My Mission & Vision

Recently I had dinner with some friends. Eventually, the conversation turned to how things were going with my book. In the past few weeks, they hadn’t seen me much or heard from me. I updated them about my progress. In response, one of them suggested that, well, if not many people bought the book, at least I wrote it for myself to relive the experiences, the trauma and finally achieve closure.

I replied that my blog had been an incredible help for me on that level, to process and metabolize the events as they happened. Creating the book actually didn’t feel like I was reliving the traumatic experiences. It was, rather, the retelling of an intense tale with the natural distance of time gone by.

The Mission

From the start, my mission for creating this book has been to share the story of a woman whose life was perfect, who had a spiritual practice, who ate right, who enjoyed a healthy, loving marriage and love life, who earned her income through right livelihood, and whose motivation for her work was to make the world a better place. All was well in the realm of Lokita and Steve. Until one day, it was not.

Imagine yourself living a happy, fulfilled life, and out of the blue, everything gets ripped apart. Maybe someone you love dies suddenly, maybe you get a divorce, maybe you or a loved one get seriously ill, maybe your beloved pet passes away, maybe you have an existential crisis and it doesn’t seem that life is livable any longer. Maybe you’re depressed by the state of the world, the wars, the constant violent images flitting by your gaze in a loop on your television, your computer screen, your phone and whatever other gadgets you have.

You are bereft, uninspired, completely lost, desperate, fearful and anxious, lonely, without hope, and life has no meaning and focus other than your current situation.

You come across this book by a woman who has gone through unimaginable hardship. Who shares her tale with intensity, honesty, authenticity and love, and how she managed to transform so that the book ends on an upbeat note. And you, the reader, know that the woman is still alive today, nine years later, wrote the book and is writing this for you right now. Such a book is inspiring. Such a book gives you the strength and courage to continue.

During the course of radiation therapy, my radiology oncologist, Dr. Melanie, recommended a memoir by Joan Didion, My Year of Magical Thinking. The author’s husband died suddenly on Christmas Day as their daughter lay critically ill in ICU. It explores loss, grief and the complexities of mourning and was immensely confronting for me. Steve’s murder was only a few months behind me, yet it remained vividly present in every moment. The book ripped me open and spoke directly to my heart. I felt supported and part of the author’s feeling world. My story was still heartbreaking, yet I was no longer alone.

I hope my book will evoke that feeling in others: the feeling that they are not alone, that we are all in this life together, that we can rise above circumstances, and reclaim a sense of joy, peace, and profound acceptance. This, in turn, can infuse our lives with a new quality as we move forward.

Another book that deeply inspired me was When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. In this book, the author, a successful young neurosurgeon, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. He shares how deeply the cancer affected his relationship with his patients and his work, and his way to be with the inevitable—death. He was asked by life to look at his own capacity for empathy, a process which I understood to have been very humbling for him. In the end, he died before the manuscript was completed, and his wife helped bring it to life posthumously.

His book filled me up with a sense that, in some way, everything is okay, even death. My death. Steve’s death. Coco’s death. Death. Period.

While I could never hope to have written a book as groundbreaking and beautiful as theirs, my wish is that my story will open its readers’ hearts, that they will feel supported and can touch into their own resilience and strength. I’m hoping that they will have AHA moments, just like many of our workshop participants did, those AHA realizations that we experience when we suddenly understand or solve a problem. These are the briefest moments of clarity or enlightenment, mental light bulbs that illuminate our way forward in our situation, whatever it may be. I wish for my readers a deeply profound, satisfying and perhaps even transformational reading experience.

In all, my book stems from a place of love: love for each one of us who is experiencing life, its challenges and celebrations, each in our unique way. Love for humanity, for we are all the same in many ways. Love for life because of the great mystery that made us all be alive in this very moment.

This is the mission for the book. And I wanted to tell the story in a contained, compact form— with a beginning, a middle and an end. Of course, the story never ends, and I will keep my readers informed here on my blog. There are some interesting facts that I will write about, for example, about the ongoing prosecution and court drama of those who killed Steve. Watch this space for more!

The Vision

Oh, and I also have a vision for the book. The mission is the motivation. The vision for me is more of a longer-term goal. My vision is that someone— it needs just one person—will read the book or hear about it and inspiration will strike them to make a movie about it.

I imagine it as the story of a heroine, of homecoming, of overcoming the greatest obstacles. Questions—like gun violence, cancer, compassion, empathy, illness, grief—all that will be addressed in one movie, and people will leave the movie theater or turn off their gadgets after watching this movie with a renewed sense of the preciousness of life, also with sadness, but overall with the courage to start the new day tomorrow, with a new perspective, and perhaps even with more love. (I imagine I would be played by German actor Sandra Hüller of recent Academy Awards fame, but Steve? Who could possibly embody him?)

I’ve put myself and my precious lifetime wholeheartedly into service of the greater mission and the greater vision of this book. Why else would I sit at the computer in paradise in Costa Rica or my favorite island in Germany and spend several years creating something if I wasn’t in service of the divine that manifests missions and visions?

After all, my spiritual name, Deva Lokita, means “in the presence of the divine.” I believe my book is a representation of that, and may you be touched by the presence of the divine as much as I have been touched by it in my life.

PS. Stay tuned! The Story of My Book: Part 3, about my audiobook adventure, is coming soon. ♥

“You become more divine as you become more creative. All the religions of the world have said God is the creator. I don’t know whether he is the creator or not, but one thing I know: the more creative you become, the more godly you become. When your creativity comes to a climax, when your whole life becomes creative, you live in God. So, he must be the creator because people who have been creative have been closest to him. Love what you do. Be meditative while you are doing it – whatsoever it is.”

© Osho, gratefully excerpted from The Book of Understanding: Creating Your Own Path to Freedom

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The Story of My Book: Part 2

In case you missed it, The Story of My Book: Part 1 tells about my adventure of bringing the memoir to life, from the early stages of writing to polishing the final manuscript. I tentatively dipped my toes into traditional publishing waters before deciding to take the self-publishing plunge. It was the start of a whole new learning journey for me. Read Part 1 here.

For a while, I basked in the constructive, encouraging, and positive feedback from friends who had read my manuscript. They reported feeling enriched, touched, and inspired, eager to know when the book would be ready to share with others who needed hope and courage.

To embark on the self-publishing journey, I delved into countless websites that explained the process and explored platforms where my book could be sold, printed, and marketed. It seemed like an uphill climb, with much to learn just to get started.

Despite once considering myself a computer expert and quick learner, I hadn’t kept up with new technology developments over the past nine years, especially regarding the Internet and social media. Quite quickly, my head was spinning, and there were the familiar tell-tale signs of stress. Doubts crept in. Maybe my book is just for me, after all, my mind shouted. Maybe I wrote it for myself and for my close circle.

After a 30-minute consultation with Lois, a knowledgeable specialist, I hired her to assist with the technical aspects of self-publishing. Her expertise and enthusiasm took a weight off my shoulders.

For our collaboration, she needed to understand my mission for the book. I told her about my passionate desire to reach as many people as possible, offering hope, confidence, inspiration, and new perspectives through its story. Some may be deep in the ocean of grief, others grappling with cancer or other life-threatening illness. Then there are the victims of violent crime and those whose loved ones were taken from them by sudden death. My book touches on so many universal themes. And it is also a great love story.

One of the initial tasks Lois and I tackled together was designing the book’s interior. Converting the Word document into a publishable manuscript suddenly required me to step back from the narrative and approach it with a rational mindset. Questions flooded my mind: What dimensions should the book have? Which font would best suit the content? What size should the font be? How should the chapter headings be styled? Then came the tasks of crafting the copyright page, acknowledgments, and an author biography.

As I integrated all these elements into the text, I found myself repeatedly returning to the PDF document, struck with a mix of humility and awe at life and at my achievement. The power of my resilience held me through Steve’s murder, the intense loss of my beloved. It carried me beyond the cancer that could have taken my life, too. And I still managed to create a book so that others might be reminded of their own power and courage. Anything is possible. We are stronger than we realize!

With my memoir undeniably taking shape now, I felt myself nearing the climax of the self-publishing process. Or so I thought.

Since my teenage years, I have fancied myself being a writer, and in my head, I have written numerous books, got many actual outlines ready, and countless book titles are awaiting being matched up with my content.

But now I was stymied: what could possibly be the title for this book? For quite a while, its working title was The Courage to Live. I even had a trilogy ready in my mind: The Courage to Love was going to be about my understanding and our teaching of Tantra, and The Courage to Be Different about my spiritual journey. But my beta readers didn’t like the name. Then my friend Margot Anand proposed to call it Resurrection. Too many religious connotations were triggered in me to use that as a title. And then it was going to be called, I Am Not My Story, and at another time, Somehow, Life Continued…

None of my working titles made the cut. As my frustration and sense of helplessness grew, the situation didn’t improve. With time ticking away and the manuscript ready, I faced what seemed like writer’s block, desperately grasping for suitable, catchy titles.

Brainstorming session after brainstorming session led nowhere until eventually Reaching for Sunrise emerged. At first, I didn’t like the word “reaching” because I hadn’t exactly been reaching for sunrise. Sunrise just happened by itself, as sunrises do, without me reaching for it. Yet it sounded positive, like a new day, a new time was beginning, and it emanated a sense of hope and future.

The word “sunrise” in my story’s context has another powerful connotation—Steve was shot dead on Gunshot Fire Road. Yes, that really was the name of the trail where my beloved lost his life. Friends from the Marin County community took it upon themselves to petition that the name be changed. Finally, six months after the horrible events that happened there, Gunshot Fire Road was officially renamed Sunrise Fire Road. Thank you again, dear Wendy, for spearheading this process!

The more time passed, the more the title grew on me—three simple words, one strong message. I like that. But it wasn’t descriptive enough. The subtitle, “A Widow’s Memoir,” was added. Right on the front cover of the book, it would tell the potential reader that this is the memoir of a widow who is reaching for sunrise. That was pretty good, but somehow still not enough.

We floated the idea of adding a sub-subtitle, “Behind the High-Profile Murder of Steve Carter.” This sub-subtitle would provide even more information: not only is this the memoir of a widow, but it is also a true crime story about Steve’s high-profile murder. Which it was: high-profile. Back then, it was all over the press, all over the Internet, and on all the TV stations. When his murderers were sentenced, it continued, and even now, almost nine years later, I still get invitations for interviews and articles from the media. Ultimately, it was mainly for marketing reasons that I overcame my resistance to mentioning the murder in the book title.

The title plays such a crucial role in determining the success of a book! When I talk about success here, I’m referring not only to commercial success but also to the fulfillment of my mission. It has to grab the attention of potential readers and spark their curiosity, interest, and imagination and promise a captivating, fulfilling, and emotional reading experience.

After spending a few days reflecting on it, doing some online research, and bouncing the new title idea off friends and associates, I became confident that Reaching for Sunrise: A Widow’s Memoir was the right choice. The search for the title was over. Inner peace and calm returned.

Reaching for Sunrise was already so much more tangible than referring to my project as “my book”! I began introducing its title to my greater social circle. Janna was the first to get excited. She said she’d love to read the book but would prefer to listen to it. With that, she inspired me to create an audiobook. And who would be a better narrator of my own story than me?

PS. Stay tuned! The Story of My Book: Part 3, about my audiobook adventure, is coming soon. Your gift: a free sample chapter from Reaching for Sunrise: A Widow’s Memoir. To download it, please fill in the popup form. ♥

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The Story of My Book: Part 1

Last Sunday marked the 25th anniversary of Steve’s and my wedding. Isn’t it incredible how time flies by so fast? And here I am today. A new dawn has risen—I have written a book and would like to share with you how I got here.

In July 2021, amid the pandemic, like many others, I felt lonely, isolated, and adrift, particularly in my professional life. When I confided in a friend about my lack of direction, he encouraged me to take on the challenge of writing a book. This had long been a dream of mine.

In the past when Steve and I were teaching as many as 30 workshops per year, I weighed the economic viability of creating a book against the time investment it would require. But now, with the current slow pace of my life and circumstances, I found myself viewing “the book” from a different perspective. It entered my life as a labor of love—a project that would bring hope, inspiration, and encouragement to many people along their path.

My story suddenly wanted to be told not just in a continuous digital blog but as a tale of love, cancer, murder and re-emergence, complete in itself, and in the form of a real book. Imagine flipping through its pages, breathing in the scent of the ink and feeling the texture of each leaf, while joining the writer on the wild ride of emotions and experienced contained between the book covers!

This is when the reading itself becomes an experience.

The story begins with my life in Australia and meeting Steve during a Watsu (Water Shiatsu) training at Harbin Hot Springs in Northern California in 1998. It tells of our love blossoming, and our evolution together as a couple and Tantra teachers. The narrative takes a dramatic turn as it delves into the events that shattered everything I once knew to be solid: the devastating cancer diagnosis, Steve’s tragic murder at the hands of three young drug-addicted drifters, and the ensuing courtroom drama. The reader then travels with me on my journey of resurrection, as my dear friend Margot Anand put it. The book ends with a sweet ceremony to say final goodbyes to Steve by the sea in 2017.

Interspersed are the teachings and learnings that I received during this time and the important role Tantra has been playing in recovering and strengthening my courage to live with the new circumstances.

The process of creating the book was intense. Initially I had wanted to use my existing blog as the foundation for retelling the story, but in the end, I decided to start afresh. Going back through the events, rivers of tears flowed. I was reconnected to deep grief about the loss of my always so reliable health, the disbelief and shock that my beloved Steve had been shot dead during my chemotherapy treatment, and the dissolution of the life we had created for ourselves. And somehow, I managed to continue with the creation process.

This was much more than re-experiencing, processing and letting go of trauma. I had done a lot of that already in my blog as the events actually unfolded, not to mention the years of psychotherapy with Dr. Matt. There comes a moment in life when the past is no longer merely the past, but the past becomes history. It melts imperceptibly into the annals of our bodily existence. That’s what happened to me while I created the book. The past became history.

When the manuscript reached a presentable state my knees were trembling. It was time for it to be seen.  Acquaintances with connections in the publishing industry offered their help. Several authors in my circle reached out to their publishers, requesting assistance in securing an agent and getting it published. To say that I was nervous about this process is an understatement! I wanted to hide under a blanket and forget about the whole thing. But I couldn’t. The project had taken on its own life already.

On their websites, most literary agents and publishing houses alert aspiring authors that they are open to receiving submissions. They also mention that it may take three to six months to get a response, or that they may not respond at all. Not very encouraging, I thought to myself. What exactly was I expecting? Regardless of the fear and doubt, I rustled up my enthusiasm and confidence, and submitted some 75 book proposals. In all, I received two replies.

The first was from a retired acquisitions editor of a well-known American publishing house. He suggested “more courtroom, less Tantra” and that he would be happy to recommend just the perfect vanity publisher. I still balk at the word “vanity”!

The second response came from a successful former literary agent who commented that the story and writing were great but unsuitable for any publisher as a potentially profitable book. And that’s what publishers are most interested in, after all—return on their investment. I get it.

In time, I had to accept that maybe due to my lack of celebrity status, along with the possibility that my book may not be the pinnacle of literary excellence, and perhaps because it fails to hit the nerve of the “Zeitgeist,” my efforts to find a literary agent and get a publishing contract were fruitless.

What alternatives were there? Neither traditional nor vanity publishing were options. I set myself a deadline. If nothing had happened by September 2023, I would take a different route: self-publishing.

September came and went. Although I felt overwhelmed by the myriad new tasks ahead, I didn’t give up. The commitment I had made to myself was strong—to get my shocking and inspiring story out there into the world, to help others, to give them courage to get through the darkest times. I had invested months and months of my precious life time into this book, I was not going to throw in the towel. This is an important story!

While waiting for elusive responses from agents and publishers, I had gone through several iterations of the manuscript. A developmental editor was very helpful in tightening the storyline and offering suggestions about what to leave out and what to add to make the book more readable and inspiring.

Two developmental edits later, several professional proofreaders searched the writing for typos and grammatical errors with a fine-toothed comb, and eventually, my final manuscript was ready.

It took me just over two years to get to that point.

PS. Stay tuned! The Story of My Book: Part 2 is coming soon, and there will be a special gift for you! ♥

“Each person comes into this world with a specific destiny—he has something to fulfill, some message has to be delivered, some work has to be completed. You are not here accidentally—you are here meaningfully. There is a purpose behind you. The whole intends to do something through you.” ~ © Osho, gratefully excerpted from Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously

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