Surrender, Surrender, yet again Surrender

I have been in hospital since Thursday. Friday morning was my knee replacement surgery. On the evening before the operation, the doctor recommended spinal tap anesthesia which meant that I received an injection in my lower spine and was conscious the entire time of the surgery. I could hear and feel the impact of the hammering, sawing and so forth but there was no pain. It was too strange.

The first 72 hours after surgery were spent in complete Lalaland. I was a big, clumsy beetle on its back, literally unable to do anything at all. Pain, pain, pain. The ultimate surrender. Even taking a pee on a bedpan was a major achievement!

I am completely dependent on the generosity of the nurses, the physiotherapists and the doctors. Their care and unconditional availability have given me a whole new appreciation for their profession!

Yesterday morning I awoke with the vivid feeling of a strange, intense dream in which I tried to find Steve, searching for him everywhere. I cried. There is nothing anybody can do about that. He is no longer here.

As I lie here in bed vulnerable and helpless, I am thinking about others’ stories about their knee replacements. Honestly, after what I heard from them, I did not expect it to be this difficult! For sure nobody had told me about spinal tap! Maybe all these small experiences of pain and agony after surgery magically vanish once healing has taken place. The (very handsome) anesthesiologist told me that they give spinal tap patients a pill that prevents them from forming new memories. Fascinating!

I also have plenty of time to rethink this “short term pain for long term gain” thing. What if I died next week, would I regret having spent my last days in hospital, fixing my knee? In my mind, I am really going through this for some future that might never come. Or – it might come. Oh, what do I know?! I am simply surrendering to this new Now. In the hospital bed.

These entire past 18 months have been about letting go, surrendering, giving up control, moving into the unknown, pretty much alone, in a big way. Yesterday when the doctor removed the drainage tubes from my knee it was so painful, horrible and finally ENOUGH. I shouted and cursed loudly, very loudly. E-N-O-U-G-H already of this f%$^&@g s$%t!

Yet, I trust that I will emerge strong, clear, and healthy, and that I will get to fully enjoy life in addition to these wonderful opportunities to meditate 10,000 times a day, practice surrender and inspire others!

PS. Thank you for the many messages and emails wishing me the best. They were too many to reply to individually. I feel your love!

“The deeper you surrender to existence, life, nature, the more loving, the more understanding, the more insightful you become. […]

Surrender means to live the same way in life as a good swimmer swims in the river. Life is a river. Either you can fight or you can float; either you can push the river and try to go against the current or you can float with the river and go wherever the river leads you.

Surrender is not towards somebody; it is simply a way of life. A God is not needed to surrender to. There are religions which believe in God, there are religions which don’t believe in God, but all religions believe in surrender. So surrender is the real God. […]

What is surrender? Surrender means surrendering the ego, surrender means surrendering all that you know. Surrender means surrendering your knowledge, your mind, your intellect. Surrender is a suicide, a suicide of the past. ~Osho

Flowers

54 replies
  1. Tracy Byars
    Tracy Byars says:

    Dear Lokita, you are BOLDLY vulnerable! I feel your raw vulnerability, supported by a deep strength and wisdom that is carrying you through all this. Brava! And thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.

    Sending love and healing energy!!!

    Reply
  2. Tarangita
    Tarangita says:

    Beloved Lokita
    Whatever you express you inspire me to be in this body, explore what this mean” having this body”.
    My heart goes with what you going through.
    And I remember the sensation when I hold your heart in my hands.
    Full of Light and intrinsic spaciousness…

    Send you deep Healing and Love
    tarangita

    Reply
  3. Holly
    Holly says:

    Soooo glad that you are on the other side of the surgery, Lokita! May the pain pass soon, and the relief of a pain-free knee and the joy of renewed activity shower you with excitement of new possibilities…

    Reply
  4. Tandy
    Tandy says:

    Lokita,

    Again I am so inspired by you. You are the bravest woman I don’t even know. Love, healing and the gift of life radiates in your words and of course that smile.

    Reply
  5. Jim Fritz
    Jim Fritz says:

    My brother will be 80 in Dec. (I will be 82) and he said his knee replacement surgery was an absolute bitch for several weeks after. But it is all healed now and works great. Hang in there. BTW, at my age I am constantly aware that ANY MOMENT could be my last and one day will be. In the mean time I choose to focus on all the good things I want to experience before that happens.

    Reply
  6. Sue Tobias
    Sue Tobias says:

    Dearest Lokita- Ah, yes! Giving up control – you are an awesome and inspiring master of this practice. I just found out that my beloved dog has cancer and this is a perfect reminder for me (thank you!) that I am not in charge. You look so vibrant and alive and I can’t wait to see you dancing again!

    Much love and healing energy and wishes for the pain to subside,
    Sue

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Oh Sue, sorry to hear about your doggie 🙁 I know how much you love your sweet friend. Sending you lots of love and hugs and soft snuggles to you baby…

      Reply
  7. Patty Shea MSW
    Patty Shea MSW says:

    Hang in there gal 😀 I know the pain you’re feeling bc I’m a bi-lateral hip replacement & had 2 endure a total left hip revision last Oct 😨 I’m now up & off all narcotics 4 pain but I was on them a long time. Glad you’re in good healthcare hands & be sure 2 do your physical therapy – that’s important!

    Reply
  8. Anne
    Anne says:

    Your knee surgery sounds different than my husband’s double knee surgery – he didn’t get a spinal tap, and although of course his knee hurt a lot after the first days of pain med wore off, his pain seemed more controlled/managed than yours. He did realize he had to give up aversion to drugs and “being strong” and take pain medication regularly. But even though everyone I know who did this did experience pain in the beginning, and certainly pain with physical therapy and walking practice, it went down steadily after the first week or two, and over time became like labor pains – gone and forgotten in the joy of the new freedom. When I had excruciating shoulder pain after my recent spine surgery, breathing into it, doing metta practice, positive affirmations, surrendering in every moment…DIDN’T WORK enough – I was exhausted from the constant effort. Only taking regular pain med/inflammation control for a while gave me my life back.Blessings to you and may you find some reward coming soon.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Hi Anne, the problem was that I had a very strong reaction to the pain meds after surgery, and I couldn’t start with the proper routine until the next day, and then it didn’t work its magic quite yet. Now it is getting better. I appreciate your feedback re regular pain meds and inflammation control in addition to all that great spiritual practice! All is well. ❤️

      Reply
  9. Mark G
    Mark G says:

    Dear Lokita, I realize that you don’t know me. I went a Tantra intro some years ago. I am grateful. I am a sort of Harbinite satellite, long story. Though I am a stranger, you are in my heart and prayers for all you have been through. I have been hospitalized more than once myself. I Have been through the enormous pain and challenges of major surgery. I understand. With love, Mark G.

    Reply
  10. Laraine
    Laraine says:

    I am so happy to hear that you have finally been able to have your knee replaced. I know this has been coming for a few years now and it it finally done! Sending your lots of healing vibes and love as your recover from this surgery and I hope you are on the trails again soon, just soaking up all the beauty of life. You are a warrior and you will stand victorious over all that tries to stand in your way.

    Reply
  11. Amy J.
    Amy J. says:

    How much more can a being take!? Sending so much love to you precious, brave, inspiring Lokita… so happy to see your beautiful smiling face.

    Reply
  12. Dagmar Bohlmann
    Dagmar Bohlmann says:

    In no time will you use that very knee and kick pain in the butt. In the meantime, I use my new hip and a prayer to kick for you.
    Just as a reminder: Pain is temporary. Suffering optional. You got this one. Lean in and move through. Tell us when you emerge painfree and dancing so we can join and celebrate. Hope and trust is what get me there, plus a good dose of German persistence and stubbornness. I know you got that, too. Much love!!!

    Reply
  13. Wahila Wilkie
    Wahila Wilkie says:

    Sending you love and prayers for peace, healing and an end to this F’ing sh’t!

    I feel so tender towards you.

    Reply
  14. Janu
    Janu says:

    Liebe,
    Lese wie immer deinen Blog sobald ich ihn gepostet sehe..ja, was ein Leben!
    Schicke Dir ganz biel Liebe , ein dickes Lächeln und Wow- Du bist unglaublich .. ehrlich, direkt, mutig, stark, aber letzlich, again and again willing to face what is there…und nicht zu vergessen: funny. Danke für die Inspiration und den Reminder!
    Sei ganz warm umarmt!

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Ich umarme Dich auch und hoffe sooooo sehr, dass wir uns irgendwann mal wiedersehen!!! Bist Du ab und zu noch in CR?

      Reply
      • Janu
        Janu says:

        Jaaaaaa!! Das wäre schön! Bin ab nächster saison wieder in Costa Rica-Du auch??Gute Besserung fürs Knie!Und alles Liebe <3

      • Lokita Carter
        Lokita Carter says:

        Super! Ich plane, ab Mitte Dez dort zu sein. Dann sehen wir mal weiter, was das Leben so präsentiert! Ich freu mich schon auf Dich. <3

      • Lokita Carter
        Lokita Carter says:

        Übrigens hab ich endlich — nach JAAAAAHREN! — einen PERFEKTEN vergleichbaren Kuschelpullover zu Deiner damaligen Schäfchenjacke gefunden… weisst Du noch? Ich hab ihn gerade an, und denke an Dich 💕

  15. Bev
    Bev says:

    I am the one who said it was a breeze for my husband. …sorry to mislead. …but he was on pain meds the first week. …and in a very proactive pt program. Hoping that you are improving daily and soon out enjoying your new mobility as he is!

    Reply
  16. Corinna Joy Kavanagh
    Corinna Joy Kavanagh says:

    Meine Liebe,
    Ich wünsche dir eine gute Recovery! Das tut mir so leid, dass es so weh getan hat!
    Ich denke an dich und drücke und herze dich!

    Reply
  17. Lorraine
    Lorraine says:

    Wow your experience of a knee replacement was totally different then mine. I had a local in my spine and also slept thru the whole thing. The next day after the surgery by afternoon they are getting you up with a walker to use the toilet. Stayed another night. Next day the physical therapist worked with me in the morning. I had to meet certain criteria to be able to leave. Walk up a few steps and be able to get to the toilet with a walker. I was sent home, and the next day physical therapy came to my house. by the next week I was walking with a cane outside, and on my own in the house. Let tell you something that my physical therapist recommended. I had a lot of itchy peeling skin on my knee and was very sensitive for a long time. I used A&D diaper cream with zinc. It helped tremendously. After the incision was healed I used mederma on the scar. I had my surgery on Jan 25 and you can barely see the scar. My knee still stiffens up by the end of the day but it is worth it. They say it will be a full year before you are pain free. Good luck and you will be walking in no time.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Thank you 🙂 I am already walking outside now with crutches, and feel much better. Will keep in mind what you say about the skin. Right now I still have a large covering on it. Glad to know that it was worth it for you, confirming what many have said. Best wishes to you

      Reply
  18. Rachila
    Rachila says:

    Wow! You have a warrior spirit! Sending healing Love & Blessongs to you. Holding you in my heart always. Thank you for sharing your journey,vulnerability, realizations & surrender. Have assisted with many of these surgeries (as RN in OR).Usually patients are sedated and sleeping after the spinal anesthesia (like a spinal tap in access to the space) & unaware of operation unless briefly awakening as sedation is wearing off, then more sedative is given until surgery is finished.
    Please feel free to contact me with any questions & as a medical resource. 40 yrs.RN with experience in many specialties & subspecialties, ICU, Neuro, Surgery including most specialties, Post op recovery, pain management, patient advocacy, Gastrointestinal, neonatal ICU, Cardiology, Cardiac electrophysiology, Physical therapy, and more.
    When you close your eyes , relax, & tune in, can you feel the comforting arms of Steve or the Divine Mother holding you?
    So much Love.

    Reply
    • Lokita Carter
      Lokita Carter says:

      Dear Rachila, thank you for your comment. I am slowly feeling better. After the operation, I had an uncommonly strong reaction to the pain medication. Proceeding fine now. And when I relax and tune in, I feel peace and love wrapping their wings around me in comfort and safety.

      Reply
  19. Judi Finney
    Judi Finney says:

    Blessings to you dear Lokita. Your sharing of your insight, observations and wisdom brings such great comfort. You are a lovely, generous person.

    Reply
  20. Greta Zeit
    Greta Zeit says:

    Hi Lokita …You’ve taken a brave step into the future. I have had two ankle replacements and walk better now than I ever had before. It ain’t easy, but it beats all the alternatives hands down. Thanks for sharing your journey with us all.

    Reply

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