I already died
(Man beachte die Vergangenheitsform.) Ja, ich bin an die Wand gefahren, ich bin am Tiefpunkt angekommen. Nein, ich wollte nicht mehr leben. Die dunkle Nacht der Seele, die dunkelste Stunde, Punkt. Die Müdigkeit war total und übermächtig; ich ließ mich von der Müdigkeit leiten. Die nächste Sitzung bei meinem Psychotherapeuten:
Ich weinte mir die Augen aus und sagte ihm immer wieder, dass ich nicht die Kraft, die Macht oder den Willen hätte, weiterzuleben. Dann sprach er mit seiner unendlichen Weisheit und Padmasambhava-ähnlichen Klarheit aus, was mich sofort und vollständig umdrehte:
Du bist bereits gestorben, Lokita.
Das hat mich schneller aus meinen Gefühlen gerissen, als ich die Worte aussprechen konnte. Er sprach die einfache Wahrheit aus: Ich bin bereits gestorben. Selbst die Sicherheit und Zuverlässigkeit meines Körpers gibt es nicht mehr. Unvergänglichkeit und Unvorhersehbarkeit sind sehr, sehr real geworden.
Ich bin bereits gestorben.
Diese Aussage gab mir ein neues Gefühl. Alle Gedanken an den Wunsch zu sterben verschwanden. Der Nebel der Müdigkeit lichtete sich. Ich sah, dass das Leben die Vergangenheit weggewischt hat, wie es das eigentlich immer tut. Übrig bleiben nur die Erinnerungen, deren Nachhall den gegenwärtigen Augenblick prägt. Um es mit den Worten von Jeru Kabbal aus seiner fabelhaften Meditation über den Quantenlichtatem zu sagen: "Die einzelnen Noten sind verschwunden, aber die Melodie schwingt weiter."
Doch was jetzt wirklich ist, ist frisches und unerforschtes Terrain; ganz neue Töne. Begriffe, ja Erfahrungen wie Auferstehung, Wiedergeburt und Wiederaufleben tauchen auf.
Das heutige Leben ist ein Experiment. Es ist nicht mehr dieser Zustand des Seins, der einfach da ist, den ich für selbstverständlich halte. Ich weiß mit Sicherheit, dass das Leben in diesem Körper endlich ist.
Also tue ich jeden Tag etwas, was ich noch nie zuvor getan habe. Ich gehe mit Coco im Dunkeln oder bei strömendem Regen spazieren oder mit meinen Gummistiefeln eine schlammige, palmengesäumte Straße entlang. Auf meiner Auffahrt hin und her fahren, um den frisch reparierten Feldweg zu verdichten, damit die sintflutartigen tropischen Regengüsse ihn nicht wegspülen. Ich erkunde seltsame und geheimnisvoll aussehende Pfade, auf denen ich noch nie zuvor gewesen bin. Barfuß gehen, wo ich normalerweise Sandalen trage. Dinge zu essen, die ich normalerweise nicht essen würde.
Es ist ermächtigend und erhebend. Die Frische, die Präsenz, ja, die Erlaubnis! Es gibt so viel zu erleben und zu lernen, zu erforschen und zu entdecken!
Und vor allem mich selbst. "Du bist bereits gestorben, Lokita", sagte Dr. Matt. Und hier bin ich und atme noch. Wieder und wieder und wieder: Wer bin ich?
Ich werde Sie auf dem Laufenden halten.
PS. Danke, dass ihr meinen Blog lest und kommentiert. Es ist weiterhin eine wichtige Quelle der Unterstützung und des Lichts für mich, zu wissen, dass ich gehalten und geliebt werde, und dass mein Schreiben inspirierend und vielleicht sogar hilfreich für meine Leser ist. Ich sende Liebe und Dankbarkeit. 💖
Ask, "Wer bin ich?", aber geben Sie keine Antwort. Verwenden Sie Ihre ganze Energie darauf, die Frage zu stellen, und sparen Sie nichts davon für die Antwort auf - denn Ihre Antwort hat keinen Wert. Ihre Antwort wird etwas sein, das Sie irgendwo gehört haben, oder die Sprüche einiger Weisen oder aus Ihrer sozialen Konditionierung. Sie wird wie Staub sein, der sich von außen auf Ihnen gesammelt hat: Sie wird keinen Wert haben. Fragt so, als hättet ihr keine Antwort mehr zu geben.
In dem Prozess, in dem Sie die Frage stellen, sollten alle Ihre Antworten weggefallen sein und nur die Frage übrig bleiben. Und an dem Tag, an dem nur noch deine Frage übrig ist, wird deine Frage wie ein Pfeil in dein Innerstes schießen - denn dann gibt es keine Antworten an der Peripherie, die sie aufhalten könnten. Dann wirst du nach innen reisen." ~Osho, Die Stimme der Stille, Kap. 16 (Auszug)
Thank you for sharing your intimate journey with us, Lokita. Your story, in every chapter, shines light on our awareness and how we see our own lives. It gives us courage to keep asking “who am I?” while the landscape of our lifetime continues to change around us. Blessings and love to you and Coco.
Lokita this is one of your most remarkable and touching posts. The idea that you can fully live again almost as a rebirth, Thank you for sharing. What a wise therapist you have.
Wish I was there to share a hug. Love you so much. No words…. what you are going through is unfathomable… Witness only… Love you so much….Christina
Beautifully said. Completely true and vulnerably open.
Thank you.
Lyra
Dear Lokita, your blog posts continue to move and inspire me. I recently picked up Osho’s Body and Mind Balancing book. I’m about to start reading it, partly for inspiration and partly as a resource to support the life coaching work Lynne and I are now doing. Thank you for your ongoing courage and your life-affirming words. I read them all and remember fondly the wonderful time we had with you and Steve. Blessings!
Oh, Lokita! Your journey and your writing move me so deeply, I am in tears with each of your posts. Thank you for sharing your profound experiences with us so honestly and with such poetic articulateness. We only met once for a weekend workshop in NYC but you and Steve and that experience had a deep impact on me which continues to resonate even now. Please know how cherished and held in loving energy you are! Thank you again and all blessings to you! And please give Coco a sweet hello from our Murphy and Jackson!
This post is easily the most touching for me yet. I know what this tiredness is. I, too, came back from the edge in just this way. It’s a good reminder. You are well loved, lady Lokita. Your wisdom is deep, raw, and inspiring; and I am honored to partake. Thank you!
Each and every day you are rebirthing yourself!
So sorry our connection was so bad last time we talked. Let’s try again soon!
Love,
T.
Thank you for sharing, Lokita. I always find something to connect to in your writing. Reading your words I look at my own experience in new ways. It is a gift.
❤️
This is another one I needed. Not because I want to die, but because life is calling me to live in a new way. Take risks. Why not. How not. Lokita, please send keep writing. Your voice is pure and so clear.
Your post is very existential and real. Your therapist woke you up from a dream state and into the moment. I send you my love and please know you’re always in my thoughts and prayers. The court is over, life goes on but your loss is real. Send you love Lokita❤️
I’m so with you Lokita…. Love and Light…. and Thank you for the beautiful Osho Qoute…
Heartening to hear of life beating death and dying giving life again. I’ve watched plants pass away in winter only to rise like fisted hands pushing through in spring. Lokita I have died with you. Watching, reading, hearing reasoned and wiser voices talk of healing and justice in all that has taken place these years. Words are not adequate. But they are what we have. Love.
If you have already died… you have already been reborn too. You are starting over, as a newborn… and there are so many around you ready to pour love and support to you. And, like a newborn… you don’t just get up and walk right after you’re delivered… it takes a good long while, and mastering the tiny things first… just holding up your head is a task, at first… grabbing a spoon… rolling over.
Don’t expect any more of yourself than you can do that day… going barefoot and trying new food… those are do-able.
Sometimes I wonder if it would comfort you to be around a horse? I got an old horse to lead around, as therapy. It has worked wonders. I would be more than happy to share him with you… <3
And… who are you? You are someone who, regardless of all that has happened to you, has changed my life and my trajectory, and has been, and is, a source of inspiration. Even though you've "already died"…. you are still Goddess to me.
I love you, Lokita. <3
I got such powerful strong GOOSEBUMPS…when I read what he said. “You already died Lokita.”
Wow…it even was a transmission for me. That you SO!
xoxo
Marilyn
You are such an inspiration Lokita and one of the toughest people I have ever met.
Thank you for being who you are and showing us all how to persevere in these difficult times.
With love and hugs,
Wayne
When I read your words I drop into a different space and place, Lokita. You are my teacher and scout. Your stories are my lessons. Your struggles are my struggles. Your tears are mine, too. And the sun comes out every day anew. I am sending you love from LET 1 with the Shakti of my dreams. Thank you for introducing us.
I am totally without words! My heart is full of sorrow as well as inspiration. Sending you love, comfort, strength and powerful acknowledgement of well expressed truths. I am jolted into that truth which was difficult for me to speak about until now. I lost my beloved too back in the late 80’s and understand the stages of death and rebirth of which you speak. Thank you for giving it language.
Wow! This is so strong and beautiful – just like you, Lokita!
Much love to you!
Beloved Lokita,
all your courage and letting-go must come from the same source as your pain and love and everything you describe so beautifully and sincerely. Again I thank you, thank you, for these sharings and messages of sincerity. Yes, fierce grace, and it will bring you forward to BEING, no more becoming. I wish we could meet someday, yes. What else to say than “Thank you”, and remember and see the love holding you up, as it shows up in so many ways! Yes, you have already died. Nothing left to loose. I know….
Your words deeply resonate on a deep cellar level awaking in me
my inner wisdom and highest potential of truth. I feel so blessed to read your posts on this Blog
never a superficial offering, always a deep meaningful words of awareness,
love, light, encouragement and as you reveal the human story of
living with grace as your constant guide always.
Namaste in deep gratitude, Victoria. XoX
Lovely!
What a gift from Dr. Matt. And learning that lesson of impermanence and self reliance without having to go to Burning Man. Your description of all the new experiences you are embracing inspires me to open my mind and do the same. Thank you for sharing your intimate journey. Sending a big hug.
Love you so much. <3
<3
I value every blog post of yours, even though we’ve never “met” in person. Your journey and how you share your experience is moving me every time you post, and I read with great interest. Thank you for sharing. And blessings on every moment. This post moved me especially. “Die before you die…” is a practice I have been working with. The way you described your experience of this, though, with what you’ve “lived through” I find especially helpful. Thank you, deep bow. <3
This was a good one. Aho!
Breathing into Mindfulness of LIFE and DEATH!! A moment by moment journey in the consciousness of now.
You are LOVE & You Are LOVED!!
Bows of Gratitude for your PRESENCE, WISDOM & BEARING WITNESS to your journey,
Michele
Words I needed to hear and process today…thank you, again………
Bless you a thousand times for your humanity and courage. In the light of love…
I loved reading this Lokita. I think of you often as a source of great inspiration. You are absolutely held and loved, through and through. Thank you for telling your story. Xo, Louise
Thank you for sharing. It was exactly what I needed in this moment. I am so inspired by your journey and your willingness to live and experience all of life. Thank you…
So glad that in the midst of having died. you have chosen to live and grace the world with your precious gifts. In a somewhat similar way, but for different reasons (a heart attack on June 12, 2014), I have said that the woman I was died that day to give birth to the one I am now. Many blessings and much love to you. <3
Thank you for sharing your journey through death and life and light and dark with all of us. Holding you with love xo Susan
You are held and you are Loved and you do continue to inspire me every time you share your heart so beautifully. Blessings Dear Lokita. 💖💫
Like so many of those commenting I found this blog especially powerful, in its writing and its message. The point at which everything shifts. And I love that the different things you find yourself doing are very grounded, of the earth and of the body. Thank you Lokita for all that you are offering in so many ways.
Beautifully said! I love reading your writings, they are so pure and loving. A lot of it resonates deeply within me from one soul to another. Sending love and hugs to you.
I spent one weekend in NYC at the Open Center, where you and Steve taught a class. I still talk about it often and was so shocked to hear about Steve and all you have been through. And you continue to inspire. Every time I see one of your blogs on FB I have to read it. Thank you, Lokita, for making our lives richer.
To do something different every day- so inspiring to actually take action every day- to reach for that fresh experience – to do something difficult/be someone different. Yes! I’m doing that today! Thank you for living and being with us, Lokita.
Thank you for your wisdoms. May they continue to be of benefit to you and others. As long as you are moved to continue writing them they are certain to be read. Always. K
Lokita, I’m so wishing for you to find freedom and renewal in the truth of those words. You’re an inspiration.
Wow – a deep breath of relief/release… a smile, a booming heart-beat… for you and with you. 👋🏾 ❤️