Before my mastectomy, I found myself lamenting that I hate hospitals, that I am afraid of the surgery, the outcome, et cetera. Lokita’s Great Suffering was witnessed at the dinner table. When I realized what I was doing – mentally creating a negative experience – I consciously turned it around. I told my friends that I wanted to be totally conscious and aware as I enter the operating room. That I wanted to be fully aware when I awake from the anesthesia, and that I was going to bring everything to make me comfortable for my time in the hospital. Can I be ecstatic every moment?
So, I packed my suitcase with my down duvet; Tiger, the snuggle toy; my pillow; sleep mask, etc — all the accoutrements that make my bed and space sacred and comfy. Two girlfriends stayed with me from the moment I arrived at the hospital, until I was wheeled into the operating room.
I am pleased to report that I managed to “catch” both moments – of going under, strapped down on the operating table, and of coming back alive in the recovery room. It was very empowering and liberating to have that conscious experience, and one that I manifested myself! Indeed I died and was reborn, all in one day.
And after the surgery, no pain, no tears, no nausea. Just pure empty space. Just goes to show that attitude is everything, and that I am not the victim of this situation!
The surgery was a success. Well, mind you – the breast is gone, and one side of my chest is flat. There was no cancer in the lymph nodes, plus the surgeon informed me by phone yesterday that she managed to cut out all the cancer with adequate, large and clear margins. I am right now cancer free, NED – no evidence of disease.
At the moment my entire life is dedicated to healing. I lie around on the bed and watch mindless, funny movies. My friend Tracy makes me lovely meals and sits by my side when I am riding tsunamis of grief about my life with Steve being over. My attention span in conversations is very short, both on the phone, and in person. But hey – I am 100% engaged with healing myself right now!
Soon the surgical drain will be removed, and the wound will heal. After that, I still have treatment hoops to jump through – seven weeks of radiation, and perhaps some more chemotherapy. We shall see.
My new motto is — LONG LIVE LOKITA.
And yes, I can be ecstatic every moment, even the most horrible and challenging ones.