Yes, I can eat firm food again! What a relief. What a pleasure! Today a friend and I went to a lovely Italian restaurant in San Rafael, Marin County. We had a super delicious al fresco lunch complete with mimosas, appetizers, main courses, dessert, and finally tea. Our table was bathed in Spring sunlight, and Coco, my Wonderdog, was lounging under a nearby tree. Three women and a girl sat at the table next to us. At some point they attracted Coco’s attention, and petted her.
Radiation treatment – one of the weirdest ever experiences of my life. It’s like being in a scifi movie. I enter the radiation suite clad in a washed-out, blue and white striped robe, the color of which is reminiscent of what one might see in a movie about WW2 concentration camps. After taking the left sleeve off, I lie down on a narrow, hard, cold table. A knee bolster is placed under my legs. One of the technicians puts a heated blanket over me, leaving the left side of my upper body exposed.
Letting go. It has to happen. Steve lives on within me, within his children, and within all of us whose lives he has touched, and beyond. On what would have been our 17th wedding anniversary last week, I donated his clothes to charity. It was heart wrenching. But it had to happen.
I couldn’t bear to give away his favorite T-shirt which we bought in Panama many years ago while teaching on a cruise. Most likely I will bury it with his ashes.
So. I am 53 years old. My husband was murdered. I am in the 8th month of intense cancer treatment. Steve and I taught around 500 Tantra workshops together over 16 years. I know that I am a successful and strong woman, and that I am beautiful, whether I have one breast or two, have grey or blonde hair, and that I can do anything.
Yet I still need validation.
