Enough already

Turmoil. Cancer scare. Grief. The weeks after my father’s passing were difficult. I felt sad, isolated and lonely. The thin layer of healing over Steve’s death came loose all over again. I cried and cried and cried. My father and his well-being had been at the forefront of my mind and heart for many years. Now there is a sense of relief (for him) yet more prominently, a strange and somewhat scary emptiness.

In the midst of all that, the heavy, ever-present Sword of Damocles – in the form of cancer – rattled loudly above my head. During a routine breast ultrasound, a doctor in Germany determined that a cyst that’s been in my right breast for a while looks suspicious, and that I should have a diagnostic mammogram and biopsy asap.

Immediately, the entire trauma of the cancer treatment, the biopsies, the needles, the chemo, the fear, the pain, the agony, death, the EVERYTHING erupted. Oh, if I had just had that bilateral mastectomy two years ago, I wouldn’t have to have these worries!

You don’t want to sit in that particular cauldron, I can assure you! I once again thought my life was over. Why was I even alive? Why bother? I’m just glad my dad didn’t have to see me die before him. Etc. Etc. And for the first time since the Great Dissolution began three years ago, I got angry. Enough already! I don’t need any more peeling away of layers, thank you very much!!! I have plenty on my plate to grow and expand with!

Fortunately, my medical team back in California took the German doctor’s concerns very seriously and I had the diagnostic mammo and another ultrasound a few days ago. After careful consideration they concluded that it was a harmless cyst, and announced, “Come back in a year, Mrs Carter”. Wow. Ok. I don’t have cancer again, after all. I have a some more time to live! It took me more than a day to relax into that.

I’m sure you can imagine that my (unpublished) writings these past five weeks have been a mixture of venting, ranting and lamenting. My highly evolved spiritual ego has been judgmental of all that processing. Venting? Not a good thing. Ranting and raving? Anger? Oh dear. Not appropriate to share publicly on this blog. Besides, it’s not very spiritual!

Or is it? What can be more spiritual than allowing myself to be authentic with whatever arises every moment, really?

PS. As I am writing this, I am sitting on the sun drenched front deck of a friend’s home in Santa Cruz, California. Just got back from a lovely walk on the beach. Coco is lying next to me on her smelly dog blanket. In the distance I hear the ocean roar. Hummingbirds are whirring by, landing on this blossom and that. Under the tree to my left is a small shrine for Steve. I placed some gifts from the sea there for him. Peace.

“Even negative emotions are good, if real; and if they are real, by and by, their very reality transforms them. They become more and more positive and a moment comes when all positivity and negativity disappears. You simply remain authentic: you don’t know what is good and what is bad, you don’t know what is positive and what is negative. You are simply authentic.

~Osho, The Grass Grows By Itself, Chapter 3

21 replies
  1. Karen Harrison
    Karen Harrison says:

    Lokita. Thinking about you What can I say to someone who has been through it all. Just keep listening to those waves and smelling the salt air. That says a lot to me I think it is something about hope and staying positive because it is worth it. Love you!

    Reply
  2. Christina de Jongh
    Christina de Jongh says:

    OMG such a roller coaster once again. But I am glad it ended with a soft landing… but wish you would not have had to go through this. You already have way more than enough on your plate.Rest up …. be relieved… and lots of hugs for your grieving heart. Lots of love to you!!!
    Christina

    Reply
  3. Jeff Jade Spangler
    Jeff Jade Spangler says:

    Yes Lokita, just allowing all emotions to be authentically present is powerful medicine. I see nothing outside of spirituality therefor it can hardly be branded with good or bad, right or wrong. You are definitely a quick and ready acceptor and processor, that in itself reflects a strong healing intention bearing positive fruit. You are undergoing quite the chrysalis awakening, those new wings will be stunning!!!

    Reply
    • Jaquelin Pearson
      Jaquelin Pearson says:

      Could not agree more. As Cabot-Zinn said long ago, “the full catastrophe” is the life we live if we live it fully, authentically and in touch with everything. Thankful you are enjoying the new peace of continued health. At the same time I feel sure that the blogs you wrote when you were reeling were equally important for you and for us all. Life is messy, ego work is continuous, reality is demanding and insistent. Showing up is all we can do.
      Sending you much love and healing thoughts.

      Reply
  4. Melantha
    Melantha says:

    WHEW!! Just continue being YOU, authentic, wise, beautiful, full of light! I love you and I am grateful to know you and be a part of your existence.

    Reply
  5. PK Fiasco
    PK Fiasco says:

    Thanks. Good to learn your reactions, and your actions and the way you internalize and externalize all these feelings, emotions, fears, worries and joys. You have been and are amazing.

    Reply
    • Jaquelin Pearson
      Jaquelin Pearson says:

      If you can Sanctuary Cruises off of Moss Landing is the BEST Whale watching crew we’ve ever been out with. Check out their website on Facebook and see the utterly stunning array of huge creatures blessing them each day now. 20+blue whales, 20-50 humpbacks, traveling and resident Orca pods. And flat seas. Truly a mind blowing adventure right off our coast.

      Reply
  6. karnamrita
    karnamrita says:

    Lokita, you are such an inspiration <3 Thank you for being an amazing woman shinning an example of what it is to live fully. Embracing every moment, every emotion and glorifying that this IS life <3

    Reply
  7. Carolyn Arnold
    Carolyn Arnold says:

    Lokita, dear one – your rants, vents, and laments have been so much more than that – you’ve shared deep spiritual / human truths that have resonated with so many. Thank you for being brave enough to share your authentic self. I’m so glad you can land in living now, even including the missing of your father and Steve. big hugs and love, carolyn

    Reply
  8. Shakti
    Shakti says:

    I was just thinking yesterday that we hadn’t heard from you in quite sometime
    Thought you must have launched into the next chapter of your life and was no longer sharing in the blog
    Glad that your doing this
    It’s so good to hear how you are

    Reply
  9. Sue Tobias
    Sue Tobias says:

    Lokita, you are the most REAL person I know! I am so glad it was a harmless cyst and I can only imagine what it was like waiting for that result. Peace and gratitude! Love, Sue

    Reply
  10. Ellen Cohen
    Ellen Cohen says:

    Feel free to bring anything you are feeling to this blog. If we want only happiness and positivity we can read fiction books. Sending hugs.

    Reply

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