Here I am, all alone now. The flow of close friends from California has ended. It began the day I arrived here in Costa Rica in December and my final two visitors left yesterday. The house is quiet. Coco is on extra alert, busily patrolling the grounds. Lately, many questions have been arising – where do I want to live, what I want to do, would this better, or that?
Round and round in my mind they go. My ability to be present with how life is right here in my hammock, in the lap pool, in the tropical paradise… it diminishes while my mind makes plans and outdoes itself with 1,001 new options.
When I talk about my thoughts, they take up more and more room in my present experience and in fact they pull me down. I get fully and completely identified with the drama unfolding in my own head.
I know that the thoughts are not real. They are figments of my restless mind. Yet its wheels continue to turn, churning out more and more ideas, just to avoid this:
I am here alone now. Steve is dead. My life as I knew it is over.
When I step back from these thoughts, observe them, not feed them, life becomes more ecstatic, and there is a sense of rightness in everything. Going for a walk on the beach with Coco. Sorting and folding my fresh laundry. Designing and sewing covers for my sofa cushions. These activities are real.
There is no reason to decide anything. I don’t actually have to make any plan at all. Life will show me the way in its own timing.
I am here alone now. Steve is dead. My life as I knew it is over. The heart opens to those facts, the thoughts give way to trust, and everything is ok.
“No need to choose; become choiceless. And whatsoever happens happens; whatsoever happens is good. Let things happen rather than trying to do, and you will be surprised that all ambiguity disappears. It is a by-product of the chooser’s mind, the choosing mind, that creates ambiguity. Otherwise there is no dilemma. Negative and positive are perfectly balancing in life.” ~Osho