I am not my Breast
In about 48 hours I will only have one breast. Since late July I have known that this was coming. In some way I feel relieved because by removing the breast, the local cancer will be gone, and my chances at recovery are greatly increased. Yet as I stand in front of the mirror and try to imagine myself without the breast, my heart is bleeding – more grief, more loss, more pain.
I have been blessed to live for 40 years with two very well-formed, perfect “girls” who received a lot of love, adoration and pleasure. Who gave an abundance of joy and delight, nourishment and inspiration in love play. Who to some degree defined me as an “attractive woman”, at least in others’ eyes.
So right now I am in a process of saying goodbye to one of my girls. I have written a letter/poem for her. I stroke her, love her and massage her. I talk to her and appreciate her. I thank her for being so strong that she kept the cancer shielded inside herself rather than letting it consume other parts of my body. I am saying goodbye, and I will miss her.
I am reminded of a participant in our advanced Love & Ecstasy Training cycle some years ago. For the first few days, she was quite reserved, dressed very unassuming, and when it came time to receive a massage from her practice partner, she refused point blank to take her top off. That in itself was completely acceptable and supported by all, but she got very upset and angry about it. Upset at herself that she did not feel comfortable taking her top off. So finally, after some sensitive coaching, she disclosed that she had lost one breast to cancer, and that she feels horrible about her body, about herself and being a blemished woman.
We arranged a healing circle for her, and with the deep work we did there she learned tools to accept herself and celebrate that she was alive in this body, that the cancer did not end her life, and that she was beautiful exactly the way she was.
For me, at this moment of my life, I am taking this experience to heart, as I say goodbye to my breast. Letting go of my girl to increase my chances at healing the cancer is difficult, but necessary. (I don’t say “necessary” lightly, but believe me, I have researched all the options; and for the record, I have decided against reconstruction.)
Once again, I remind myself that no – I am not my breast, I am not my hair, I am not my body. Who I am does not hinge on whether I have one breast or two breasts, whether I walk slowly because my knee hurts, or whether I have so-called “mousefur” on my head, soft downy hair that has started growing since chemotherapy discontinued. It hinges on who I am.
I am a luminous being, a strong and beautiful woman going through a very intense phase in her life.
Let me repeat that 10,000 times:
I am a luminous being, a strong and beautiful woman, going through a very intense phase of her life.
I am a strong being, a luminous and beautiful woman, going through a very intense phase of her life
I am luminous life, an intense woman going through a beautiful phase of her being.
I am a woman – beautiful, strong, luminous and intense, going through a phase in her life.
I am a phase of life, going through strong and luminous, an intense and beautiful woman.
I am all that, and nothing. And it all makes sense in some strange way.
Please think about me on Tuesday at noon.
PS. And it must be said – the most difficult thought in all this is that when I wake up from the anesthesia, Steve will not be by my side, holding my hand, stroking my face, reassuring me that everything will be alright.
My thoughts will be with you.
Sending you love. You are in my thoughts.
I will think about you on Tuesday at noon, as I think about you often anyway. Your beautiful soul is in my heart.
We all love you Lokita and you are a beautiful woman inside and out, with or without two breasts.You are in my meditations that you feel better and that your healing is swift. <3
Yes Lokita you are all that you said. Love to you and I will be thinking of you at noon on Tuesday. And for the record your breasts are beautiful but so is the rest of you especially in your heart
Thank you for your healing soul words. You are strong, you are soft, you are vibrant woman and you are surrender itself. You are walking the path of loss in so many ways at once and you are walking the path that I fear and that makes you a way-shower. Blessings….
Love and light…and all healing possible…Sister Lokita,
Kim
Oh, Mercy!
Holding you in my heart dear one…..
Prayers and blessings to you prayers prayers and blessings to you Lokita!
Sitting beneath/behind your left breast is your strong, luminous, intense, beautiful, alive heart.
Lokita, may you feel the gentle energetic cradling of many hands from so many who love you, especially on Tuesday.
You are…loved.
Will be there with you in my heart and will hold space for you. You are brave, luminous and beautiful and a lot more!
Lots of love from me, Jeff, Tai, Louie, Chi (my family)
Sending you love and prayers for healing and peace
Dear Lokita,
My love and prayers are with you. Will hold sacred space for you on Tuesday, surrounding you with love, beauty, strength, trust and the unlimited magic of life.
You are precious to us all.
Blessings in all ways
Gaia
I’ll be with you tomorrow my sweet and courageous sister. love you <3
yes,beautiful,i will definately think of you tuesday…all the best!
lots of love and a big hug <3
I admire you so much in how you’re moving through all this. Steve is right there with you every step of the way, loving your luminous body and soul. Blessings on this stage of your journey.
May light and healing energy surround you, Lokita, especially on your surgery day. We are with you, dear. Janet and Roger Gruenewald
Thank you! So good to know that you two are reading my blog! I have fond memories if you 💖
You are a strong being, a luminous and beautiful woman, going through a very intense phase of your life
You are luminous life, an intense woman going through a beautiful phase of your being.
You are a woman – beautiful, strong, luminous and intense, going through a phase in your life.
You are a phase of life, going through strong and luminous, an intense and beautiful woman.
And I think Steve will be there by your side. I really do. Believe. Healing loving thoughts coming your way now, then and always.
Sending love.
Hi hon–I am a friend of Remo Pratini’s, and I have been with you all the way–including sweeping all my glassware onto the floor when I heard about Steve’s murder. I went into a rage I cannot even describe over the death of a friend I had never met of a friend whom I love deeply. All blessings to you in this next evolution to come…and how is is Coco? I burn candles every night for you, Steve, and your wonderful Dobie! Big hugs==Margi Ladywolf
Hi Margi, Coco is well, still in medical care. She has been through a lot. I hope that we will be reunited next week, just as soon as I can take her back after my surgery. Thanks for asking.
Thank you again for such heartfelt writings. I will be thinking of you tomorrow at noon. One more thing, you have coined a new term: Mousefur. Mine definitely feels like Mousefur. Thanks for the laugh Lokita.
Actually, the term “mousefur” came from a new oncologist I saw last week. It made me feel so good when he said it! Makes me smile every time I say it. Actually, I love mice!
I believe Steve *will* be with you when you awaken…but in spirit, of course. And yes, it’s excruciatingly hard going through physical events without a physical Steve. But Steve, even more so now, sees and accepts your beauty—both inner and outer—as perfect and radiant.
I will join hearts with all in this circle Tuesday at noon…we will all be with you luminious woman/soul. You are in my thoughts and meditations daily, with so much love.
Lokita, do you have a PO box? I would love to send you something by mail.
Blessings,
Lyndsey
My address is 4460 Redwood Highway #16-327
San Rafael CA 94903 💖
<3
Dear Lokita. Sending love and healing. You are in my heart tomorrow and always. Your writing has touched me deeply. Blessings, Inika
We will be thinking of you, Lokita, and sending loving and healing energy your way.
Dhanyam & Avinasho
Dear Lokita, you are absolutely a luminous being, a strong and beautiful woman, going through a very intense phase of your life, and setting a shining example for the rest of us. I’ll think of you tomorrow at 3pm EST.
Love. Bill
Dear Lokita
It was 9 years ago I said goodbye to both “my girls”. I chose the symmetry and the chance of not going through this twice, so I chose to lose my cancerous left breast and prophylactically lose my “right girl” also. It was a blessing as they found the pre-cancer in my right breast as well. I also have chosen to forego reconstruction. I have much more to offer the world than my cleavage. I have had no regrets. I convinced myself that as the space between myself and the world was diminished, that my heart would be closer to that same world. My scars are my victory. I have had no regrets.
I will pray for you (more)
May you see in the eyes of all who love you your truest beauty.
You have shown that beauty to strangers, like myself, through your writing.
Bless you
This world still holds many miracles for you for wake up too.
I know this to be true
Carol
Please forgive my inadequate writing…I tried to say my wish and belief is that you will find “many miracles for you to wake up to”.
with love
Carol
Lokita, You are a luminous being, a strong and beautiful woman going through a very intense phase in your life.
Sending you love and light,
Louise
Sending love and prayers….
Dear Lokita – hang in as you have only love and life to look forward to. Deep prayers and love for you, always. You are not alone.
Dearest Lokita,
Hopefully by 1 pm Tuesday you will feel lighter and cancer free. My thoughts and prayers I release to the universe for your rapid recovery and healing of your heavy heart. I affirm that you are a luminous being, strong and beautiful and about to conclude a very intense phase of your life.
Hallo furry Maus,
ich werde morgen ganz fest an Dich denken.
V
<3
All this love surrounding a luminous being, a strong and beautiful woman going through a very intense phase in a well lived life….
Your light will continue to shine .
When I think of you I feel GRACE…
Will be with you in thought tomorrow……SHINE as you enter that OR.
Love to you…
Yes!! You are such a beautiful and strong and luminous woman! I am thinking of you and I am with you and I love you, Lokita.
Love, Sue
Hello, Lokita,
I’m surrounding you in light and sending you love.
Heart blessings,
Mercedes
I will think about you tomorrow at noon and ask the Divine Spirit to wrap her loving arms around you. You are beautiful inside and out.
Love and healing is being send you way! I will send Reiki tomorrow all day!
I wish you a speedy recovery from the surgery!
Love and blessings sweet, strong, amazing, vulnerable, beautiful women, Lokita!
Sweet Lokita,
Energy of BIG LOVE surrounds you. May your precious heart, body n spirit feel the loving embrace of Steve,s spirit holding you after recovery. You are illuminating & radiance. With Deep love for the open hearted wisdom you share. Michele
I’ll be thinking about you, Lokita
Lokita, I know the losses and changes that surgery brings. But you are, and will always be a luminous thing of joy and beauty. This surgery just brings people immediately closer to your heart when you hug them. Your heart, and now your body, have been cut open by all this, but the vulnerability and deepening that accompany have gifts to you and to everyone you connect with. I’m posting your new image on my FB page.
Love. I am with you in my heart. Will you have a friend with you there when you wake up ?
Yes, two girlfriends will be there with me. I feel blessed to have such loving friends in my life 💖
I love you Lokita. You are and always will be inspiring and beautiful both inside and out. Thoughts are with you today and always x x
Dearest Luminous Lokita,
I am sending lots of healing live and light. You are in my prayers
Big hugs
Laura
Thinking of you ma chere Lokita. All will be fine, stay positive. You are a brave Lady. Will be there with you in my thoughts.❤️
Sending you healing thoughts…May all go well…may what needs to be taken be gone gently – may all that remains be in health…Bless you:)
I think of you often and when I read your blog, I am amazed at your strength and vulnerability all in one. Sending much healing love to you as you start your life this new stage. xoxo
Dearest Lokita, we are seeing you as the luminous and beautiful being you are. Sending our prayers for healing and also our deep appreciation of you. Much love and many blessings,
Coleen and Duane
All the love to you, Lokita. <3 Deep healing, and deep peace.
On November 17, 2015 I had a radical bilateral mastectomy. I am now 5 weeks out of surgery and doing well. I start chemo January 2016. I hope all went well with your surgery. I am sending you light and love. I do have one question…. Who was Steve?
Dear Denise, yes, my surgery went well, and I am healing better than expected. Radiation+chemo should start in early January. You are asking – who was Steve? My husband. Please read more here: http://lokitacarter.com/page/3/. Supportive thoughts to you <3