Tantric Intimacy with Life
Barely 48 hours after the dreaded court hearing, I left California to travel to Denmark to be with my sister and her family, and to get a rest. It was a relief to get away, and to have physical distance from the horrible events. But physical distance alone does not heal the wounds!
Every few days I get wiped out by tsunamis of grief and uncertainty. I still miss Steve so much. What were his last thoughts, his feelings right before he died?
Everything is infused with the memories of our 17 years together. Steve is everywhere and nowhere.
How will my life continue without him? Where do I belong?
Yesterday I was asked if I lived in fear about the cancer returning. Actually, no, I said, I am not living with that fear. It is useless. A waste of time. The cancer is gone now, and if it ever returned, so it would be. Then. Not now.
The transition from being a cancer patient to being healthy (yes, I actually wrote “healthy”) has been uneventful for me. So far, so good. My chest has healed completely, the skin is back to normal from the radiated, burned-red field it was. In the mirror now I see one perfect breast and on the left, the muscular, nipple-less chest of a young male, with a fading, smile-shaped scar. My surgeon, Dr Leah Kelley, has done a superb job, true to her excellent reputation. Reconstruction is not an option that I wish to pursue. I can live perfectly with the way I look now.
Anyway, I am not living in the fear that the cancer might return.
Yet given that I have confronted death so intensely over the past 9 months I now viscerally experience how short and utterly unpredictable life is. Life being short is no longer a grand spiritual concept. It is real. Real real.
It being so, I get bewildered about what choices to make; and there seem to be a lot, especially when my mind is on fire! The questions are endless. All the doors are open.
My health, sanity and joie de vivre depend now, more than ever, on my ability to practice what I call Inner Spaciousness.
How do I cultivate it? For example, by doing one thing at a time; no more multi-tasking. Or by sleeping on it, rather than deciding in a rush. Or by taking a step back from the fire of my mind, or an intense situation and becoming the witness. By thinking outside of my familiar box.
But most of all, by listening to the silence that is omnipresent. Beyond the noise of the mind, beyond the sounds outside of my body. Beyond anything outside of my body. The silence is always there.
Going for walks with Coco in a green, vast field, surrounded by other green, vast fields. In the distance, a cuckoo sings her song. The sun is setting, the air is still. The silence is profound, as is the sensation of S-P-A-C-E. Inside and outside.
Tantric intimacy with life.
Silence is the explosion of intelligence. Silence means: inside you, you are just spaciousness, uncluttered spaciousness. Silence means you have put aside the whole furniture of the mind—the thoughts, the desires, the memories, the fantasies, the dreams, you have all pushed aside. You are just looking into existence directly, immediately. You are in contact with existence without anything in between you and existence. That is silence. ~ Osho
It sounds so sweet….the time you are in right now…..and uncertain with sorrow as well. They are all the feelings of life. No distractions to waste your time. Friends and family, food for healing, long walks and the love of your animal spirit, Coco. Relish this time, Lokita. You deserve every bit of the joy to be wrung from this time. See you when the time is right for that.
<3 Thank you, sweet Lokita for sharing your way of what you call inner spaciousness. Sending love <3
Yes, thank you dear Lokita, for all you are and for all you share. I feel blessed by your awareness and send you love always.
Ah, sweet Lokita, again you have spoken for all of us for whom our usual life is receding into the uncertain NEW. Yes, every moment new and Sourcing from Silence. So much gratitude!
At times my heart weeps for you…but through it all you are a joyful inspiration. I am grateful you have the love, strength and deep insight to share your thoughts and feelings at this time in your life. I feel it’s a win/win situation. Please hug your self and feel the love!
Liebe Lokita,
wie schoen, Du bist in Danemark. Mit Deiner Schwester und dem Rest der Familie. Das wird Dir gut tun!
Besuchst Du auch Deinen Vater oder ist er mit Euch?
Viola
Hallo Viola, mein Vater wohnt in der Naehe der DK Grenze im Altersheim. Ich besuche ihn jeden 2. Tag. Alles ist gut. Danke fuer all Deine liebevolle Unterstuetzung, und das super TV Program, das Du mir zusammengestellt hast <3
Your words are an instruction, a reminder of the essential space. Of all that is… Thank you , Lokita.
Dear Lokita,
So graced to follow in the footsteps of your words, they lead me to contemplative, sacred spaces. Much love~*
Lokita,
I think of you often, of the unbearable pain that you are suffering and of the incredible strength you give by sharing your journey with us. You are a powerful teacher. You have been masterful in teaching the art of tantric connection, but now you have been pushed to another level. I know in the silence your next move will come to you in a calm knowing. And I am so excited to find out what that is going to be, but for now….it’s your time to heal. It’s YOUR time for you. Do some of the things you and Steve wanted to do and didn’t get a chance..take him with you spiritually. He is still with you…everything is still very fresh. You need more time to heal. Walks and talks with Cocoa seem perfect. Sending you love…
Sending you gratitude for sharing you.
The brevity of our amazing lives, whoa! That awareness is such an edgy teacher. Like riding a tsunami on a surfboard sometimes. ..
“Beyond the noise of the mind” – a much-needed reminder for me today! Thank you, Lokita.
Love, Sue
Although not an actual death, it has been about 6 weeks since the death of my 6 year relationship to a man whom I knew what it felt like to literally have the capability to die for another. Tapping in to read your words brings me presence and holding to my breaking heart. I feel seen, understood and am reminded of the beauty that I learn in these times of grief and uncertainty. Thank you beloved Lokita. I see you, I hear you, I hold you in my heart. Blessings and love, Melina
Oh Lokita, As a woman who’s enjoyed a successful 34 yr.marriage, my heart aches for you and your missing Steve. God bless you precious one as you decide what to do next. I’m glad you are able to go to your sister in Denmark. Take care of yourself as only you can do.
Peace and blessings,
Yolanda
Liebe Lokita, gerne möchte ich Dich mal wieder sehen und sprechen, wo Du schon so in der Nähe bist! Sag’ mir bitte Bescheid, wo ich Dich wann treffen kann oder komm nach Eckernförde in mein Wohnprojekt http://www.eckodomo.de :-))
In großer Vorfreude, Hans-Georg
Hallo Hans-Georg, ich schick Dir ein Email. Bis bald!
Sending so much love to your precious heart… this too shall pass… as all things do…
I am grateful you have the love, strength and deep insight to share your thoughts and feelings…
<3 Thank you. Smiles to you, so nearby!
Liebe Lokita,
Vielen Dank für diesen Blog übers Leben!!!
Mike und ich waren in 2008 bei dir und Steve im Workshop in Harbin. Wir waren nun 2.5 Jahre in Indien und haben dort von dem Feuer in Harbin gehört und
auch von dir /euch.
Es ist so gut zu wissen, das du durch diesen”blow” von Ereignissen durchgegangen bist und trotz aller Hindernisse Schritt für Schritt weiter gehst . Dein Blog ist wie eine Blüte, die vieles was ich in Indien erfahren habe zum Ausdruck bringt!!! Om Shanti Shanti shanti