautiful but life-threatening breast. At first the scar was raw, red, knobby and horrible. Then it healed, grew softer, its color adjusted as I slowly let the gentle rays of early morning sun shine on it. Finally, it morphed into being a natural part of my smooth nipple-less chest, almost like a young boy’s, firm and muscular with the faintest line on the skin, next to my other breast. Perfect somehow, exactly the way it is.

Remember one basic law: anything that is complete drops, because then there is no meaning in carrying it; anything that is incomplete clings, it waits for its completion. And this existence is really always after completion. The whole existence has a basic tendency to complete everything.

[…] Move slowly, so everything is completed. Your mountain will become smaller and smaller – the load is the mountain. And the smaller it becomes, the freer you will feel. A certain quality of freedom will come to you, and a freshness, and inside you will feel you have touched a source of life. […] You will become more sensitive, vulnerable, open. If you have come to terms with the past suddenly you will be here and now in the present, because then there is no need to move again and again.”

~Osho, gratefully excerpted from And the Flowers Showered ©