Happy Birthday Steve ❤

Today marks the 69th anniversary of Steve’s birth. I had planned some time ago to release most of my part of his ashes into the ocean on this day. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I was going to write about it here because this is such a private, intimate and sacred occasion but since something funny, irreverent and even Steve-like happened at the end, I decided to share it. Please don’t continue reading this if you think it is inappropriate to write publicly about this ceremony.

So, off we went bright and early at 7:00am: my friend Bee, three dogs – Coco, Linus, Mamadog – and me. The previous evening I had prepared everything to make a beautiful ceremony. It is an intense 45-minute walk to Playa Grande, Steve’s favorite beach, and it is hot and humid here right now; so I decided to wear nothing but my bikini. I left my other clothes in the car.

The beach is about a mile long, and it was low tide, the perfect time to be there. After a short ritual, Bee and I walked along the waterline, releasing bits of ashes. We drew hearts in the sand, wrote messages of love with Steve’s ashes, and watched the ocean waves slowly and gently take them away. Bee was the flower girl; she released red petals and leaves from Steve’s favorite tropical plants into the sea.

Soon there was only a little bit left of the precious dust, we were at the end of the beach, a very special place. There is extremely fine black sand, ideal for rubbing all over the body; it is the ultimate natural exfoliation treatment. Those of you readers who participated in one of our tropical Tantra vacations in Tambor or Montezuma know exactly the place I mean! And it is pretty deserted; not many people come by. The occasional horse riding excursion, that’s about it. Steve and I had spent many hours frolicking right there.

In keeping with the tradition, I took off my bikini and prepared to take the remainder of the ashes with me into the ocean. I dusted some on my heart and went in. It was beautiful. The ocean was warm, and I felt very connected to Steve, to life and the elements. I opened my hand and watched him become one with the water. Coco was right there beside me. Releasing his ashes today, and like this, is perfect, I thought. Steve would have liked that.

Then, out of nowhere, a large wave came in. It rolled over Coco and me. Linus got out in time.

From my location in the champagne part of the water, I saw Bee struggling to get our bags to a dry place. To help her, I got out of the water as quickly as I could, naked.

Reached our things, saved our snacks, the dog leashes etc – and then, guess what: my bikini was gone, nowhere to be seen, washed away! We searched around, among the rocks, in the waves, everywhere; but eventually only found the top. The bottom had vanished into the sea.

The releasing of Steve’s ashes was a very sacred, serious and important occasion, yet it was quite the funny ending to our ceremonious morning – here I was at the place of our many frolics, Steve has dissolved into the ocean, and he took my bikini bottom with him! I am sure he had a good laugh, wherever his soul may be.

(Fortunately Bee had brought a scarf which I wrapped around my hips to get back into town dressed!)

78 replies
  1. Lourdes
    Lourdes says:

    Lovely entry. thank you Lokita. I’m sure Steve is laughing in Steve’s Heaven. His playful soul will forever live in all of us through our experiences with him and through your writings. May you always feel the sun’s warmth and the ocean’s cool water on your skin caressing you as a gentle kiss from Steve.

  2. Mary Alice
    Mary Alice says:

    Love the story. I can hear the wild laughter.
    How beautiful you can laugh again. How present they remain.
    What a relief they are not completely lost to us.

  3. Tracy
    Tracy says:

    OMG! This could not have been a more perfect way to celebrate Steve. He is playing with you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️!!!!

  4. Samvada
    Samvada says:

    That is so funny – he took your panties with him. I had a good laugh and love his sense of humor, so glad you had a scarf to cover up somewhat.
    Beautiful ceremony at a special place for you both and Coco. Hugs, Samvada

  5. Nicky
    Nicky says:

    Lokita what joy! Steve bought you laughter and love on an emotional day. I’m so glad that you shared this story of the celebration of steves birthday and the beginning of his new journey. So beautiful just like you. Your story made me feel like I was there and I laughed and cried. ❤️

  6. Jennifer
    Jennifer says:

    This made me smile. I dont know you yet i have followed your tantra work over many years and have read every blog you have posted. I have just felt completely touched by all that you have experienced. Reading this today, I see that Steve and I share a birth day. My first thought was no wonder…i have been following the story of another soul who entered into this middle world the same day i did, albet different years.

    Many blessings,

  7. dan argraves
    dan argraves says:

    What a wonderful intimate sharing. I can hear Steve laughing as well, always the man of humor. Many blessings to you.

  8. Katalina Fisher
    Katalina Fisher says:

    Thank you for sharing this wonderful story. Yes, I do believe that Steve was there with you, and that he stole your panties! It is so perfect! Happy Birthday Steve…. We all miss you so much. And thank you Lokita for putting this lovely smile on my face. The last picture of you with the scarf around your hips is great. Nice way to start my morning with some laughter and a smile 😀

  9. Veetman
    Veetman says:

    Thank you, Lokita, for letting us take part in this intimate celebration. I read every post of yours, and feel grateful for your honesty and depth. In general I can say I learn from all these posts about the strength, acceptance and vulnerability we all share.
    You have a wonderful way of inviting us to be part of every step, using the words you do, and also the presence in them that brings me close to your soul by reading and sensing it all. Your words are luminous. One day when all has become peaceful inside, and found its place in your being, please create a book with all these entries that will guide others towards transformation, that is only possible with tremendous courage, willingness to face the unknown, trust and vulnerability.
    May we, and all beings, find the courage and strength when our time comes to meet the “fierce grace” in loss, death, sickness and old age.
    With great love- Veetman

    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you Veetman, for your comment. Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. I like the term “fierce grace”. Meeting her has been so challenging, opening and deeply changing for me. I send you lots of love. Perhaps we will get to meet one day 💞

    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      You know, I was wondering about that, too. The story is sweet and what do the “stolen panties” really symbolize, if anything? It has occurred to me that he would wish for me to be free. Mind you, I was always free with him, too. 💞

    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Dearest Holly and Brian, I send you love and heartful greetings. Have been thinking about you. 💞

  10. linda zimmerman
    linda zimmerman says:

    I think it was the perfect ceremony and Steve would have loved it. In fact, perhaps he orchestrated the whole event….. a precious memory which has left me smiling for you!
    Much love to you and Steve.

  11. Laura Bridges Nieuwenhuyse
    Laura Bridges Nieuwenhuyse says:

    That is SO Steve! So funny! Such a trickster to play with you that way. We love you, Steve! 💜🎶🕉️💜

  12. Tandy McCarthy
    Tandy McCarthy says:


    My My how you travel…. You were just here in Marin. So glad the laughs were there as I giggled with you…… He would have not wanted anything different. God speed and Gods love. please do not go away as I enjoy and learn from you each post.

  13. Judi Finney
    Judi Finney says:

    What a beautiful and precious way to honor your beloved. I love that Steve was right there with you playing tricks and sending you a message.

  14. Kristin Morrison
    Kristin Morrison says:

    I love this so, so much. Made me laugh out loud, Lokita. I read your blog often and am so touched by you, your big, strong heart and how you are living your life after all of this. Go GIRL. And thank you so much for sharing yourself at such a deep level.

    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, Kristin. Sometimes I wonder about sharing so much intimate experience through my blog, but it is also a lifeline for me, knowing that so many people benefit from my experiences in some way 💞 Thanks for reading.

  15. Kim Stanley
    Kim Stanley says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this special intimate celebration with us, it is PERFECTLY fitting for Steve and his humor, and he was right there with you, that wave was HIM, his spirit, grabbing you into playfulness and taking a part of “you” with him into the waters…the water as emotion, rumbling and churning, and then spitting you back to safety, and then, the laughter of all of it. DIVINE….

  16. Barb
    Barb says:

    Steve’s playful spirit and joy in life is part of what drew my partner David and I to do several Tantra classes with you both. It is also what helped me to discover and accept and love myself and my sexuality.This is absolutely perfect and fitting. Love that it happened and that you embraced it all!!

  17. Sue Tobias
    Sue Tobias says:

    Yes! Happy Birthday, Steve! What a wonderful, touching, romantic, playful celebration! You look so beautiful in your scarf and your smile made me smile. Love, Sue

  18. Claudia bassauer
    Claudia bassauer says:

    Lokita, I just love it so much, since you told me live that very funny story – Steve’s letzter Streich – yesterday,I could not get a smile out of my head 😊😀
    When we’re totally one with nature we are in our best, and
    all these funny and magic things happen!!❤️❤️ Love love…
    Big hug, Claudia

  19. Ava Kennedy
    Ava Kennedy says:

    Reminds me of Krishna and the gopis. Yes, Steve is still a rascal –he loves in a fun, light-heated way. And you are still his perfect mate. These stories always make me cry and remember my special memories of Steve. To me, he has always been like Krishna, sharing his love so freely with everyone in a playful rascally kind of way. He’s still playing. Sometimes when I wonder if I will ever discover my perfect mate, I feel Steve is right there encouraging me.

    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      There can be hilarity in even the most serious, sacred moments. That’s one of the great mysteries of life, I think 💞

  20. Lauri
    Lauri says:

    Thank you for sharing… I am crying and laughing at the same time! Keep writing your journal Lokita… you are touching and helping more people than you know!

  21. Robert Gurley
    Robert Gurley says:

    Hi Lokita,
    I met Steve in a men’s workshop class facilitated by Jim Benson, in 2005. Steve joined us in several of the classes, missing a few, yet always there and included. This man, Steve Carter, lives in my memory, like apricot pie and my favorite lovemakings. I knew right away when I met him in class that he was a soul to be reckoned with…

    My amazing memory I wish to share, as I remember it so often, is:

    Jim had us break away into pairs. Steve and I join in and our focus is to ask the other, “Are you worthy of my trust?”. We fixed our gaze into each other, and me, quickly losing my discomfort in staring into another man’s face, realize I am at ease gazing at this man Steve. I think to myself, this man is a marvelous man. I then think this man knows he is marvelous, he thinks it is superfluous, and he counters in my mind that He thinks I am marvelous too. We pause our silent discussion, and then he does the unthinkable.

    He laughs. He laughs for the fun of it, and he laughed asking me to join him in this 😂 laugh. We both start laughing to our hearts content, knowing the other men in the room just might start laughing too. And yes they all do, even Jim laughs and I will always remember this moment. I will always remember the best laugh is just to laugh.

    I always wished to take a class with you both. My partners weren’t drawn to it like me, so I haven’t.

    Tonite I am looking into a genuine Tantra program for myself, even if I must attend alone. I am once again inspired, as I always will be from that laugh with Steve.

    Another person I have more recently been inspired to learn more about Tantra practices, has been Psalm Isadora, who passed away recently, last March. Next teacher I am inspired to learn tantra from I will jump on and not wait.

    Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this.

    By the way, I loved your recent experience on the beach, celebrating Steve… I loved him that much…

    blessed be,
    Robert Gurley


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