Third Time Lucky?
Beloved Friends, it’s been quiet here for a while for good reason, and here’s the update on what’s been happening in my life.
To begin with, my doghter Coco’s death in July last year affected me more deeply than I could’ve ever imagined possible. It took me months to get over just the acute grief—the pain, the loneliness, the loss of my finest friend, the loss of my routine and purpose. Nobody to snuggle with, to talk to, to play with, to sit on the sofa with. And she was the last physical link to Steve.
I faithfully went to immunotherapy infusions every month and finally in late November traveled home to Costa Rica. Having been away for 19 months, I was looking forward to the warmth, hanging out in paradise and seeing friends. Soothing my nerves after many months of cancer treatment and emotional upheavals. But this is not what awaited me!
There was an incredible amount of work to be done on the property. Painting inside and outside the buildings and retaining walls, pruning, cleaning, repairing, digging, resolving, sorting. I completely forgot that I was tired and exhausted and did everything like no cancer or immunotherapy existed in my life. I worked and worked and worked, also clearing out the bodegas and all the closets, sorting things, lightening the load.
There was the entire household of my life with Steve. Things from my life before and after Steve. Painful. So many tears. I gave away 18 large bags of belongings, but stayed attached to old photos from my childhood, teenage years, everything before the digital age. My journals from ages 12-21, Steve’s favorite Guatemalan T-shirt and his turquoise lotus silk shirt we bought in Hawaii when we had just met, Coco’s beloved owl toy and her collar. The wedding veil my mother had embroidered with pearls. All that will have to wait until I don’t know when, and I don’t care.
In the three months I was in Montezuma, I went to the beach a total of five times. It was almost unbearable to be there without Coco. On December 24th I managed to gather my strength and resolve, and released her ashes into the sea at Playa Grande where Steve melted into the waves 10 years earlier. I cried and howled. Coco’s physical absence was everywhere. In the house, in the car, the garden, underneath the shrubs, in the pool, by my side, in her bed next to me—nothing was the same without her. And Steve, always nearby, even though he has been gone for many years.
In early March I returned to Germany. I had committed to continue the immunotherapy, and still yearned for that deep rest, now even more so. The ease of being in my little rental apartment on the island of Sylt would be perfect! Or so I thought.
Two weeks after I got back, barely through jet lag, on March 25th I received devastating news: the cancer had returned, five metastatic tumors could be seen on the CT images, in lymph nodes near the aorta.
Oh, the despair and the shock!
On April 21st I underwent another surgery, spent a week in hospital, and started radiation a few weeks after that. To date I have completed 12 of 28 treatments. Side effects have been minimal so far, nothing but fatigue and the occasional digestive challenge. I’m optimistic that “third time lucky” applies, and the cancer will be gone for good.
Radiation is given five days a week, in a clinic about two hours away (each way) from the island where I live. Therefore, for those six treatment weeks I’m staying at a vacation apartment by the Baltic Sea near the Danish border, a short drive to the clinic. My sister and her family are nearby, friends are visiting from Sylt, and even from as far away as Australia and New Zealand. I feel blessed, grateful and so loved! And am finally getting a good rest.
Who knows where life will take me. All I can do now—and indeed ever—is accept, accept and again accept. Letting go, relaxing into what is. Making informed decisions, appreciating beauty and nature around me, the birdsong and trees, and more than anything giving and receiving love, sharing moments of this precious life with others.
I have been contemplating, and in fact preparing for, the certainty of death, my death. Who knows when it will come. The fact that I’ve had cancer not once, not twice, but three times doesn’t mean I’ll die before someone who isn’t sick. So I’m oddly relaxed and peaceful about it now. It will happen when it happens. There is no control, anyway.
Death is predictable and unpredictable at the same time.
All my ducks are in a row, as much as they can be. In the meantime, I am dancing, filled with joy, and feeling vibrantly alive.
“When you cry and weep, when you are miserable, you are alone. When you celebrate, the whole existence participates with you. In celebration do we meet the ultimate, the eternal. Only in celebration do we go beyond the circle of birth and death.”
~Osho, joyfully excerpted from I Celebrate Myself: God Is No Where, Life Is Now Here
Hi…
We think of you often and our trip to Coasta Rica..You and Steve had such an impact on Bill and I…I wish I had words that would provide comfort 😢
Just know in your heart you come into my mind often and when you do I send healing energy to you…xoxox
Thank you 😍
I was just thinking of you recently and wondering about your blog and this morning here you are. Still teaching me, still there is a beautiful lesson. I recently moved and had to immensely downsize into a 5th wheel. I opened a box yesterday and there you were, Steve too. Just two workshops. But you both left such a huge imprint on me.
I’m currently awaiting a bone marrow biopsy after a diagnosis. So your words have a deep impact. Accept, rest, connect.
You have touched so many and your words continue to reach out.
Thank you. Deeply.
With Love,
Willow
(Formerly Michelle Bellamy)
Thank you, Willow ❤️ Sending lots of love to you and my very best wishes. 🪷
Dear Lokita. Scott and I celebrated Tantra twice with you and Steve, and after Steve passed, again with you, at Omega. Our lives are enriched because of you! We send you our deep gratitude, along with lots of light and love!
I remember you two very well 🌸 thank you for your love 💕
My dearest Lokita,
My hubby Phil and I attended a tantric workshop with you in February 2020. We have looked forward to coming back to you and beautiful Costa Rica ever since. With the pandemic and all the health challenges you have faced and are still facing this reunion has not been possible. I cry as I read your words because I know how attached to Coco you are and we fell in love with her too. She truly was a very special pup who embodied the sweetest most gentle soul. And then to receive news that you have cancer yet again. The fact that you continue to spread love and light to those around you in the midst of such challenges is absolutely awe inspiring. We loved you from the moment we met you and we will always send you love and light. Looking forward to when we meet again and you are finally free! We know it will happen!
Sending you all the love and healing in the world,
Phil and Tami (Princess Sofia)
Oh Tami, how lovely, I also so look forward to seeing you both (four) again! ❤️ So enjoyed our time together.
Dearest Lokita
I am sending you big hugs and much love ❤️
You are amazing
Karin ingvardsen
🫶
🪷 Mange tak
Liebe Lokita, ich hatte mir schon gedacht, dass du durch eine tiefe Kriese/ Wandlung gehst. Dein treuer Gefährte Coco ist nicht mehr bei dir. Dieser Verlust erscheint doch so als würde Steve nocheinmal sterben. So erscheint es mir. Und der Krebs tritt wieder in Erscheinung und fordert dich auf Neue herraus. Ich bin froh, dass du geringe Nebenwirkungen hast. Auch ich werde bald auf Amrum, meiner Lieblinginsel verweilen. Ich bleibe bis zum Ende des Jahres. Das ist jedenfalls der Plan. Aber du weißt ja selber wie das so ist mit unseren Vorstellungen. Ich wünsche dir Frieden und Freude und ein liebevolles Dasein
Hi Lokita, I think of you all the time, and I am sending prayers and good vibes for your continued healing.
You and Steve were Paramount, and still are in my life, setting me on an incredible trajectory of providing intimacy for pregnant couples, my continued massage, therapy, practice, and welcoming Births .
Please did you ever be back in the bay area? Let’s get together for a delicious lunch.
Thank you for the love, dear Mari, and when I’m in the area I will reach out to you. 🫶
Lokita, I keep You and the memories of Steve and Coco close to my heart. You are an inspiration warrior woman! Hugs from afar…XXX Arry
Love always to you Lokita, best Katharine
Dear Lokita, sending sweet healing love to you beautiful soul.
Oh, Lokita……
My heart is with you. While your home in Costa Rica felt like such a warm, safe sanctuary to us, I can only imagine the pain you experienced being back there, having to go through everything. It’s never easy to categorize someone’s life into just “things” as they are always pieces of a memory.
I’m so very sorry your cancer has returned. You have been through so much, and it’s not fair that you always have to fight so hard. While death is inevitable and painful for those who love you, I hope that you have some relief at knowing you will see Steve and Coco again.
Please accept my deepest blessings for your comfort.
Love, Stephanie
Oh slutfish Lolita,
You taught me how to be present, the best you could anyway with my male brain that never seems to shut off. I don’t like to think about the good ole days but damn we sure had some! I’m finding with age comes goodbye to a lot of people that made my life nicer. You and Steve are my family and I miss you both daily, glad you’re fighting off cancer still! Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me because I miss my pets more than people. Feeling the grief of all the losses reminds me how fortunate I am to share love with you guys and many others and furry friends as well. Coco was a great dog and such an example of passion for living, even after trauma. I hope the rainbow bridge is real! Sending good energy your way. Thanks for gracing my life!
Aloha Dear Lokita!
excuse me for responding to Steve here …. I will be writing to you soon. Hugs! <3
Aloha Honey-do!
I was so happy to see that you're here. I remember all the help you gave me at Harbin so gratefully! And of course your ready smile & Fun laughter & wonderful teaching. Sending You a BIG hug & Lots of Love <3
🫶
I love you and miss you, Shivastevachakratease ❤️
Dear Lokita,
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. We remember taking a couplr of classes with you & Steve. I embrace your “third time is a charm” wish. Lokits, you are filled with light and lessons for us all…
💕 thinking about you often
Lokita I know you won’t remember me but my ex and I did a workshop with you and Steve at Harbin in around 2009. Such an amazing experience. I used to live in Woodacre and was living there, so close to White’s Hill, where Steve was murdered. It was absolutely unbelievable. You are unbelievable. The life you had with Steve always blew me away. The workshops and the love you had for each other. I admired you both so much. Then to go through what you have, beginning with Steve’s death and your cancer and then the loss of Coco. The fact that you still have such a positive, loving soul and outlook is an inspiration to me. I was just wondering about you a few weeks ago and now your blog appeared. Know that there are many people that you either don’t know or remember and how much you have affected their lives, like me. Love always.
Lokita, you don’t remember me but my ex-husband and I did a workshop with you and Steve at Harbin around 2009. It was a very powerful experience for me and I will never forget the affect it has had on me. I was living in Woodacre at the time, near White’s Hill, where Steve was murdered. I remember how unbelievable it was. How could this happen in beautiful, serene Marin? The entire community was devastated.
Before this horrific event happened, I always remembered the love you and Steve shone each other and how much I wished that I had that connection with my then husband. I always dreamed of the life you had together. These memories of you two stay with me and yet the unimaginable loss you went through and your recurring cancer and then the almost unbearable loss of Coco, your last remaining living connection to Steve, leaves a void that defies description.
And now, the fact that you continue to share with us all, even after all that you have been through, is a testament to your limitless spirit and soulfulness. You are a truly remarkable human being and a true inspiration to me. Not only me, but to all the people you either don’t know or even remember…that is me.
🙏 Thank you, my heart is touched by your comment. After all my mission has always been to make the world a better place, one person at a time… ❤️
Hi Lokita – listening and sending love. Thank you for your boundless expression of courage, bravery and vulnerability across many years as a teacher and as a survivor. It is a gift to everyone in your presence.
Sending you lots of love and gratitude for all you brought to my (and Steve’s) life and our teaching. Sending love, always! ❤️
Lokita,
You look amazing girl. Wow, when you posted last with CoCo in the title, my heart just sank. Like you said what the two of you went through together and her being the last piece of Steve hurts way over here in the Valley of West Marin. The loneliness of losing a dog is unbearable, but her I can’t imagine. You show so much resolve and strength I can only learn from you. Fuck cancer is all I can say about that. You have been through so much and yet your outlook is inspiring. That smile when I opened your post made my day. So I send blessings, love and healing your way.
Tandy
🙏🫶
Dearest Lokita
My time spent with you and Steve at Harbin have made permanent and beautiful marks on my soul. I am sending so much love and energy for your healing. Blessings always to you ♥️ Roxanne
❤️ Thank you, Roxanne, and I still have the little bee you gave me (and which Coco made hers) 🐝
Lokita — I’m so sorry to hear of this ill fortune, and I’m inspired by your attitude. You’ll be in my prayers.
🪷 Sending love, dear Judy.
I Love you, Lokita. I’m so sorry that the cancer has returned & that you have to go through that yet again. I wept reading your account of how insanely Difficult it is to go on without your dog/life partner, & I empathize deeply. I still talk to my Scuba every day, & have never been more alone but am so Grateful for our Big Love we had for nearly 16 years. You & Steve had a Big, Juicy Love that you shared with all of us, & I’m so Grateful to have studied with & met you two. I haven’t seen you since I visited Costa Rica in Dec. of 2009 or 10 but I think of you, Coco, & Steve with Great Love & Appreciation. Thank you for continuing to share your story. Love from Maui, Julie
🙌❤️🙌
Thank you for sharing. I weep. You and Coco are forever in my heart. An incredible story yet without end! Oceans of love, prayers, peace and light to Lokita, Steve and Coco.
🪷 Thank you so much
Dearest Lokita, I knew Steve before you were both married and admired your love for each other so much. You have endured so much, I feel you and weep. I pray that you fully heal completely. May you find the comfort with the people who love you. I want grace and ease to become your closest friend. Somehow I want for you to transform all of these challenges into that which feeds your soul and nourishes you on the deepest of levels. You are love and you are loved. May the divine envelop you in light, vibrant health and the deepest of comfort. Sending you blessings and love, Giorgio
🫶
My heart is with you, Dear Lokita as you courageously move through yet one more challenge, I admire your capacity to keep on loving in your unique way and staying in the flow of Life. Lots of love to you! Diane
Thank you, dear Diane, the Water Goddess 🪷
Dearest Lokita – thank you for sharing your continued journey of acceptance and celebration. Your words and your life are an inspiration to me and I’m sure everyone who knows and loves you.
I feel so much love and gratitude for you, Lokita!
And may this third time definitely free you of cancer!
Much love, Sue
🙏🏻 thank you, dearest Sue, I hope that you are well and happy ❤️
So good to hear from you again. It has been awhile. I’m sorry to hear that the cancer came back. But, I KNOW without any doubt, that you will persevere and WILL BE CANCER FREE soon. As always, I find great strength in reading your blog. The challenges you face and how YOU decide to move through and with the experiences, continue to inspire ME. Thank you, dear Lokita. You divine, warrior priestess of the heart. You got this! Sending my prayers, my love and my hopes for you and your recovery. BLESSINGS.