Chemotherapy: An Update
So far, chemotherapy treatment has been much more tolerable than the one nine years ago. Every three weeks, a kind neighbor takes me to the local hospital—thankfully, only five minutes away. After settling into a comfy recliner, the process begins: my port is hooked up to an IV line, followed by pre-meds—antihistamines, steroids, anti-nausea medication, and who knows what else. Then comes a one-hour infusion of immunotherapy drugs, specifically targeting my P53 gene mutation, followed by four hours of chemotherapy drugs. During this time, I immerse my fingers in ice to prevent neuropathy and the dreaded hand-foot syndrome—so far, successfully.
Throughout the seven-hour ordeal, I listen to Osho discourses, occasionally staggering with my IV stand to the bathroom before wrapping myself up again in my beautiful red yak wool blanket from Bhutan, disappearing into the silences between Osho’s words.
Since starting treatment, I’ve had two tumor marker tests—both showing excellent results. That gives me the energy and encouragement to keep going. Only two more infusions remain, with the final one scheduled for March 5th. After that, immunotherapy will continue for many more months, both intravenously and in pill form.
The side effects are manageable: hair loss, fatigue, lack of energy, digestive challenges, sluggish brain, and burning eyes without eyelashes.
Beyond the side effects, the treatment is confronting in other ways.
My lead oncologist and I repel like opposing magnetic forces. As an experienced cancer patient, I know things and ask questions that new patients might not. This creates challenges for both of us. Even in these extreme circumstances, I must practice detachment and sovereignty. I must accept that I cannot expect compassion and tenderness—no matter how vulnerable I feel. I can only give it.
With her, I’m called to hold myself in a safe space, to stand in my power, and to resist falling into helplessness or victimhood. While empowering, it is also exhausting. Sometimes, I wish a loved one could make decisions for me, shielding and protecting me—my mother, my husband, my sister, my friends… But some journeys must be taken alone.
Friends who aren’t physically with me often ask if I have a good support system. The answer is: Yes, I’m blessed! There is so much love. Since my surgery in October, my friends have brought me lunch every single day. Some drop it off, some eat with me, and some simply sit and watch to make sure I’m actually eating.
One dear friend takes Coco, my 13-year-old doghter, for a walk every morning at 9:15—rain, shine, snow, or storm. I’m surrounded by so much love that my heart overflows and I cry often, with a sweet ache. Giving love is one thing, but allowing myself to receive it day after day after day—humbly and openly, while being so vulnerable—is a profound new experience.
I’ve always been self-reliant. Asking for help has never been easy. After my last chemo infusion, I was so exhausted I couldn’t even undress before bed. I sat on the edge of my bed, immobile, dreading Coco’s nighttime walk, knowing I had no energy left. Finally, I called a neighbor friend who had offered countless times to help if I ever needed it. She was delighted! For three nights in a row, she came at 9 p.m. to take Coco for her walk.
Why is it so hard for me to ask for help? I still have so much to learn.
When I look in the mirror, I see an emaciated, bald, grey, genderless person without eyelashes. My once-beautiful body now looks like that of a cyborg: a fake knee, a fake hip, only one breast, no hair, and a long red scar running from my sternum to my pubic bone. But as I’ve said before: I am not my body.
Living that truth—facing it head-on, not just in theory but in the raw, present moment—is both a challenge and a great blessing of this experience. I hold a deep trust and knowing that “I” am still the same Lokita “I” was before the cancer diagnosis in October. There is something within me that remains untouched, unchanged—an unwavering, mysterious Beingness. ♥️
Love is the most healing force in the world, nothing goes deeper than love. It heals not only the body, not only the mind, but also the soul. […] The physical health is a superficial phenomenon. It can happen through medicine, it can happen through science. But the innermost core of one’s being can be healed only through love. Those who know the secret of love know the greatest secret of life. Then there is no misery for them, no old age, no death.
Of course the body will become old and the body will die but love reveals to you the truth that you are not the body. You are pure consciousness, you have no birth, no death. And to live in that pure consciousness is to live in tune with god. Bliss is a by-product of living in tune with god. ~Osho, gratefully excerpted from The Imprisoned Splendor
Lokita you are always my great teacher and I am so inspired by your grace and fortitude 💜💜💜 I am so glad to be hearing from you as you cross my mind so frequently—often daily—and I’ve been wondering how you are doing and of course meaning to reach out to you. I too continue to grapple with health issues and although they’re not nearly as challenging as yours I often struggle to find the joy and bliss in daily life. Truly love IS the answer and you are my shining example of just that. Much love to you always my dear Lokita ❤️❤️❤️
You are as beautiful as you always have been.
💖 thank you, dear Mike
Lokita,
It’s been 13 years since I did my first Tantra workshop with you and Steve (RIP) at Harbin. You inspired me then and you inspire me so much more now. I appreciate your approach to life, to struggle, to digging deep to find the lessons, to continue to grow and discover new parts of yourself. I did Skydancing LET1 last May. You started me on that path. I’m sending you lots of love from my new home in Asheville and wish you continued strength and positive test results and all the support you need from near and far (and the ability to call it in). You have helped sooooo many people in your life. It’s time to take some for yourself.
Love,
Ellie (Ellen)
Dearest Lokita,
Thank you for your update, and I’m sorry for all the hard parts of what you are going through! Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers . Sending you big hugs and love,Susan
Lokita, ich kann nur deine Schoenheit sehen.
Dear Lokita,
I have shared my favorite quotes from your book with many many people… because you inspired me so much.
Holding you now with Love that unites us.
So good to hear your update, with its positive and upbeat tone. When there are months with no news, I worry and think about what misery you must be going through in chemo. Then, when an update comes, I breathe a sigh of relief that you have once again made lemonade out of your lemons. I love the way you are able to continue teaching, even when you are going through your own challenging times. Your beautiful soul shines through in your writings. Stay positive, as you are almost done with this most recent nightmare, and are still showing us all how to stand up to whatever comes your way.
Oh, Lokita… you have been through so much. More than should be dropped upon one life. In spite of the current physical battering you are enduring, your beautiful divine spirit still shines through. I’m so glad you made a post, because I’d just been wondering how you were doing and meant to email you, but you beat me to it.
Sending you streams of comforting, healing love.
Dearest Lokita, sending you our love and very best wishes for this new challenge. I am so glad you have loving people around you to help and are accepting their help. Big hugs!
Lokita,
I am so moved by this today. I cry thinking of your open heart and acceptance of it all. No. You are NOT your body. That means I am not mine either. Nor is Paul’s his. Thank you for a post I needed. I am so grateful. For you I am grateful.
Sending so much healing love to you, Sweet Lokita <3 You are an inspiration always. Love,
Roxanne
Dear Lokita,
As we travel the world sharing our journey with SkyDancing Tantra, we carry with us the love and guidance that you and Steve so generously offered. It was your warmth and welcoming spirit that helped us find trust, belonging, and community.
You paved the way, and so many have followed. People often ask us, “How is Lokita?”—a reflection of the deep impact you’ve had on so many hearts.
Though we are not with you physically, we are with you in spirit, holding you in love.
With all our love,
Sara & Thomas
Lokita,
How awesome to get this update. You are the strongest woman I know. I ask about you with your friends here in the San Geronimo Valley, but glad to here it from you. Strength, love, and prayers.
Tandy
Thank you for keeping us all informed about your continuing journey. As always, I gleam so much Love and Strength from your writings and receive NEW understandings of what you endure on a daily basis. You continue to amaze and teach me personally through your writings. I am grateful. YOU GOT THIS!
❤️
Thank you for the update, Lokita! Your beautiful spirit shines through and your light inspires me. I appreciate the reminder of our unwavering, mysterious Beingness. I’m heartened that you are surrounded by a loving community and you are willing to ask for help. Love to you.
Bet
I remember 9 years ago so vividly.
You shone brightly then and you do now, sharing honest love with us. Thanks, Lokita!
I “follow” Suleika Jaouad, author, artist, chemo sister and, Jon Batiste’s wife. She’s currently dealing with a recurrence and is shining through, too.
She’s cool, you’d love her, too.
Angels all around you, dearie!
Happy to hear your update. Bosma and I send love and light your way. You’re one strong slutfish and my life is so much better that I met you. And Steve of course. Missing the old days but grateful for them. Only love is real, and I know you know that, the rest fills in around it. Get better soon!
dear Lokita, we are still here. I don’t know why, yet here we are. I attended an embodied touch workshop today using Betty Martin’s “wheel of consent” model. Such a gift to connect with others through this work. Thank you for continuing to share your words and story. love always to you and Coco. xok
Dear Lokita
In the sacred dance of time, our paths intertwined in the year 2000, within the embrace of a timeless loving workshop in Harbin. And again when the warmth of your beautiful Cobb Mountain home welcomed us, adding layers to our journey.
Recently, we embarked on a business trip from our home in Suffolk, UK, to the north of England. During this long return journey we immersed ourselves in the resonance of your voice, listening to the audiobook, Reaching for Sunrise: A Widow’s Memoir. Each word, each inflection, stirred our souls deeply, weaving an emotional tapestry that inspired both myself and my beloved Karen.
The echoes of your story have left a profound impact on our hearts. Since my own diagnosis of advanced prostate cancer in 2019, these years have unfolded like a roller coaster, a symphony of emotions and feelings. Your concluding words in the audiobook, filled with positivity despite the shadows you had faced, resonated powerfully. It felt especially poignant, already knowing you are once again facing cancer.
We find ourselves at a loss for words to convey the depth of emotions we wish to share. Yet, please know, you dwell within our thoughts, eternally cherished.
The memories of our days spent with you and Steve—twenty-five years ago—remain nestled in the corners of my mind, and I have no doubt guided me through the darker stretches of my own cancer journey.
After absorbing nearly eight hours of your soothing voice, your wisdom and sharing in your experiences during our long car ride, we returned home and revisited our time in Northern California. As we gazed at our photographic memories, we discovered a beautiful image of the four of us captured in your enchanting Cobb Mountain retreat. This treasured photograph now adorns our home, framed with love, serving as a beacon of inspiration for life’s journey ahead.
Thank you for your luminous presence and the enduring, positive impact you continue to impart in our lives.
With love always,
Andrew and Karen
Oh, Andrew, your words touch my heart so deeply! I remember you both very well and send you lots of love. How sweet that after so many years we still have such fond and enduring memories together! Sad to hear about the cancer in your life, too, and I hope that it is manageable. Wishing you the very best for your lives. 💕
Jon and I are grateful for you all the sweet times we shared. Etched in my memory are your carefree dance in our workshops with your lithe body, your top down little sport car as you zipped off somewhere after class, your looks of love toward Steve, your attention to every detail during our gatherings. We treasure those days for always as you gave of yourself so fully and joyfully. We go into ur later years with the fondest of memories of you and Steve. My wish is that all be able to merge our spirits and consciousness after this life is over. Blessings. 🥰❤️🥰