Tired.

I am tired, so tired of all this. I am tired of being asked what’s next. I am tired of talking and thinking about what happened.

I am tired of dealing with the authorities regarding restitution claims, victim advocacy issues, and receiving the photos off Steve’s cell phone. I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, my heart racing, wondering where I am. I am tired of feeling depressed almost every single morning when I wake up because there’s nothing to do, nowhere to go. I am tired of being asked what happened to Coco’s eye. I am tired of crying at the drop of a hat. I am tired of letting go of Steve, and of our life together. I am tired of constant reminders that he is not here anymore. I am tired of pity, and well-meant explanations of why all this has happened, and how I created it. I am tired of being in bed alone, of not having warm arms wrapped around me, holding me close with love and comfort. I am tired of cooking just for myself. I am tired of feeling sad, heavy and unmotivated. I am tired of having to deal with the logistics of life, being responsible for everything. I am tired of being scared during heavy rainstorms at night, only with Coco, my doghter, who is wrapped up safely in a snugly blanket, by my side. I am tired of being strong, positive and resilient. I am tired of living through this hell who-knows-how.

I am just so, so tired; tired of it all.

These sentiments are part of my life as well as all the other, more uplifting feelings and experiences that I write about and live with. To be a tantrika to me means to practice radical acceptance, and to use whatever happens as a tool for my expansion. Right now, tiredness is my tool.

And that’s the whole art of life: to use everything that life gives – fear, hate, anger, whatsoever it gives. Whatsoever life gives, there must be some treasure hidden in it.  Go into it and you will find the treasure. ~ Osho, Above All, Don’t Wobble #27

85 replies
  1. Mary Alice
    Mary Alice says:

    Oh, Lokita. You are saying “Yes” to it all. Now let’s see what can happen? Is that the lesson? I hear you, loud and clear.

    Reply
    • Jaquelin Pearson
      Jaquelin Pearson says:

      I bow to your courageous speaking of your Truth, no matter what. Of course you are. You were journeying through this challenging experience called life with a partner in crime. Suddenly, tragically, he was taken away. That left you alone fighting for your life and sanity on your own. I cannot begin to imagine the challenges of putting one foot ahead of the other day after day. Being tired of it all is so normal. I wish you could get away to some place where you can be nourished and free from all the things that you must address in daily life. In the meantime I and others send you wishes for the courage to keep on keeping on, while you stay present with each and every moment of your truth. Thank you for being a teacher for us all.

      Reply
      • Lokita Carter
        Lokita Carter says:

        💓 you’re absolutely right. And then one day it doesn’t, and on another day who knows what…

    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      If I said no to anything, I would not be alive today. Anything can happen. The key is surrender. 💓

      Reply
  2. Orchid
    Orchid says:

    Hi Lokita, I’ve been following your blog after my partner passed only a few months after yours. He also died unexpectedly, and my life ceased to be my own and became one owed to grief and recovery. But now I am moved to write because I was just diagnosed with cancer a few days ago, oh the irony, right? The lessons we are given do not take their time or wait for us to catch up. I just have one sentiment-fuck, this really sucks. I am glad you have coco to keep you warm. I’m thinking of you.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Dear Orchid, oh, what a f*&^ing nightmare! I am sorry to hear about your partner’s death and the cancer diagnosis. WTF. My heart goes out to you in a big way. If I can help in any way, let me know. Sending you love and supportive thoughts <3

      Reply
      • Orchid
        Orchid says:

        Thanks Lokita, I have surgery in 2 weeks to do the staging and see what the next steps are. One step at a time, right? The grief over my own body pales in comparison over the loss of my partner’s. Hugs. You are not alone.

      • Lokita Carter
        Lokita Carter says:

        Thinking about you, Orchid. I can so relate to your comment about the grief over your own body. Suddenly, the body is not “reliable” anymore. Sending love to you. 💓

  3. Todd Kaufmann
    Todd Kaufmann says:

    Lokita my loss is so different but the grief I experience is so similar to how you expressed of “being tired”. Everyday I question why to move forward with life because of losses of everything I’ve come to know as safe and secure. After reading this post it gets me just a little bit more push to meet the next day knowing that my loss is nothing to the loss of a loved and cherished partner. Seeing how you are moving forward in face of such sadness gives me some strength. Thank you for vulnerability and spoken truth.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, Todd. I really do know now that nothing on the “outside” is safe and secure, and that impermanence is the reality of life. Right now I am beginning to feel the sense of freedom this insight affords me. I send you lots of love and appreciation. Thank you for your encouragement, understanding and reading my blog. 💓

      Reply
  4. Dagmar
    Dagmar says:

    To me, you are the treasure because of your vulnerabilities and your radical acceptance. Should you forget I know for you that behind the tiredness lies your Joy waiting to burst open when you are done being tired. May every day provide you with a moment that makes you realize the Joy of Life inside and around you. Much love.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      What a sweet thing to say, thank you. You are absolutely right; I am the treasure. It is a strange thing to say about oneself, but now that I am emerging from the tiredness, I feel the truth of it. Thanks for sending love. I think about you often, my heroine! And I hope you and your beloved are well and happy 💓

      Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      💓 I love you too, Tracy, and I do look forward to a better Internet connection between our respective countries next time we Skype 🙂

      Reply
  5. Patty
    Patty says:

    Please come stay with us, no questions, no worry, just hanging out with love! Bring Coco she can meet a new doggie friend. Always with love, Greg & Patty

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Oh, thank you for the invitation, Patty! One day I might take you up on it. Sending love to you and Greg 💓

      Reply
  6. Ava Kennedy
    Ava Kennedy says:

    Fully experiencing this is important. Holding all your feelings–right now, this one–is perfect.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Yes, there is a power in allowing myself to experience it (everything) fully. My therapist calls it “metabolizing”. I allowed myself to feel completely tired, and now, I feel better. 💓

      Reply
  7. Max
    Max says:

    Thank you so much Lokita for sharing your experiences of loss, of joy in continuing in spite of loss, of anger, acceptance and of all of your amazing life. I have been reading for awhile and never commented, but I want you to know you inspire me and help me to deal with my own smaller losses and confusion. You did not cause this loss but you are receiving it with your spirit’s strength and wisdom. Thank you again for this gift to us and I hope it helps to lighten your load and to clarify. Sending love and peace and clarity and joy —

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Dear Max, thank you for your heartful comment. I feel you and appreciate your encouragement. It is indeed my writing, and knowing that it is read and appreciated, that has been helping me to navigate through this indescribably difficult time. Slowly, the fog is lifting and the load is dissolving. Sending love to you 💓

      Reply
  8. Rachila
    Rachila says:

    Ah yes! Yes to all. Supporting your being as deeply tired of it all, for as long as you feel it! Diving into the tiredness, Feeling it completely…
    Its fine to stay in bed, not shower, not get dressed, cry for as long as you want, scream, not eat, not drink, veg out. You are held in the unlimited, unconditional Love of the Divine💗 & your community. We are sending you love every moment.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, Rachila. I let myself be completely tired, vegged out, and now I feel better. More alive. Gratitude to you and my community for helping me through it all from afar 💓

      Reply
  9. Penny Butler
    Penny Butler says:

    Dearest Lokita, You have every right to be tired, to feel exhausted, to even be beyond exhausted. Feel it, live in it, then let it go. It too is part of living. Rest and then rest some more. May I suggest getting a stack of books that you’ve wanted to read and diving in. Put something on the calendar to look forward to each and every month, or every week, or every day. It could be something as simple as a massage or arranging a bouquet of flowers. Allow yourself to just be………….. for that is enough. Rest in knowing how many people think of you each moment, you are loved and admired by those you have never even met. Yes Steve is not with you in the physical form but you are not alone, you will never be alone, there is love surrounding you every minute of every day.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you for the reminder, in fact the many reminders in your comment! In my darker moments I sometimes forget that there is a huge love for me out there in the world that surrounds me with healing and support. Plus, I did what your recommended – I read some books I had wanted to read in a long time, and immersing myself into them has been a great distraction and also integration, since I read about death and life. 💓

      Reply
  10. dan argraves
    dan argraves says:

    Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing up as you do. Thank you for your being so tired of it all. Thank you for being so full of life when you can be during these times. Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, Dan. I like the expression “full of life”. Even in the long, dark tunnel can I be full of life when I give myself fully to it. 💓

      Reply
  11. victoria
    victoria says:

    Love your honest open heart I am so inspired by you, love reading all your Blog posts.
    To be a Tantrika to me means to practice radical acceptance, and to use whatever happens as a tool for my expansion. << I also walk this path of consciousness.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thanks, Debra, I feel it. Life is full spectrum, that’s for sure. We often want to only feel the lighter times, but there is an incredibly bright light in the darker times, too. 💓

      Reply
  12. Richard Tallman
    Richard Tallman says:

    Hi Lokita, I was just thinking of you when May told me of your most recent blog entry. Sometimes there are no words that will help, only movement. At least for me. To help Nadia cope with her cancer we walked the entire length of the Camino de Santiago. After she died I rode the motorcycle 9,000 miles and forced myself to attend another Timeless Loving workshop — the same workshop in which I met her. You taught it without Steve. He was away. Do you remember? It was a pivotal moment in my recovery. I cried and cried and cried. Words of comfort just pissed me off. It was movement that helped. Nadia would say to me “motion is lotion”, and I’m still moving! Maybe you need to leave your place and walk the Camino. Dogs go as well. It is long and grueling, but you will meet some remarkable people — and they will meet you. I wish I could do more to help you Lokita, to make it easier, but I can’t. We are required to go through things for reasons we don’t understand and it is one day at a time, and YES, some days it is so very tiring, but you will make it.

    Love,

    Richard

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Dear Richard, your comment really touched me, thank you. You have a way of getting straight to my heart. I remember your journey very well indeed. And yes, that was the workshop when Steve’s dad died. And you gave that incredible talk about the chakras. I remember exactly where you sat in the Meadow Building, and I remember your incredible courage to bring yourself to the workshop experience again after Nadia’s passing.

      I felt into what you said about the movement, and you are right. Even when I move my body in the water, for example when I do (my new favorite) aquatic exercise, I feel movement of my emotional energy. I might not walk the sacred trail, but I am planning to travel again in about 6 weeks. Moving myself to another country for a few months, with Coco, being with different people in different places. With new people, and with people I have known since way before I met Steve.

      My energy is moving beautifully, and you are my inspiration. Sure, I don’t know, and might never know, WHY I had to go through all this, and really, who cares. I am alive and well right now. Do I see a bigger meaning? Not really. But that’s ok.

      I trust that all is well with you and the Merry One.

      Hugs 💓

      Reply
      • melantha
        melantha says:

        Thank you Lokita and Richard for your heartfelt honesty…movement, I so agree. Sweet travels to you and Coco. Always love…❤️

    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      I love you, too, and hope that we will get to connect in person upon my next visit to CA. Thank you for reading and commenting on my blog. I hope all is well with you two and your boys. 💓

      Reply
  13. Chris Englund
    Chris Englund says:

    Deer Lokita,
    I very much treasure your insights relevant to our Tantric path.
    I’ve finished the Skydancing CTT1 workshop. Our group was astonished when Margot dropped by.
    You will also be enthusiastically welcomed if you can join us at one of the four remaining workshops.I understand completely it may not be time to relive that part of your life, but want you to know Skydancing will always be family.
    Happy Trails!

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Hi Chris, thank you for reminding me of my SkyDancing Tantra family! Perhaps I will show up one day 💓 In the meantime, I feel your love and supportive energy and send hugs to you and your beloved.

      Reply
  14. Lourdes
    Lourdes says:

    It all makes sense; you are tired of being tired👏Maybe it’s time for a change but knowing what that means is another journey. I hear your voice all the way to CA.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Yes, it may be time for a change. Well, put it that way – the first part of the change has already happened by everything being ripped away. The direction may not be clear, but sitting in the fire of not-knowing has its own beauty 💓

      Reply
  15. Sue Tobias
    Sue Tobias says:

    Accepting tiredness as a tool for expansion……. although I can only imagine a fraction of what you’re experiencing that phrase resonates with me…..and inspires me to look at tiredness a different way. My love and thoughts are with you, Lokita.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, lovely Sue! I am looking at all kinds of ordinary states and thoughts in new ways, too. If we all did that more often (and in normal life not in tragedy) the world would be a better place. Sending love to you and Robert 💓

      Reply
  16. Russell DesMarais
    Russell DesMarais says:

    Allow the earth and the sky to harbor you, carry you, seed you, nurture you, grow you, in time, form your renewed soul once again as your heart and path emerge into a new beginning. Having fallen into the cold, wet, darkness of the ground, one does not see nor feel the molding and shedding taking place till the spark within the seed shares the new power to grow fully one more time. My tiredness, weariness and separation from all that was once my life, forced me through my journey, not of my making nor of my choosing! Breathe, trust and hold on to the life within you as that is all I knew to do during my “dark night of my soul” till a new dawn emerged. There is only you and nature, nothing else matters and only you know. Shared with my love………..

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, Russell. I am breathing, trusting, and celebrating the life within me, whatever form it takes. And I must admit that I do look forward to the little spark within the seed, and for it to grow into a strong light. Sending love 💓

      Reply
  17. Mark
    Mark says:

    What a fucked up world. I’m lucky to be alive, to feel the warmth of the sun, to have three cats cuddled on the Beddinge next to me. I can see the post-fire vegetation returning on Cobb Mountain . Maybe I’ll even soak in Harbin again.
    I fear your pain and suffering — guilt, pity and other feelings stir. The eternity of it makes my gut twist up and grumble.

    Reply
  18. Ann Prehn
    Ann Prehn says:

    Oh Lokita. You break my heart. Trying to get over the fire leaves similar fatigue and sadness, but not the same loneliness and distrust of my fellow humans. The fall-out seems never-ending.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Ann, thank you for your feeling with me. I can relate to your feeling of fatigue after the terrible fire. It is heartbreaking, the whole thing. The fire, Harbin, cancer, Steve’s murder, the loss of homes, purposes and the grief. It seems never-ending, and the question is – can I accept that never-ending aspect of life, that will only end with my own death? Sending you lots and lots of love, and appreciation for all the work you have done, and the love your poured into Pubs, and the collaboration we shared for so many years. 💓

      Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Sending love and appreciation and hugs to you. I can still see you at Omega in the circular room, and my heart beats with love of who you and your beloved are 💓

      Reply
  19. Susan Douglass
    Susan Douglass says:

    Sitting here with tears and love. And great appreciation for your transparency and vulnerability. I’m so touched, as always. xoxoxo

    Reply
  20. August Garcia
    August Garcia says:

    Hi my Dear,
    Been thinking of you, wondering how you’re doing.
    Went to your web page. Sending you a hug.
    Your friend,
    August

    Reply

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