I am tired, so tired of all this. I am tired of being asked what’s next. I am tired of talking and thinking about what happened.
I am tired of dealing with the authorities regarding restitution claims, victim advocacy issues, and receiving the photos off Steve’s cell phone. I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, my heart racing, wondering where I am. I am tired of feeling depressed almost every single morning when I wake up because there’s nothing to do, nowhere to go. I am tired of being asked what happened to Coco’s eye. I am tired of crying at the drop of a hat. I am tired of letting go of Steve, and of our life together. I am tired of constant reminders that he is not here anymore. I am tired of pity, and well-meant explanations of why all this has happened, and how I created it. I am tired of being in bed alone, of not having warm arms wrapped around me, holding me close with love and comfort. I am tired of cooking just for myself. I am tired of feeling sad, heavy and unmotivated. I am tired of having to deal with the logistics of life, being responsible for everything. I am tired of being scared during heavy rainstorms at night, only with Coco, my doghter, who is wrapped up safely in a snugly blanket, by my side. I am tired of being strong, positive and resilient. I am tired of living through this hell who-knows-how.
I am just so, so tired; tired of it all.
These sentiments are part of my life as well as all the other, more uplifting feelings and experiences that I write about and live with. To be a tantrika to me means to practice radical acceptance, and to use whatever happens as a tool for my expansion. Right now, tiredness is my tool.
And that’s the whole art of life: to use everything that life gives – fear, hate, anger, whatsoever it gives. Whatsoever life gives, there must be some treasure hidden in it. Go into it and you will find the treasure. ~ Osho, Above All, Don’t Wobble #27