I wish someone would hold me. Someone who I can snuggle up against, who would make comforting sounds. Someone who would reassure me, and let me sink into the warmth and safety of physical intimacy, of being held unconditionally. Stroking my head, holding me close.

My hands connected to the hands of another human being. My breath in sync with another’s breath. The warmth and life of my body melting into the warmth and life of another. Timelessly. Forever. Sinking deeper and deeper into the moment of closeness and embodied comfort. Of deep relaxation and powerful healing by being in the warm embrace of the bodies, and the joint throbbing of the hearts.

Moments of memorable physical closeness are few and far between since Steve died, 11 months ago today. I remember lounging on the sofa in between my two lovely male friends after the court hearing on May 9th – close to each other, relaxed, talking, crying, being friends, holding hands. That felt so safe. There was no time. No agenda. Just being together.

Another time was when my sweet girlfriend held me close to her marvelous bosom, rocking me and cooing while I cried my eyes out.

And then I was with my two Danish friends. The whole family snuggled together on the sofa: them, their dog, their cat, my doghter Coco and me. We spent hours and hours and hours there, covered with blankets and propped up with pillows, eating delicious things, being close, enjoying the intimacy and sweetness of the moment. They called it their “nest” and it was so so cozy. Safety, love and closeness.

There is a lot I can give myself; but there are some things that I just really can’t.

 

17 replies
  1. Bjarke Damm
    Bjarke Damm says:

    Oh Lokita. I’m so touched by your words. They remind me, how precious physical closeness is. I often think of our time together in the nest – that was so precious. There will always be room for you in our nest! Big hugs and warm thoughts from Bjarke, Lars, Joey and Klang :-*

    Reply
  2. Lone Sorensen
    Lone Sorensen says:

    Dearest Lokita.
    I am totally with you here and wish I could visit with you right now to give and share and recieve. I have so many fond memories of this at at Harbin. Your description of the longing to be held and touched with loving intent, is how I feel for a long time having been single in a society and place that is generally afraid of touch and intimacy. There are no healthy touch rituals built into this multicultural society, but rather a lot of fear and distortion in energies. It’s a picture of one of the many ways in which we have “de-natured” same as we have with our foods.
    I also feel the loss of Steve and of Harbin and especially of your workshops. There I could re-nature and rejuvenate and rejoice.
    Thank you for this post Lokita, it’s so real!

    Where on the planet are you? I’ll be freed up by December and am thinking of going somewhere warm and good for the soft animal in me for a couple of months. Do you want to come?

    Reply
  3. Jeannine Grizzard
    Jeannine Grizzard says:

    Dear Lokita, I know Jim would love to sit with you in his big warm embrace.

    We love the photo you chose here and wonder if you have kittens—not these, but the ones in the earlier picture with you holding them up, a pair. Those two remind me so much of a photo taken of me in Hawaii holding similar pair at a Buddhist Temple. I wrote a ditty to the tune of “Cheeseburger in Paradise” about them and I hope it brings a smile for you.
    Twin kittens in Paradise (so, “Cheeseburger in Paradise” etc)
    “Dharma” and “Karma” are twice as nice.
    Furry recruits for God in disguise
    I got me, twin kittens in Paradise!

    Yes, they were named Dharma and Karma. And for quite a while I would do chores I did not like singing my ditty because it made me laugh.

    We are looking forward to another update on your knee recuperation. Hope that is going well and the pain is over. Sending love, Gigi and Jim

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Hi Gigi and Jim, these are some of my sister’s kittens. Not the one I held up before. She has many cats <3 I feel your embrace. Love to you both

      Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you, I feel it! The only other nicest closeness I remember from all those months ago is lying with you holding me after my first chemo infusion, before Steve came back to CA. <3

      Reply
  4. Corinna Joy Kavanagh
    Corinna Joy Kavanagh says:

    Ich würde dich jetzt gern kuscheln! Meine Freundin Britta in Dortmund, wo wir waren, als wir die Neuigkeiten über Steves Tod erfahren haben, ist die beste kuschelerin der Welt!
    Sie hat auch manchmal kuschelparties bei sich und geht umher und gibt “Free hugs”. Also wenn du in die Nähe von Dortmund kommst sag mir Bescheid und ich werd euch zusammen bringen! Sie hat die heilendsten kuschelst in der Welt 🙂

    Reply
  5. Andrew Suffolk United Kingdom
    Andrew Suffolk United Kingdom says:

    It’s been 14 years since we last saw you and 16 years since the magical workshops at Harbin and your beautiful home on Cobb Mountain. Those memories are etched into my mind and will live with me for the rest if my life. If I close my eyes the image of you and Steve is as clear as if it are yesterday. I’ve been following your harrowing journey over the past years, your health issues, the tragedy at Harbin and most distressing of all the senseless loss of Steve. I follow your blog and read every entry each time overwhelmed at your strength and courage. Rest assured that you are in my thoughts and the thoughts of the many whose lives you and Steve touched in such a beautiful way. If I was able to hold you close and safe in my arms I would do so in a heartbeat. Take care and stay safe.

    Reply
  6. Janu
    Janu says:

    Hey lovely, yes i know what you mean…when we meet i will be very very happy to snuggle with you.And i am very good in making cooing comforting sounds :-). Love you

    Reply
  7. Xanet
    Xanet says:

    Oh Lokita….I wish I could hold you and cuddle you right now like we did on that beautiful Easter afternoon at Blackies! I am sending that love and energy to you right now. Yes physical intimacy is precious and I know how much you miss it. I trust thought that you will have more of that in your life. With love,,,,Xanet

    Reply
  8. Kim Burke McClellan
    Kim Burke McClellan says:

    Gosh, Lokita! You nailed it!
    The missing link! The final frontier!
    That has got to be one of the most primary longings we carry,
    Almost a compass, navigating our fulfillment, nourishment…

    Reply
  9. Melantha
    Melantha says:

    Dear and sweet Lokita, would that I could be there to hold you❤️I embrace you gently and wholly in my heart. I so understand your longing and vision someone to hold you so dearly, soon! Ever love to you dear soul.❤️

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *